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True Confessions of a Robo-Caller

Just minutes ago, I willfully and gleefully abandoned any semblance of journalistic objectivity that I might have heretofore claimed. Here’s how it happened:

A co-working FrontBurnervian signed up to receive text messages from the Obama campaign. He showed me one he just got. It read: “Will you make one call for President Obama? Reply CALL and we’ll send you the name & phone number of one voter in a key state who needs to hear from you.” The names, I assumed, were registered Democrats who had not yet voted. Fine, I was game. I commanded my co-worker to get me a name and number.

First up was Kodie in Iowa. I called him or her and got a “disconnected or no longer in service” message. Obviously Kodie is out of work, has fallen on hard times, and can’t pay his or her phone bill. I’m just a robo-caller and not a registered pollster, but Kodie will be voting for Romney. Margin of error: +/- 72%.

I asked my co-worker to get me another name and number. Robert in Virginia is so Democrat and so poor that he doesn’t even have an answering machine. Robert clearly is a member of the “taker class” and will be voting straight ticket Socialist Party. Bank on it: based on my research, Obama will take Virginia.

Finally, I called Dennis in Nevada and got an answering machine. I left him a message that went something like this: “Hi, Dennis. This is Tim in Dallas, Texas. I’m calling because our records indicate you’ve not yet voted. I don’t want to tell you who vote for, but as a U.S. citizen, it’s your duty to get out there and cast a ballot. Please do so. Have a nice day.” That Dennis wasn’t home suggests he’s employed and, presumably, happy with the current administration. That means my persuasive voicemail will generate one vote for Obama.

And now I must turn in my badge and gun. No longer can I be a sworn journalist. If you haven’t voted yet today, leave your phone number in the comments. I’ll give you a ring.