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Making Dallas Even Better

Timmy

#Metroplexit

As the globe struggles to understand how a people who build the Jaguar could be so stupid as to leave the EU, there are those closer to home, inspired by Britain’s bold embrace of illogic, who would like to see Texas follow suit. They’ve come up with the hashtag #Texit. I tried to make some jokes on Twitter about #Dallexit and #DalWorthingtonGardexit, but user Rodney H. found the winner. You already know what it is.

People of North Texas, unite! We are tired of all these people moving here! From California and Oklahoma, yes. But also from Houston and Austin and Wichita Falls, too. We don’t need any of them. It is time for a #Metroplexit.

Watch Bryan Wilson, The Texas Law Hawk, Jump a Jet Ski

When we had the Texas Law Hawk on the podcast back in March, he told us about his next planned YouTube commercial. He said he was going to jump a Jet Ski into a wall of televisions, which didn’t sound safe to me. He wound up not using the televisions, but the stunt he pulled off still doesn’t look safe. I’ve only watched this video 14 times, so I’m still trying to decide if the baseball scene makes any sense at all and should have been cut from the video. I’m leaning toward: doesn’t make any sense at all and definitely should have been cut. Anyway, have a look for yourself:

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A Dispatch From the D Magazine Sweat Lodge

When we got to work this morning at D Magazine world headquarters, in beautiful downtown Dallas, we learned the AC is out in our building, St. Paul Place. The editorial crew all sits on the east side of the office. That would be the side of the building that is currently under assault from the sun. I’m guessing, but it’s probably 87 degrees at my desk, which sits right by a window.

To survive, many of us have moved our computers into our lobby, which is on the west side of the building. We are sitting at the table you see here, elbow to elbow. We aren’t exactly sweating. But we are all sticky. At least I am sticky. I haven’t taken a survey. Zac (far left in the pic) is on edge. I made an innocuous comment earlier about the movie London Has Fallen, and he threw a coffee mug at me. Then the Spirit Father came to see me, and I sprouted wings, and I flew with him high above our hunting grounds, admiring the herds of buffalo that have sustained our people for generations. Do you hear that noise, my brother?

I am now naked save for my loincloth. I am lashing myself with the sage branch. An intern is pouring water on the stones that still glow red from the fire, and the steam is cleansing my MacBook Air. We are working on the August issue. It will be an inspired document, if not error free.

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Leading Off (6/21/16)

Double Murder in McKinney. Police say 50-year-old Kelley Eugene Bigham shot his estranged wife, Karen Bigham, and her twin, Kathy Boobar. The Binghams’ college-age daughter saw the murders. Early this morning, Kelley got to wear the towel for his mugshot at the Collin County jail.

Rangers! The lead to the Baltimore Sun’s story about last night’s game here at Globe Life: “The Orioles’ 4-3 loss to the Texas Rangers on Monday night seemed to sting a little more than most defeats …”

James Ragland Says Susan Hawk Should Step Down. It pained him. He didn’t want to do it. The DMN columnist is much more comfortable operating in a wishy-washy world where there’s always something on one hand and another on the other. But even Ragland came out and said that the DA should resign.

Kroger Reveals ClickList Stores. You order online. You pick up your groceries curbside. And now you know which stores will offer the service. My assessment of the locations: Kroger likes the northern burbs.

Yes, Susan Hawk Needs To Step Down. But Not Immediately.

My colleague Zac Crain, having heard the news that DA Susan Hawk has yet again checked herself into an in-patient treatment facility, called for her to resign immediately. Zac is a hot-blooded man of Czech extraction from the town of West, Texas. He can be forgiven his impetuousness. No, no, no. Hawk need not resign immediately.

She needs to do it before Friday, August 26.

Here’s what happens when she steps down:

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The Mysterious Hope Hicks, Donald Trump’s Right-Hand Woman

Hope Hicks graduated from SMU six years ago. Now she’s Donald Trump’s press secretary. How, with so little experience, she wound up in that job is a bit of a mystery. This GQ story about that mystery is worth reading, if only for the opening scene:

I wanted Hicks to help me understand just how all this had come to pass, how a person who’d never worked in politics had nonetheless become the most improbably important operative in this election. But she declined my request to talk. Instead, she arranged something more surreal: I could talk about her with Donald Trump, in front of her.

I’ll say this for her: she’s got a great name.

Not a Recap of The Real Housewives of Dallas Reunion Show

Last night, I had some people over to watch Game 7. At 8 o’clock my DVR interrupted the game to accommodate a previously scheduled recording. As my guests and family groaned at the inconvenience, I fumbled with the remote to find out what was going on. Yup, Real Housewives. The reunion show was last night. I can’t tell you how great it felt to shut that crap off and get back to the game. So, no, I’m sorry, I’m not going to recap it. If you want to know what happened (something about Brandi nearly getting divorced, LeeAnne asking Mark Deuber if he needed a tampon), go read Elaine Liner over on CultureMap. Let’s hope there is not a Season 2.

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Leading Off (6/16/16)

Trump Rally in Town. Brace yourself, people. The Donald is holding a rally today at Gilley’s. Here’s a Plano woman who makes Trump dresses and who will attend the rally and who says, “Donald Trump is the main course, and I am the appetizer.” So. Yeah.

Lee Kleinman Explains His ‘Haters’ List on Twitter. The councilman told the Advocate: “I created a list of users who I believe hate me or the things I support and stand for. I guess I could have named the list ‘Users that aggressively spew vitriolic comments about me and about the good work done by the City.’ ‘Haters’ was just easier.” Wick and Zac both made the list. I don’t recall either of them ever having aggressively spewed vitriolic comments about Kleinman. But I’m feeling left out.

Rangers! In the sixth inning, they were down 5-0 to the A’s. Then this happened.

Baby Elephant Pics! On its blog yesterday, the Dallas Zoo posted adorable pictures of 1-month-old Mlilo. Elephant Curator Karen Gibson tells us, “His poops look like perfect Hershey’s kisses.”

Tony Romo Went Shopping at the Cityplace Target. This is an odd story. It quotes Romo — “It’s Father’s Day weekend and Target has some of the best options for dads” — and makes it sound like he was really just out to help people shop, instead of being paid by Target to generate publicity. But I hear that Target has some of the best options for dads.

The Real Housewives of Dallas Episode 10 Recap

Do you know how easy it would have been for the Cavaliers to go to Oakland last night and lose to the Warriors? Nobody comes back from a 3-1 deficit in an NBA Finals. And almost nobody beats the Warriors on their home court; they lost just two games there during the regular season. So LeBron could have rolled in there and easily scored 25 and lost and then gone home to his Kia. Everyone would have understood. Instead, do you know what happened? LeBron went off for 41. And Kyrie Irving poured in 41. They both scored 41 points. Each one of them scored 41 points. If you add that up, it equals 82 points. Am I telling you this because I watched it happen with my own eyes? No! I didn’t see it happen! And I think you know why I didn’t see it happen. While that was happening, I was watching the last episode of the first (and only?) season of the The Real Housewives of Dallas. Yes, there is a reunion show, taped in a studio, next week. No, I’m not watching it. The reason I’m not going to watch it is because it will be dumb and boring. Just like last night’s dumb and boring episode, which was titled “The Full Nelson.” Nothing happened last night. Nobody scored anywhere close to 41 points. But I’m going to recap the episode anyway. Not with a bang but with a whimper, here it goes:

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New TxDOT Report Says We Should Tear Down I-345

Today is like Christmas for transportation and urban-planning dorks. And TxDOT is Santa Claus. Today the agency released its much-anticipated Dallas CityMAP report, a big study of the highway system in and around downtown. I’m still reading through it (it’s 351 pages long). You can check out what Brandon Formby thought of it here. His lead: “A surprising yet powerful voice is joining the chorus calling for a sea change in downtown Dallas’ car-centric infrastructure building: the agency that typically pours the concrete.” But here’s the thing that jumps out at me: the agency’s analysis of I-345.

345

Tearing down that elevated highway will create $2.5 billion worth of new property value, bring 12,000 people and 40,000 jobs to the city, and earn Dallas $80 million in additional revenue. There’s really only one downside that I can see. TxDOT doesn’t think we can start the actual tear-down process till 2037.

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