Weather Predictions For This Summer

Today, outside D HQ, it’s 79 degrees, and, according to Weather.com, it feels like 80. It’s March 1. With it already so warm, what does this mean for summer?

Option 1: Hot. Super hot. DAMN HOT. Like someone threw a boiling cauldron of something you would keep in a cauldron all over you. It doesn’t even feel good to go to the pool anymore. Just thinking about going to the pool, or outside anywhere, makes you actively angry. You get a sunburn inside your head. You feel like punching someone, and that someone doesn’t even care, because they just want to feel something, anything, besides being hot.

Option 2: Same as ever, not completely unlike the above scenario, but you bitch about it maybe 15 percent less. You can at least get some relief at the pool.

Option 3: FLIP-FLOP — a warm winter gives way to a cool summer. You talk to strangers on the street because you feel so GD good, alive seemingly for the very first time. It’s like Dennis Quaid from that movie with Martin Short and Meg Ryan, whose title escapes me just now, is posted up inside your heart and he’s singing all the Jay-Z songs about summer, and there are a lot of them, and they are all pretty great. This is the dream scenario, code named, somewhat clumsily, Operation Magic Dream Land of Magic Dreams.

Option 4: Whatever. But just gripe about it once, okay? Right after July 4. We all live here.

4 comments on “Weather Predictions For This Summer

  1. Feel free to consult Good Morning, Vietnam for all sorts of weather comments, including:
    “The weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it’s hotter than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.”

    “It’s hot. Damn hot! Real hot! Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking.”

    etc.