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A Counterfactual History: Rick Perry Speaks At the Republican National Convention

Everyone knows Rick Perry wasn’t chosen to speak at the Republican National Convention. What this post presupposes is … maybe he was.

(Toby Keith's "I Like Girls That Drink Beer" plays in the background) "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! What is UP, Tampa! WHOOOOOOO!"
(Toby Keith's "I Like Girls That Drink Beer" plays in the background) "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! What is UP, Tampa?! WHOOOOOOO!"
"Haha, ha -- good to see you crazy sum bees again! Dang. Haha. Been too long. Herman! HERMAN. Can't believe you're here. Did we tear it up last night or what?"
"Haha, ha -- good to see you crazy sum bees again! Dang. Haha. Been too long. Herman! HERMAN. Can't believe you're here. Did we tear it up last night or what?"
"You know that's right, Ricky!"
"You know that's right, Ricky!"
"Hermie and I were talking last night, and you know what he told me? He said that if ol' Oh-Bum-Ugh, heh heh, was elected again, that goat roper was gonna outlaw pizza!"
"Hermie and I were talking last night, and you know what he told me? He said that if ol' Oh-Bum-Ugh, heh heh, was elected again, that goat roper was gonna outlaw pizza!"
"Can you believe that bullsh?"
"Can you believe that bullsh?"
"I know. I KNOW." (loud whistle) "So check this out. Big Herm and I stopped by a Godfather's last night and rustled this bad boy up."
"I know. I KNOW." (loud whistle) "So check this out. Big Herm and I stopped by a Godfather's last night and rustled this bad boy up."
"BOOM."
"BOOM."
"WE BUILT THAT! ME AND BIG DADDY CAIN! HANDMADE THE DOUGH AND EVERYTHING! JUST LIKE THIS!"
"WE BUILT THAT! ME AND BIG DADDY CAIN! HANDMADE THE DOUGH AND EVERYTHING! JUST LIKE THIS!"
"ANYWAY. Where was I?" (mumbles inaudibly) "Shout-out to HC, pizza talk..."
"ANYWAY. Where was I?" (mumbles inaudibly) "Shout-out to HC, pizza talk..."
"Oh, right. Right! I was going to tell you guys the story of the night I called ol' Big Love over there and told him I was dropping out of the race because I was already president of Texas and didn't think I could do both jobs."
"Oh, right. Right! I was going to tell you guys the story of the night I texted ol' Big Love over there and told him I was dropping out of the race because I was already president of Texas and didn't think I could do both jobs."
"I have Mittens' text back right here. It's mostly emojis of cats, obviously, but at the end is says, 'Thanks so much, there's no way I could have won with you still in the race, and also your hair is awesome, and your wife is prettier than mine, and you're cool.' Says it right here."
"I have Mittens' text back right here. It's mostly emojis of cats, obviously, but at the end it says, 'Thanks so much, there's no way I could have won with you still in the race, and also your hair is awesome, and your wife is prettier than mine, and you're cool.' Says it right here."
"I almost felt sorry for him. ALMOST."
"I almost felt sorry for him. ALMOST."
"Hey, hey, hey. I said ALMOST. Ol' Ricky P's no softie."
"Hey, hey, hey. I said ALMOST. Ol' Ricky P's no softie."
"Anywho, let's talk about how I personally hunted down and killed Osama bin Laden. Me and a couple dove-hunting buddies were--"
"Anywho, let's talk about how I personally hunted down and killed Osama bin Laden. Me and a couple dove-hunting buddies were--"
"Jesus, Rick, knock it off. You're up here telling one lie after another."
"Jesus, Rick, knock it off. You're up here telling one lie after another."
"Better stop crowding me, Ronnie. They told me, 'Say whatever you want. We don't care.' You feel me? Now go back over there and keep being an extremely distant second."
"Better stop crowding me, Ronnie. They told me, 'Say whatever you want. We don't care.' You feel me? Now go back over there and keep being an extremely distant second."
"Ah, Jesus Christ Smartcar. Paulie All-Nuts sucked the fun right out this. I'm gonna wrap it up."
"Ah, Jesus Christ Smartcar. Paulie All-Nuts sucked the fun right out this. I'm gonna wrap it up."
"I just wanted to take one second to thank my sensei. Chuck! Where are you? CHUCK."
"I just wanted to take one second to thank my sensei. Chuck! Where are you? CHUCK."
"Right here, RP."
"Right here, RP."
"Let's blow this joint. Bet the Chard's getting all sweaty in the van."
"Let's blow this joint. Bet the Chard's getting all sweaty in the van."
"Good luck with Brigham Young and Captain Crunch. PEACE."
"Good luck with Brigham Young and Captain Crunch. PEACE."

8 comments on “A Counterfactual History: Rick Perry Speaks At the Republican National Convention

  1. Don’t misundestimate the power of cat emoji when you have nothing to add to the convo.

  2. And yet, he will probably be re-elected next campaign. The laughingstock of the country.