Glenn Beck Is Moving to Dallas to Solve the JFK Assassination Once And For All
It took him four chalkboards and the back of an IHOP placemat, but he’s (finally) got a workable theory. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of an enemy of mine managed to get a look, and — while I, yes, had to fill in a few blanks myself, thanks to the shaky iPhone photo I received — here is what I can share. UPDATE: Now with an octopus.
In 2004, Google founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page were advised by their chief counsel, Barry Obama, that President John F. Kennedy Jr. was considering legislation that would severely restrict their forthcoming IPO. He suggested that Brin and Page have him “eliminated,” and that he knew some people who could take care of it in Chicago. Brin and Page agreed, but added that it might be a good time to test out the time travel device Google engineers had been working on, codenamed Google- (as in minus), funded, in part, by Apple, Toyota, Michael Moore, the Conference of Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations, David Geffen, and the Screen Actors Guild.
The plan was to send a team of shooters back to Dallas in 1963 to take out President Kennedy’s still-popular ex-president father. Brin reasoned that it would give them sort of an internal proof of concept for Google-, plus it would cut the head off the snake years before anyone could even think to pin it on them. Also, Brin couldn’t stand the elder Kennedy, who had remained an American icon, despite four marriages, two stints in rehab, and an ill-advised album of big-band standards.
The team — Senator Joseph Biden, comedians Jon Stewart and Larry the Cable Guy, commentator Keith Olbermann, and rapper Common, with Obama acting as a sort of project manager — arrived in the city a month in advance, in order to locate a suitable patsy. Biden came across Lee Oswald in a downtown luncheonette a few days after arrival. Oswald agreed to participate — not knowing the entire crime would be eventually pinned on him — in exchange for $5 million (a sum provided by Pepsi, Wendy’s, and ING).
On the day of the assassination, it all started to go sideways, as these things do, even when well funded and perfectly planned. Stewart, the main trigger man, got cold feet. Mr. The Cable Guy had a case of the booze flu. They needed a triangulation of crossfire to ensure success. So Obama was forced to take Stewart’s place on the grassy knoll, with Common, while Biden was in a tree in Dealey Plaza, and Oswald was on the sixth floor of the schoolbook depository.
Obama, as fate would have it, ended up with the killshot. In exchange, he got a lifetime supply of iTunes credits, $10 million in stock from REI, Sony, NBC, and Facebook, and the presidency in 2008.
UPDATE: I have now been sent the bulk of this in an odd chart/cartoon. A chartoon.
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16 comments
Eureka.
Sounds more like an excerpt from Time Desk: The Chronicles of Dean Dangerous.
Or an alternate universe James Ellroy treatment for American Tabloid/The Cold Six Thousand.
@Wes Mantooth: Oh, would that this desk were a time desk!
what in the slurpee…
I’m glad some of us have some free time to practice creative writing…
Regarding your “piece” on Glenn Beck… Are you serious? D MAGAZINE has hit journalistic rock bottom with this utterly and completely fabricated “piece.” D MAGAZINE, you should be embarrassed for printing such rot. I don’t quite understand your reasoning for printing this article — not enough to do?
FYI: Mr. Beck loves Texas, and has nothing but good things to say about our state, which is why he has chosen to move his family and his business to Dallas. He routinely praises everything about Texas, from its production of HALF of all new jobs in this economic depression, to its roads, its people and just about everything else that is Texas, as he searched out places to grow his family and his business.
Are you aware that he has an extremely large audience — about 10 or 15 times that of your own humble magazine?
Is this how we, Texans, of the friendship state welcome vital, expanding businesses and individuals?
How ’bout doing some fact checking prior to your next piece about Mr. Beck? Did you know that he was invited and warmly received yesterday as he gave his speech to the Israeli Knesset? (similar to our Congress.)
Later this summer, Mr. Beck is holding a RESTORING COURAGE event, for the purpose of showing global support to Israel, along with several US Senators, Presidential candidates, Diplomats, Pastors, Priests, Rabbis, and leaders of other countries, etc. in Jerusalem. Maybe you could put someone on that story — you, know, research? (Bring a pad and pencil.)
Glenn Beck is a serious man with a large growing company and and even larger growing audience. To even waste paper and ink writing such drivel about him and this silly JFK business speaks very poorly for Dallas. In his daily reading, I hope he misses your magazine entirely.
Get it right, guys and gals.
Lori Sue, bless your pea-pickin’ little heart, I’m gonna have to have you go look up the definition of satire and parody.
PS and yes, I realize it is a joke… in extremely poor taste.
Thanks for the Blessing, Bethany! God bless you as well! I agree, dictionaries are helpful…
Does he love America?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTl7A_KY0A4
The creative writing exercise wasn’t very good, in my opinion. But, that aside, Lori Sue Luster is one scary individual. We’ve got loads like her down here, so nut-job former drug addict Zookeeper Beck should feel right at home. I say former drug addict, but drugs might be one explanation for his erratic behavior. The other, of course, is inciting sheeple like Lori Sue, which ultimately helps Beck’s bottom line.
Lori,
This clip has nothing to do with politics, but tells you every thing you need to know about Glenn Beck.
1. False Victimization? Check
2. Creating an imaginary elite conspiring against him? Check
3. Outright lying? Check
http://crooksandliars.com/david-neiwert/ladies-view-rake-glenn-beck-over-coa
But, hey this is how right wing radio works. Let Rush tell you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELRmgJw8muw
Say what you will about the blog entry… That one comment made it all worthwhile. Drove home the point Zac was making better than he or any youtube clip or Jon Stewart parody ever could. It’s almost as if… “Lori Sue Luster” and her comments were contrived beforehand by D Magazine staffers to be placed in the comments section at a predetermined time in order to create at fuss, draw the crazy, socialist, commie-loving progressives into an unwinable debate (since it’s a well known fact that Glenn Beck is a patriot beyond reproach), and thus drive up site traffic, thereby causing Frontburner to become more attractive to potential advertisers.
Is the octopus George Soros?
I grew up in Dallas, but spent my working life in NY and out in California. So as someone who is both and insider and outsider to Dallas, I just have to point out what a dick D magazine looks like in publishing this article:
“Look at MEEEEE, New York and California! Dallas is cool too!!! See, WE can make up stuff about Glenn Back!!!”
There will be once less subscription of D Magazine sent out to California.
We’re sorry to see you go, Steve. We’ll miss your edgy use of all-caps and extra exclamation points, your hurried typos, and your cogent analysis. Just in case you’re not completely 100-percent sure about ditching the sub, I’ll go ahead and e-mail you all the posts I put up in the meantime, with the ones where I make stuff up about Glenn Beck marked with a red exclamation point, so you’re sure to spot them. Then maybe we can coax you back to getting the print version.