Apparently, there has been some sort of hold-up with this morning’s auction of the Texas Rangers in bankruptcy court. Which has given me just enough time to finalize my bid for the team. Below you’ll find what I believe to be an extremely generous offer.
• My services as a fake name generator, now and in perpetuity. Ask around. I’m awesome.
• All future royalties to my book, Black Tooth Grin. It hasn’t made money yet. In fact, I still owe the publisher like nine grand. But that doesn’t mean it won’t!
• one (1) firm, All-American handshake
• one (1) combination handshake/half-hug
• a single copy of every issue of D Magazine from the past three years
• one (1) copy of the Zac Crain for Mayor double-disc benefit compilation. It has an unreleased Pleasant Grove song!
• My services, now and in perpetuity, as a beard coach
• $9 USD (UPDATE: $9.02 — thanks, Amy)
• one (1) round of the drink of your choice, as long as it is bourbon and water, or similar
• permanent shotgun in my car
Just send me over the paperwork and I’ll have my lawyer take a glance at it. Thanks. Your 2010-11 Texas Rangers: The Time is WOW!
16 comments
I have two cents to donate.
I don’t have any money to contribute, but I’d be glad to sign a petition.
How did you amass a fortune so much larger than Tom Hicks’?
If Zac and Amy are interested in starting a consortium, I can contribute 1 Tide-To-Go pen, 1 empty piggy bank in the shape of a cow, 1 strobe light, 1 box of white tea bags, a bag of dirt from the Cowboy’s Stadium construction site, and 32 cents.
I’ll buy a copy of Black Tooth Grin. Do you know if they have it at Half Price Books?
I’ll offer up the dozen or so souvenir Rangers soft-serve ice cream bowls (of various vintages, 1985-1993)sitting in my parents’ garage. You haul.
OK, I’d consider throwing in about 800 cook books or so. And a case of Bing Energy drink.
@TLS: Just the copies I’ve sold there.
Zac, I just read the first few pages of BTG on Amazon. Not bad. Not bad at all. In fact, quite good.
Amended offer: 1/2 a bag of Starburst Gummibursts.
I bought them, and now realize I do not like things that squirt in my mouth.
I can open a beer bottle with one sure stroke of a seatbelt, lighter, utensil or key. Also I can project a slender stream of water through my two* front teeth some 16 feet, although I’m streaky when it comes to accuracy.
So I can offer some sweat equity, is what I’m saying here.
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* I only require two teeth to dazzle audiences with this stunt, but I in fact have more. Yep, you read that right, ladies!
@ Bethany Anderson
Too Much Information for this blog (except for those so already interested, who are now quite adequately forewarned).
Since the auction is taking forever, I’m going to join this party by offering one fine seafood dinner, after which I will not call my own mother, the sainted Dorothy Mantooth.
@Bethany, why do you have to post something like that while I am at lunch? Now — too late for a snarky response!
“I bought them, and now realize I do not like things that squirt in my mouth.”
Poor Tom.
Today is turning out better than I thought.