Tim called down the thunder. Well, now you’ve got it. After the jump, Sack of Kittens comes out of retirement for a moment.
Looks like? The sort of fake-edgy group you might find in a commercial for jeans no one would ever wear or a beer no one would ever drink. It’s practically an algorithm for market-tested false hipness: one white guy with long hair, one white guy with spiky hair, one white guy with dreadlocks, one black guy (hairstyle irrelevant).
Sounds like? The sort of fake-edgy song you might find in a commercial for an MP3 player no one would ever use or a car no one would ever drive. Egress mixes alternative rock, reggae, hip-hop, and, apparently, a pure and unadulterated hatred for my soul. Or, put simply: a 311 cover band. On a list of things the world needs, a 311 cover band falls just behind a land war in Asia and just ahead of contagious cancer.
Semi-famous member? Nigel Wheeler, a reporter for Channel 5 who goes by the name Kali Green while “rocking” the “crowd” at Egress shows.
Why Kali Green instead of Nigel Wheeler? Because the only person you’d rather hear news from less on Channel 5 than Jane McGarry is the front man for a band that sounds like Egress.
Band’s attempt to sell itself and its new album? From their MySpace site: “Egress has just released there new cd Freshly Squeezed working with world renouned producer Tom Gordon, and have created a cd that will be quite the ear massage.”
Things wrong with that sentence? It’s “their,” not “there.” It’s “world renowned,” not “world renouned.” Actually, it’s “completely unknown,” not “world renowned.” And it’s “egregious waste of time,” not “ear massage.”
Who have they played with? Phunk Junkeez, Stink Bug, Vallejo, Vanilla Ice, the Aggrolites.
Number of bands on that list you should be absolutely mortified to own a CD by? All of them. Though one could make the argument that ownership of a Vanilla Ice disc (at least the one with “Ice, Ice Baby” – which is to say, pretty much all of them) could come in handy for ironic purposes. But I wouldn’t.
Number of kittens in the sack they’re currently standing on? Five, and they’re all wondering why Nigel Wheeler ditched his day job in favor of this.
Felt good, didn’t it, Zachary? Glad to see you back.
I know we the bloggers are not supposed to comment in the comments section, per Wick’s edict (name of my new band), but, Zac, that post was spectacular. I’m glad you didn’t become mayor.
So, you’re not allowed to comment in the comments section? When did Wick throw down this tyrannical edict? If you’re not allowed to comment in the comment section and you’re asked a question there, are you going to create a new blog entry just to answer said question?
I hate this.
Greatness!
Temptation’s a bitch, ain’t it, Zac…?
Welcome back to the dark side. Hope you stick around for supper…
What, no sack of kittens for Chris Jones after this pegasus news expose?:
http://www.pegasusnews.com/news/2007/nov/28/lee-harveys-noise-crusader-poop-scooping-scofflaw/
Zac for president.
Do it. The Can-D.O. Music Section Can Do It Again. You know you want to:
https://villagevoicemedia.tms.hrdepartment.com/cgi-bin/a/searchjobs_quick.cgi
I haven’t even heard of this musical group previously, but they’ve now replaced the ever-self-indulged Velvet Revolver as my new Most Loathed Band.
Thanks for input, Zac!
there is at least one member of SouthFM hiding under a couch somewhere in fear that Zac is back.
I’ve missed the Sack of Kittens genius. I beg you to bring it back full time.
ahhhhhhh…..
I unretired my old moniker for this one.
You want to know what made this thing great week in and week out, Mr. Zac? The fact that it was completely unprovoked, but entirely necessary. I never felt bad for these acts just as I don’t feel bad for the unsuspecting goobers caught early in the American Idol crosshairs. Somebody needs to tell acts like this that you are doing more harm than good to this society, and the only reasonable market for your music is the ether.
Yo, Mr. Allison, since I have gone nearly a week without reminding you that you are rich and disconnected (your own posts have far exceeded any words I could have dreamed of) how about mining some of the talent you have in house and letting Crain unleash this in the print edition. Or are you scared that Egress won’t buy an advertisement?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to join Nancy on my patio while we bird watch and enjoy the ‘82 Haut Brion I had been saving until S.o.K.’s returned.
Hey! What’s wrong with the Aggrolites?
Applause. No, wait. Ovation…standing.
Egress has sold over 2,000 copies of their cd that is pretty good considering the have only played in a couple of states and are from Arlington, TX. They are doing what they love for a living, and judging from your story I don’t think you can say the same about yours. Take a midol and chill out. The reason why people periodically hate their life is because of negitive people like you. Sad excuse for a story/review. Good Day
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