Much to Krista’s chagrin, the moment I don’t have something to do, I generally turn around and pose a hypothetical question to Tim, not just because he sits closest to me, but also because he actually will really consider even the most arcane hypothetical. For instance: what’s the biggest animal you could reasonably take down with no weapon? He answered “manatee,” for some reason.
Well, he’s not here, and I am in between things just now, so:
An impossibly rich and eccentric, bordering on insane, scientist will give you $100 million to participate in his latest experiment. Scientifically, it is complicated, but the premise is simple: transplanting your consciousness into an animal. In other words, you have all the thoughts and feelings and brain power of a human — mentally and spiritually, you are yourself — but you are inside an animal’s body. (Like the frog prince from fairy tales.) He will allow you to pick the animal, but otherwise, the setup is pretty rigid, and it is absolutely irreversible. (Before Daniel asks: you can’t talk, but you can communicate fairly easily.)
You can use the money in anyway you see fit. I mean, if you wanted nothing but the finest foods, you would still enjoy them, but you would also still be a moose. Or whatever. Two part question: do you do it? If yes, what animal?
22 comments
Nope, I wouldn’t do it. Unless, somehow, the scientist could also make me find animals of my same species attractive. Think about it…would you want to be a bad-ass cheetah if you thought that human females were attractive? Not me, sir.
Grizzly bear. it would hilarious at work especially when customers came to visit. my ability to negotiate would be unparalleled.
Gorilla, so I still have opposable thumbs. I bet I could hit a golf ball 350+ with gorilla strength. And $100 mill will still get you some strange despite being a gorilla.
Can Gorilla livers process whiskey?
A Democrat. Painful, but a true Republican will do almost anything for 100 large.
Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua. If I’m going to be rich now I’ve got to be able to hang with my peeps, yo. Plus I like purses.
Nope. It’d be cool to be a dolphin or Lion for a while but after the novelty wore off it’d suck and you’d probably wind up like Michigan J. Frog.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michigan_J._Frog
It’s tempting to pick some sort of bird. Bald eagle? Because, you know, flying. But birds don’t live that long. And they can’t hang out in bars.
You want an animal that lives for a long time, that can physically enjoy human activities (since you’ll still think like a human), and that — this is important — looks as much like a human as possible so that other humans enjoy your company. I.e., as cool as it would be to have the super-strength of a gorilla, no one wants to hang out with a gorilla.
There’s only one choice: orangutan. They can live to be 60. They are the animal with facial features that most resemble a human’s (far more similar than a chimp’s). Everyone has seen the Clint Eastwood classic Every Which Way But Loose. Orangutans are beloved. And they can drive cars.
And, yes, for $100 million, I would allow myself to become one.
Yes, would be that 100 year old ****atoo flyin around making wise cracks and spending $100 million on nonesense.
*really?
Yes. Elephant.
Once again, Tim is almost right. The correct answer is a bonobo. They only live to be about 40, but they are actually closer to humans in genetic makeup (2nd only to the common chimp), and they are known for their “hypersexuality,” which includes all manner of activity previously thought to be human-only behavior. Because of this free-love worldview, they are far more laid back and less aggressive than the chimp, although they are still far stronger than humans. Combine all these things with the money, and I think you’re looking at a pop culture sensation, with all the benefits that go along with said sensation-dom. (Stage name: Bo.)
Once again, Eric has not followed directions. All the attributes he likes about the bonobo don’t apply, because, as Zac said in his setup: “[Y]ou have all the thoughts and feelings and brain power of a human — mentally and spiritually, you are yourself — but you are inside an animal’s body.”
Then again, ….there is some pretty messed up stuff on the internet with donkeys that may not be so bad if you were the donkey.
Eric – male bonobos blow each other. Enjoy.
Zac’s mistaken. I enjoy these hypotheticals.
My answer to this one is: yes, and I’d become a unicorn. Unicorns live forever, they fly, and, since they’re magical, I could change myself into whatever form I needed. Besides, who doesn’t like to hang out with a unicorn? And, to Eric’s point, what’s a bigger pop culture sensation than a magical horse with a horn and $1 million?
Definitely something at the top of the food chain.
And somewhere there’s a joke here, “A bonobo and Tim walked into a bar….”
Ok yes. A Liger
“It’s pretty much my favorite animal. It’s like a lion and a tiger mixed… bred for its skills in magic.”
Tim brings up a good point about the rules of the hypothetical. If a Democrat suddenly woke up with all the “brain power of a human,” would he or she still be a Democrat?
MP – I believe that was implied, with “all the benefits”.
Tim, as usual, is not listening. (He’s a great manager. Really. Practically a therapist.) I want all the benefits of being a bonobo as well as the benefits of having my own thoughts and feelings. (As well, we could argue whether the animals DNA would necessarily affect your moods, thoughts, etc., just the way they do now. But for the sake of argument we’ll say the rules of evolutionary psychology don’t apply, and your brain/thoughts control every impulse. You can have your free will for these purposes.) All that said, I STILL wanna get with my own kind, just to try it out, and I’d prefer a partner that likes what I likes. For more information, see: The Internet.
@MP: Meh. Bonus.
I would do it, but only if I could be a cougar, and donate my $100M to Hockaday.
@amanda – Winner!