The Dallas Cowboys will obviously again miss the playoffs and more than likely finish 8-8 in doing so. But how? Read this and save yourself a few hours every week.
Week 1: 49ers — WIN
More of a 49ers loss than a Cowboys win, but whatever. You know who doesn’t see it that way? Jerry Jones and every Cowboys fan, all of whom get way, way too excited about the season’s prospects. “Super Bowl” is mentioned with a straight face. Prevailing sentiment in town: OH MY GOD, ARE THEY REALLY GOING TO DO THIS THING?
Week 2: At Titans — LOSS
Week 3: At Rams — WIN
Wait, hold on — maybe?
Week 4: Saints — LOSS
Week 5: Texans — LOSS
Oh, come on. Seriously? With the Cowboys sporting a probably-even-worse-than-it-looks 2-3 record, first lengthy column about Jason Garrett’s potential firing appears. Jerry swears he’s behind Garrett, but his statement is elliptical and confusing, and completely undercut by something he says later in the same interview.
Week 6: At Seahawks — LOSS
This is actually surprisingly close and a pretty understandable loss, given it’s against the defending Super Bowl champs — even though they haven’t looked that great — and it’s at a notoriously difficult place to play. Call it a moral victory. Walt Garrison appears on Intentional Grounding to talk about something.
Week 7: Giants — WIN
Again, more of a Giants loss than a Cowboys win, but at this point, no one even remotely cares. The win is slightly overshadowed by a minor controversy involving Dez Bryant.
Week 8: Redskins — WIN
4-4 — what up, son? First legit win of the season. Most of the questions Jason Garrett answers following the game are about the playoffs, because people are insane.
Week 9: Cardinals — LOSS
Week 10: At Jaguars — WIN
One of those games where the Cowboys are clearly better but only barely win by kicking a field goal in the fourth quarter and withstanding a just absolutely jeans-kicking interception by Tony Romo, which should result in a loss but somehow doesn’t.
Week 11: BYE
Call it a phantom loss, since they have to deal with the PR headache of Josh Brent all week.
Week 12: At Giants — WIN
Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod — they’re over .500! Road win! Divisional road win! This is happening. Ohmygod.
Week 13: Eagles — LOSS
Week 14: At Bears — LOSS
I mean, what did you expect?
Week 15: At Eagles — LOSS
Seriously. You do it to yourselves.
Week 16: Colts — WIN
But, I mean, who cares, because all Jerry talks about after the game is Johnny Manziel, who has just rattled off another in a series of ugly wins that really don’t say anything about his future as a pro QB. To be fair to Jerry, this is mostly because Tony Romo is hobbling around like he successfully caught a bolt of lightning with his back, and then, during the excruciating and pretty hollow celebration, tripped and fell down a million stairs and landed on the horn of a unicorn covered in hepatitis.
Week 17: At Redskins — WIN
A win early in the day keeps the Cowboys’ playoff hopes alive until later that afternoon, when they are officially knocked out. Jerry talks about how they are close to breaking through, “so obviously and, again, let me be clear on this and with respect to Jason’s situation, and as I’ve said vis a vis what I meant, we have the talent and now we just need the right parameters, as you know.”