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True Confessions of a Robo-Caller

Just minutes ago, I willfully and gleefully abandoned any semblance of journalistic objectivity that I might have heretofore claimed. Here’s how it happened:

A co-working FrontBurnervian signed up to receive text messages from the Obama campaign. He showed me one he just got. It read: “Will you make one call for President Obama? Reply CALL and we’ll send you the name & phone number of one voter in a key state who needs to hear from you.” The names, I assumed, were registered Democrats who had not yet voted. Fine, I was game. I commanded my co-worker to get me a name and number.

First up was Kodie in Iowa. I called him or her and got a “disconnected or no longer in service” message. Obviously Kodie is out of work, has fallen on hard times, and can’t pay his or her phone bill. I’m just a robo-caller and not a registered pollster, but Kodie will be voting for Romney. Margin of error: +/- 72%.

I asked my co-worker to get me another name and number. Robert in Virginia is so Democrat and so poor that he doesn’t even have an answering machine. Robert clearly is a member of the “taker class” and will be voting straight ticket Socialist Party. Bank on it: based on my research, Obama will take Virginia.

Finally, I called Dennis in Nevada and got an answering machine. I left him a message that went something like this: “Hi, Dennis. This is Tim in Dallas, Texas. I’m calling because our records indicate you’ve not yet voted. I don’t want to tell you who vote for, but as a U.S. citizen, it’s your duty to get out there and cast a ballot. Please do so. Have a nice day.” That Dennis wasn’t home suggests he’s employed and, presumably, happy with the current administration. That means my persuasive voicemail will generate one vote for Obama.

And now I must turn in my badge and gun. No longer can I be a sworn journalist. If you haven’t voted yet today, leave your phone number in the comments. I’ll give you a ring.

9 comments on “True Confessions of a Robo-Caller

  1. I’d love to hear something that was “True Confessions of a Robo-caller”. It’d be so interesting to hear what an autodialer machine thinks and feels as it makes all those automated phone calls with pre-recorded messages.

    “True Confessions of a (Virtual) Phone Bank Volunteer” was decidedly less interesting.

  2. Another call, another dial tone. Lately, I had been feeling something. A yawning emptiness. A mysterious absence. A ghost of something I can’t quite grasp. My CPU tells me it is something called an “emotion” called “sadness.”

    The dial tone ends. An impatient voice answers. The list loaded into me this morning by Parker, Jefferson B., campaign volunteer ID #008912 tells me the voice belongs to Fitzgerald, Jonathan J., 2145 Landover Lane, Carhartt, VA. At “hello,” I begin my programmed script:

    “Hello, this is Mitt Romney, and I wanted to call and offer you my sincerest thanks for the support you’ve—”

    Fitzgerald, Jonathan J., 2145 Landover Lane, Carhartt, VA, curses loudly, then hangs up.

    Another call, another dial tone…

  3. I thought that Tim willfully and gleefully abandoned any semblance of journalistic objectivity (and whatever then-remaining dignity he possessed) with the whole bag-of-dicks phone call?

    I, on the other hand, live to serve San Diego, if that damned Burgundy would just get out of my way.