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How to Replace Big Tex

Is the U.S. government hiding the existence of a ray gun capable of enlarging Bill Bragg so he could take over next year for the dearly departed Big Tex? Is this photo evidence that Bragg has been training for the possibility for years? (photo by Jason Janik)

I understand some of you are still mourning. Hopefully not too much. There is a sweet spot between hurriedly readying a Burned Big Tex Halloween costume (or, God help us, a Sexy Burned Big Tex costume) and comparing it to an actual national tragedy. Find it, linger there for a moment, then move on. I dealt with it the way I always do: hoping I was the first to make this joke on Twitter. But now I’m ready to start thinking of the future. Specifically, what will — and, more important, what should — greet fairgoers next September. I have some ideas that I tried to hide carefully after the jump, but my efforts were clumsy, so they’re just sort of there. Enjoy them at your leisure.

Super Creepy Old Big Tex. This is how Big Tex appeared before he got a facelift to look less like the witch from Snow White. I support a return to this look for a couple of reasons: 1) it’s easy to tell people to meet you at Big Tex when you’re arranging a Fair rendezvous, but it’s hard to actually find anyone when you get there, because the area is asses-to-elbows with people trying to take family portraits with Big Tex in the background. Returning to Super Creepy Old Big Tex will thin that herd considerably. Scare the kids, and the parents will follow. George Clinton said that. And 2) actually that’s it. That was the only reason.

Giant Anthropomorphic Corn Dog. Yes, it’s wearing a cowboy hat and kerchief. Basically, it’s Twinkie the Kid, but with a corn dog. Why? Let me answer a question with a question: WHY NOT? Also, as with Super Creepy Old Big Tex, this will freak the kids out and probably thin the line at the corn dog stand.

Exact Replica Big Tex But He Has A Goatee. Boom, we just brought Big Tex into the 1990s.

A 50-Foot -Wall With the Names of All the People Who Irrationally Compared The “Death” of Big Tex to 9/11 On Various Social Media. Because, come on. You’re not getting away with that so easy.

Big German. Dirk Nowitzki probably doesn’t have much time left in his career. What better way to remember him forever? Wait, don’t answer that. Anyway, just don’t make it look like this. That’s BUSH LEAGUE, son.

A Big Tex That Is Meant to Be Burned Down Every Year To Symbolize the End of the Fair. That could be sort of interesting, no? Wait, better, less potentially traumatizing to children idea.

Big Tex Piñata. One swing of a wrecking ball = 200 coupons.

16 comments on “How to Replace Big Tex

  1. All of this is irrelevant, because High Priest/President Romney will have chemically re-engineered everyone’s memory of Autumn 2012 by then. We all will have fond memories of “Big Joe Smith” and there will be no beer at the fair.

  2. As a friend of mine, Mack said, the Big TexAnn. Picture a large statue of Ann Richards with a shotgun resting on her shoulder.

  3. Definitely go with burning him down every year on the last night of the fair accompanied by spooky chanting with satanic undertones.

  4. I’m waiting for the Oliver Stone movie to come out about Big Tex. Then we’ll finally know just how deep this well of deceit, government espionage and illuminati cover-ups, goes! I mean, isn’t it strange that this happens at the same exact time as a very important/close presidential election? First it was the doctored job numbers, Big Bird, binders with women in them and now this! The question is Zac….just how far down the rabbit hole are you willing to tumble? The TRUTH is out there.

  5. They ‘ll probably go for an exact-ish replica that “doesn’t seem quite right somehow.” I suggest that, for a period of three (3) years, they erect a 50-foot-tall big-mouth bass dressed up in cowboy garb. Howdy, folks, all that, just he’s a big-mouth bass, is all. That way, when Ersatz Tex makes his debut, people won’t complain that “he’s just not the same” — rather, they’ll heave a sigh of relief that he’s not a 50-foot tall big-mouth bass anymore.

  6. I always thought of the 1.0 Big Tex as more like Lincoln without the beard. Creepy, maybe, but I miss the old craggy face. The 2.0 face is more like a bobbing jack-in-the-box head in a carnival-themed horror movie.

  7. Big Tex is just creepy. I get that he’s been a staple for over 60 years and people love it, but to an outsider he is just plain creepy.

    Now, the only other state fair I have been to was sad to lose the woman who made a life-size cow out of butter every year – so take my opinion for what it’s worth.