Articles about How-To
Police Catch Handcuffed Man Who Stole Cop Car
The headline doesn’t really do this story justice. What happened:
- dude gets arrested by White Settlement police
- dude gets handcuffed, thrown in back of cop car
- dude somehow slides handcuffed hands in front of his body, rolls down window, opens door
- dude opens front door of cop car
- dude drives away
There’s no better nickname for this guy than “dude” because can you really imagine any other response when he tells his friends what he did than “duuuuuuuddddddddee?”
Dallas Gets Its Own Saul Goodman
According to the Morning News:
A Dallas criminal defense lawyer has agreed in federal court documents to plead guilty to a money laundering charge for helping a drug dealer hide large amounts of ill-gotten cash.
Patrick Robert Simon’s plea has to be approved by a federal judge before it becomes official. If that happens, he could face up to 20 years in prison and a fine of up to $500,000, according to court documents.
Simons was paid $6,000 by the dealer and an undercover agent to create a bogus company that would be used to launder the money. Simon then offered a few options for how the drug dealer could get $100,000 in cash to Simon, with the dealer eventually settling on an attorney trust account which would cut checks to the dealer’s family while he was in prison.
Breaking Bad returns for the second half of its final season this summer.
Congressman Louie Gohmert is Literally the Only Rep to Vote Against Removing the Word ‘Lunatic’ From the Federal Code
Photo: Mark Taylor
The U.S. House voted Wednesday to remove the word “lunatic” from the Federal Code. It was a move that was a long time coming, one that’s been pushed and supported by the American Psychiatric Association, the American Counseling Association, and the National Association of School Psychologists. In sum: it’s not a great thing to call someone.
“The term ‘lunatic’ derives from the Latin word for moon,” said Texas Republican and Judiciary Committee Chairman Lamar Smith, on the House floor Wednesday. “Before the modern era, it was used to describe a person who suffers from mental disease because of the belief that lunar cycles have an impact on brain function. But as science and medicine have progressed, society has come to understand mental illness with more clarity.”
Click to enlarge and see just how ridiculous this vote was. Source: the U.S. House of Representatives
There was one, completely reasonable dissenting opinion, from Tyler Representative and Tea Party firebrand Louie Gohmert.
“Not only should we not eliminate the word ‘lunatic’ from federal law when the most pressing issue of the day is saving our country from bankruptcy, we should use the word to describe the people who want to continue with business as usual in Washington,” Gohmert said in an e-mail to Bloomberg. Gohmert is also the person who claimed Hamas was sending women to the United States to have “terror babies” who could then come back to the United States and blow up buildings and humans.
I just wish there was a word for someone with that kind of irrational thinking.
How The Nasher Can Get Back At Museum Tower
Let’s be clear: what I am about to present to you will in no way fix the damaged relationship between the Nasher Sculpture Center and Museum Tower. In fact, if implemented to my specifications, my proposal will probably permanently ruin any chance that the two entities will come to some sort of peaceable coexistence. I’m not necessarily suggesting that the Nasher do what I am advocating. I’m also not not suggesting that. But they probably won’t, because it involves pornography. Obviously.
How to Replace Big Tex
Is the U.S. government hiding the existence of a ray gun capable of enlarging Bill Bragg so he could take over next year for the dearly departed Big Tex? Is this photo evidence that Bragg has been training for the possibility for years? (photo by Jason Janik)
I understand some of you are still mourning. Hopefully not too much. There is a sweet spot between hurriedly readying a Burned Big Tex Halloween costume (or, God help us, a Sexy Burned Big Tex costume) and comparing it to an actual national tragedy. Find it, linger there for a moment, then move on. I dealt with it the way I always do: hoping I was the first to make this joke on Twitter. But now I’m ready to start thinking of the future. Specifically, what will — and, more important, what should — greet fairgoers next September. I have some ideas that I tried to hide carefully after the jump, but my efforts were clumsy, so they’re just sort of there. Enjoy them at your leisure.
Don’t Spray Me, Bro
Mayor Rawlings’ office called the TV stations yesterday to ask for their help in getting the message out about West Nile virus. We didn’t get any such call here at D HQ. But we still want to help. So here’s a helpful video. Watch. Learn. Then take a look at the spray map to see if the poison will rain down tonight on your veggie plants and herbs. Then know that, according to North Haven Gardens, frost cloth or floating row cover will protect your plants from the poison. Then, finally, know this: only female mosquitoes bite. Not males. Just females.
Summer DOs and DON’Ts
Summer is really, officially here. As a longtime Texan and amateur life coach, I’m here to help.
DO properly hydrate. I suggest a minimum of eight 3-liter bottles of water a day. If you’re Mike Mooney, make it nine. And get a haircut.
DON’T gripe too much. We’re all in this together. One “GD it is hot out there” when you arrive at work should do you, along with unlimited, soulful mmm-hmmms should anyone else broach the subject. And no, you don’t get another one if you happen to go out during the day. That, sir or madam, is on you. It’s called a sack lunch. Get familiar.
DON’T strain yourself making too many similes. “It’s like hugging the sun” is fine enough. I know that’s not very good. See? Not trying.
DO invest in a box fan. No jokes. Those things are super underrated. I carry one with me at all times.
DON’T check the weather anywhere else, unless you can afford a plane ticket to go there immediately. In which case, give me $5,000. Enterprise wants the hail damage fixed after all.
DON’T Instagram or Facebook pics of thermometers. I mean, we get it. It’s terrible. Do you think if you get 100 “likes” it’s going away? Of course not. I tried that once with a picture of Tim. He’s still standing right behind me, talking loudly on his phone to someone I probably don’t care about in his old radio voice. It doesn’t work.
DO keep a copy of your will in your pocket. I’m not saying it’s going to get that hot, but you never know, right? Me? I like to be prepared. I have a copy on me at all times. It’s … pretty short. Everything goes to charity, and Wick has to finish the novel I’ve been writing. It’s basically a re-telling of To Kill a Mockingbird set in a dystopian future where mockingbirds have actually taken over and Scout and Jem and everyone are semi-literate, but non-verbal cats. Don’t worry. I have it all outlined pretty well.
How To Fix the Nasher/Museum Tower Issue
So listen, the other day I was watching Superman II and I totally came up with an idea that will fix everything.
It happens toward the end of the movie, when General Zod is using his laser beam eyeballs to heat up semi trucks and make them explode. So then Superman comes in and uses his freeze-breath thing to cool the truck down, and bends the truck’s mirror to reflect the laser beam burny thing back on Zod.
And then it hit me. All the Nasher needs is a carefully placed mirror reflecting toward the Museum Tower. Then it can fry them right back.
You’re welcome. Just tell me where to send the bill.
Where Oh Where to Watch Mark Cuban’s Greenville Avenue St. Patrick’s Day Parade
St. Patrick's Day parade thirst busters are stocking up
With beer trucks and port-a-cans hustling up and down Greenville Avenue, it looks like they’re in countdown mode for the Greenville Avenue St. Patrick’s Day Parade. People Newspaper‘s Brad Pearson has tips on attending the parade, but he doesn’t say where the best viewing spot is. Ozona’s? Lovers Lane corner? PetSmart?
I Am Here To Help Tim Rogers, My White Friend
Since Tim was confused yesterday about who Dorrough (or, in his mind, Ft. Dorrough, aka Foot Dorrough, aka Fort Dorrough) is, here is his signature hit, “Ice Cream Paint Job.” For him, for you, for all my homies who couldn’t be here.
How Not To Get Out Of a Ticket
Yesterday, while coming back to the office, I was pulled over for turning right at a red light where, apparently, there are two signs prohibiting that. The officer was on a motorcycle. As the officer was approaching my car, I caught a quick glimpse in my rearview. Probably too quick, since the first thing I said was, “Sorry, ma’am.” To the male officer. Anyway, I guess the real point of this is don’t turn right on red at the intersection of Ross and the frontage road of 75. And just say, “Sorry, officer,” if you do. Or say nothing. Yes, say nothing. Or just repeat the Jay-Z parts from the second verse of this.
Bike Friendly Oak Cliff Wins $5K Grant to Help It Stage Dallas’ First Ciclovia
Jason Roberts of Bike Friendly Oak Cliff (and just about everything else) just posted news of the grant, from Bikes Belong, on BFOC’s Facebook page. And this video below, if you’re not sure what a ciclovia is.
Dos and Don’ts of Skipping Work to Watch the NCAA Tournament
Today kicks off the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament, and it is — traditionally — a day when office workers take really, really long lunches so as to cram in as much men’s college basketball tournament fun as possible (read: drink). So, anyway. A list. Because people love two things: AMERICA. And lists.
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