Articles for December, 2011
Things To Do In Dallas Tonight: Dec. 22
I braved NorthPark last night, and I’m pleased to report that I had an almost-ideal experience. I parked on the third level behind the movie theater, left my bulky coat in my car, and made a mad dash inside. However, I’d love to know whether the half-naked male models shifting awkwardly at the store’s entrance are really boosting Abercrombie and Fitch’s bottom line. Everyone eying that store just looked uncomfortable.
Speaking of NorthPark, celebrators of Hanukkah who wish to brave the madness can attend the menorah lighting tonight and enjoy an evening of community story and song, courtesy of Chabad of Dallas. The third candle will be lit at 6 p.m., on level one between Barney’s and Nordstrom. Feel free to stick around for complimentary refreshments before rejoining the crowd.
Other options include celebrating the season with decidedly unseasonal music. This is a good thing. I’m so sick of “Santa Baby.” (Fighting words: I’ve never actually liked that song.) Anyway, DJ Sober’s Big Bang Thursdays marks its one year anniversary tonight with special guest A.Dd+ at Beauty Bar. Christopher Mosley has more details on FrontRow in the holiday edition of the Weekender. If that doesn’t do it for you, Tori Amos is at the Verizon Theatre. The queen of piano rock has legions of devoted fans, and if you are one, you can still get tickets and participate in what will probably be akin to a religious experience.
For more to do tonight, go here.
Leading Off (12/22/11)
Dallas County Moves to Ban Some Sort of Crazy Thing Where Ex-Convicts Shred Sensitive Documents. Parolees and probationers could earn community service credit shredding documents like Social Security cards and birth certificates until it was shut down this month. Now the county is looking into a ban on the practice. Honestly, I think that’s why everyone should do what I do with those sorts of documents. First, using a mortar and pestle, I grind the document (along with two or three ears of freshly shucked corn) into a powder — personally, I like to leave it a little coarse, but you might like yours finer. Then I make tortillas. Then I eat those tortillas.
Grand Prairie Woman Saved By Her Mailman. The lesson here: if you’re making fudge, take it off the stove before hopping in the shower. Also, just don’t make fudge. It’s overrated. I mean, yeah, that joint that used to be down in the West End? That was good fudge. But, in general, there are so many better ways to get your chocolate fix. Me? I keep it simple. Just a fistful of baker’s chocolate in a lukewarm bottle of Yoo-Hoo.
There’s a Chance of Snow On Christmas Eve. Only like a 30 percent chance, and I’m not going to be here anyway, so what do I care? Not that you asked, but I’ll be spending Christmas where I always do: at a Catholic mission deep in the interior of Mexico, teaching Nguni stick fighting to the underprivileged.
Dog Flu is Coming! I don’t like the idea of dogs getting sick, because I like most dogs more than most people, but this thing reads like it was dictated but not read by Dr. Kevin “Mad Cow” McCall, sitting president of the Greater Dallas Area Veterinarians Association of Dallas (GDAVAD). But I guess get that $25 vaccine. IF YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR DOG AND DON’T WANT HIM TO DIE.
Craig James Files Complaint Against Book Publishers
There are two books out that chronicle the Craig James-Mike Leach imbroglio at Texas Tech: Leach’s Swing Your Sword (to a lesser extent) and Michael Lee’s Double T Double Cross. Well, an alert Red Raider points us to news that James has filed complaints in Collin County against the publishers of the those books. His lawyer want to depose the publishers to investigate a potential claims against them. Says the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal: “The complaint was filed December 12 in 199th District Court of Collin County and lists 27 grounds James believes the authors used to mislead the general public and make defamatory statements against him.”
In a related note, I am currently seeking a publisher for my manuscript titled Craig James Killed 5 Hookers at SMU. I look forward to my deposition.
Naked Pictures of Yu Darvish
Unless you work at a place like D Magazine, the following link will take you to images that are NSFW. But I feel it is our duty here on FrontBurner to show you naked pictures of Yu Darvish. If the Rangers are going to pay that much money for him, and if other media outlets are going to mention the pictures without telling you how to find them, then we’ll come to the rescue. Nante subarashii no.
Rick Perry, You Win. I Cannot Out-Parody You Anymore.
I may still try. But jeez. The guy just is making it impossible. Watch all of this, but the relevant part comes 24 seconds in. My lord. My sweet lord.
(h/t Gawker, and Laura Kostelny laughing)
The Return of Jerry Merwin’s Ties
Faithful FrontBurnervians may remember Jerry Merwin (pictured) from last year 
around this time. Jerry’s been the security manager at St. Paul Place, where D is located, for 11 years, under four different security companies. Gruffly authoritative, but calm and loveable, he’s known for his eagle eye — and for the colorful ties he wears every year at Christmastime.
Subtle, they’re not. You might call the ties “festive.” He’s got 11 of them now, and he starts wearing them the week after Thanksgiving. Tomorrow and Friday, we’ll show you two of his newest ones.
The ties are Jerry’s way of spreading Christmas cheer. Not that he’s really all that pumped up about the holiday. Asked what he wants for Christmas, he says, “I have no idea. … Usually if there’s something I want, I go get it. My wife says I’m impossible to buy for.” So, what did she get for him last Christmas? Jerry thinks for a second and says, “I don’t remember.”
Things To Do In Dallas Tonight: Dec. 21
Is everyone already in the midst of some sort of extreme holiday diet? My friend told me yesterday that he wanted to go to Mai’s, but couldn’t because he wanted to lose weight while his girlfriend is out of town. And then he amended that by saying he needed to counteract all the drinking he was going to do in the next few days. I didn’t think we were supposed to collectively obsess about this until Jan. 2, but if I can’t beat ‘em, I might as well pretend to join them for a mile or so.
This year’s Jingle Bell run kicks off at the Hilton Anatole and winds around the Design District and through Uptown and Oak Lawn. Yesterday was the last day to sign up online, but for those of us who roll last minute, there will be a table for last minute registrations before the race. Go for the mile or the 5K, or just to cheer on the brave, jingling souls prancing their way around town. You could stick around the Anatole for post-race pizza, or clean yourself up and drop by the Moth for a Moscow Mule in one of their awesome copper cups (which customers are frequently tempted to take home– and do). It’s not exactly a winter warmer, but the ginger gives the refreshing drink a nice kick.
Tonight also marks your last chance to catch the Turtle Creek Chorale’s annual Christmas concert series at the Meyerson. My Favorite Things includes renditions of many holiday favorites (“Silent Night,” “The First Noel,” and “We Need a Little Christmas”), but it’s neither too sappy nor too silly. The Grinch in me appreciates this.
For more to do in Dallas, including a toy drive for Children’s Medical Center hosted by a Kardashian whose first name starts with a K, go here.
Jay Gray Parties With Sandusky’s Lawyer, Gets Popped for DWI
Coming a little late to this. You know Jay Gray as the former reporter for NBC Channel 5 who went on to take a job at the network. Well, he was arrested for DUI. That’s not good. Making matters worse, though, he was arrested after watching the Cowboys-Giants game with Jerry Sandusky’s shady lawyer, Joe Amendola. TMZ has some more details. I’m trying to think of worse place than Amendola’s house to have gotten drunk and then climbed behind the wheel. Nope. Can’t think of one.
Big Boi and Fabolous Talk Words With Friends
Get some insight into the two rappers’ strategy in this funny, curse-filled interview at GQ.com. A taste:
Fabolous: One thing they gotta fix is that if someone be taking days to make they move, you should be able to resign motherf—ers. Like, they be taking days to make a move.
Big Boi: Yeah.
Fabolous: And the other thing is that the kid in the studio, when we was playing in the board game, like, you can’t just be trying s—. Like, just plugging in words and letters. I think you should get like three, four tries and that’s it.
I agree 100 percent, by the way. I’ve wanted to be able to resign motherf—ers forever.
Trans-Siberian Orchestra Skips Dallas, Sparing Us All a Mythically Violent Christmas
It looks like the Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s winter tour is skipping Dallas this year. The closest they’ll come is the Frank Erwin Center in Austin, where they’ll play tonight. It’s all for the best, though. The wife and I caught some of this noise on the Christmas station as we shopped Sunday, and we were both momentarily overcome by homicidal tendencies. By the end, I was seeing visions of Santa rampaging through a snowy village, vaporizing homes with his laser vision as his demonic reindeer breathed fire on the survivors. Merry effin’ Christmas.
Leading Off (12/21/11)
Newspaper Publisher Accused of Child Sexual Assault. You may remember Joey Dauben from our April issue. He’s the publisher of The Ellis County News. He’s currently in jail after being indicted for allegedly sexually assaulting a 15-year-old boy in 2007. Friends and family say the charges are made up and in response to a story about child porn rings that Dauben wrote in March.
911 Dispatcher Returns to Work Today. Joan Ware was fired a year ago when Officer Jillian Michelle Smith was shot and killed responding to a domestic assault report. Ware was accused of not following proper protocol, which she later admitted, was true. But, she insists, she did not endanger officers’ lives. In this interview, she says she’s a scapegoat. She returned to work this morning.
Family of 15 Receives Home Makeover. And to get you in the holiday spirit, I give you this story about a makeover for a mom and her 14 kids. Six of the kids are her own; the others are from mothers who could no longer care for them. Before this weekend’s makeover, the kids were sleeping on the floor or sharing a single mattress. Dwaine Caraway helped gather friends to complete the makeover. Now all the kids have beds, fresh carpet, and bicycles
Dallas-based Billionaire Calls Occupy Protesters “Imbeciles”
In this story from Bloomberg, some of the wealthiest men in America defend themselves (presumably from the comfort of their immaculately decorated offices and private jets) against the unfair, heinous attacks of the Occupy movement and those pesky protesters who seem displeased by the widening disparity between the richest few and the folks worried about feeding their families. The CIA says there’s more economic inequality in America today than Iran or India. Not too far in, there’s this bit from Bernard Marcus, the 82-year-old co-founder of Home Depot:
“If successful businesspeople don’t go public to share their stories and talk about their troubles, ‘they deserve what they’re going to get,’ said Marcus, 82, a founding member of Job Creators Alliance, a Dallas-based nonprofit that develops talking points and op-ed pieces aimed at ‘shaping the national agenda,’ according to the group’s website. He said he isn’t worried that speaking out might make him a target of protesters. ‘Who gives a crap about some imbecile?’ Marcus said. ‘Are you kidding me?’”
What, exactly, he thinks rich people who don’t defend themselves “deserve” isn’t clear. (Do the just deserts include tax increases? Bloody revolution? Being forced to fly coach?) What is clear is that Marcus, a man “shaping the national agenda,” believes anyone bothered by the current economic disparity in this country is an “imbecile” he doesn’t “give a crap about.”
Your Comprehensive Guide to Potential Yu Darvish Headlines
If the Nippon Ham Fighters’ pitcher signs with the Texas Rangers (or even if he doesn’t), media folk need to be ready. Good or bad. I already am. Let’s hit it.
- Yu the Man Now, Dog
- Wish Yu Were Here
- Pictures of Yu
- Whirling Darvish
- Yu Better? You Bet
- The Way Yu Do the Things He Do
- Darvish Delight
- Yu Again
- Darvish Game Hen
- Yu Fighters
- Yu and Koji and Tateyama Make Three
- Yu Can’t Handle The Truth
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