Last weekend, Laura Kostelny (the editrix of our sister pub D Home) and I traveled to Chicago to attend the annual City and Regional Magazine Association meeting, whereat CRMA Awards were handed out in several categories. The D family of pubs was a five-time finalist — and a five-time loser. We consoled ourselves with gallons of beer and with the knowledge that TexMo lost out nine times. Okay, they did win a couple times. Go here for the complete list.
Whatever. Here’s the important part of this post: Laura and I invented a new game that I invite you to play at home. It’s called Business Card Roulette™. Before two or more coworkers head off on a business trip, they exchange 20 cards. Each writes something horribly embarrassing on the back of his or her coworker’s cards. Then each person MUST distribute those 20 cards on the trip. Cards must be handed to industry types (not bellhops and so forth), and they must be handed without explanation. Though if a handee asks about the message on the back, the hander can then fess up.
Pretty ingenious, eh? As inspiration, after the jump, I’ve got a few of my favorite cards from the Chicago trip.
WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF LAURA’S CARDS
My facility with the English language did not get me my job, if you know what I mean. My mouth did.
Just so you know: I have a superfluous third nipple.
Cell: [Wick's cellphone number redacted]
I’ve been married three times.
I like to watch.
[line drawing of semi-erect phallus]
I’m on the third day of wearing these panties.
My magazine is way better than yours.
Your magazine is dumb.
Are you holding? I’m looking to score.
I was only pretending to enjoy our conversation.
WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF TIM’S CARDS
You had me at “hello.”
We would make the cutest babies. Ever.
You are pretty. Like my mom.
You are fancy. I like you, fancy pants.
You make me moist.
You are trashy in a good way.
I like your girth.
Are you a prostitute?
My bottom is itchy.
I want to pop the zit on your forehead.
You are like a small-town Carrie Bradshaw. But worse.
Your nipples are hard. I like you.
You plagiarize. I will prove it.
16 comments
A third nipple might be redundant*, but it is not superfluous, as it can be put to good use**. I’ll defer to Laura for further elucidation.
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* Actually, a second nipple is redundant, which I attribute to the Hand Of A Merciful Maker. Richard Dawkins claims it’s proof of random mutations in an indifferent cosmos, but he can suck it. (That’s a figure of speech meaning he can “go pound sand.”)
** It should be noted that entertainment value is a legitimate “use”; as Nietzsche pointed out, it is man alone who laughs, since he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter.
Daniel, you remain my hero. Sorry I missed you at the Granada last week or month or whenever that was.
Is this a…what day is this?
Tim, nice game. Kinda queer and somewhat offensive. Quintessential @timmytyper.
P.S. Question: What if you printed “I’ve got libtards in my crosshairs and their day of reckoning is nigh” and gave it to an agent of the Federal Bureau of Investigations and they arrested your coworker in a pre-dawn raid? Would you then be compelled to reveal the ruse, or could you milk it for a few days for lulz? How many days? I have a specific coworker in mind here.
@Daniel: You could only milk it if you had that third nipple.
Wow. Mark this post for the litigation hold in any hostile-environment case.
@Tim: Well, if that’s the case, play this game with Laura at your own peril, I’d say. You think she’s going to stay at the “I like you, fancy pants” level forever? She’ll have you in Gitmo faster than you can say “Look, let’s make one thing clear: My daughter’s place in that class came at the expense of no other child, needy or otherwise,” and while you’re in your cell, forsaken and grim, wailing at all that is cruel and barbaric in the benighted human character, we’ll be here making glib jokes — not as a coping mechanism, but out of genuine amusement and callousness.
@jrp: You’re one of a handful of people I wanted to meet but didn’t. I asked Tim or Zac if you were around, but it was crowded and they were high on ketamine. Thanks for the kind words — it’s kind of slow here lately, must be the jukebox broke or something. I sorta miss the general cacophony that used to ensue.
@Daniel: Something funny about that general cacophony that used to ensue: while the cacophony is (mostly) gone, the traffic isn’t. As we admitted when Wick shut off the comments awhile back, traffic plunged. But FrontBurner is doing 80,000 unique visitors per month and 250,000 pageviews. And, I might add, we’re doing it without spamming Reddit.
Well, then too, nostalgia comes cheap. Toward the end, things were getting kind of, well, cruel and barbaric, as I guess we old-timers all recall. But the days of Texas Earl Campbell’s Smoked Sausage, Cactus Juice and the Two-Step*, alas, will come no more.
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* The two-step is a country-western dance.
I already do this with the business cards of the random folks at trade shows who hand me their card in the hopes that I will hire them or buy their crap. I consider it a pleasant way to recycle and to stay off of their mailing lists. Just make sure to stick with your own gender. Also, the sexually ambiguous names like Alex, Kobe, Tracy, Ronnie, Shannon, Devin, Carmen, and Billy are fair game.
Highlight of the event was meeting Daniel, who is even more amusing and charming in person. The other highlight was getting to display the Zac shirt. It was covering my four nipples.
Daniel, FB was better prior to the comment era.
Maybe that has less to do with the presence or absence of comments than that back then we had Rod Davis, and Kix, and Celeste.
Now we have…other people.
Or maybe comments just make the contributors lazy.
Timmy was also more entertaining back before he became Grand Poobah and he still had a little Met in him.
@Mark: That stings.
maybe i’ll met yous at the christmas party
and i’ll never forget the Crenshaw stuff, man, those were the days
http://frontburner.dmagazine.com/2008/03/21/sandra-crenshaw-to-protest-tomorrow-at-wicks-house/
This game is legit. I think I see a Nobel prize on the horizon. I mean, the possibilities for this game are endless! I can’t believe I’ve never thought of it!
Can we get an update on what happened with the Crenshaw lawsuit? Did she ever file it?