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Making Dallas Even Better

The Real Housewives of Dallas Episode 6 Recap

Before we begin, if I may: at a dinner party last week, a friend of mine was telling me how much she enjoys my Real Housewives of Dallas recaps. Always nice to hear. And painful. “You know,” she said, “those recaps could lead to a writing job.” Yes, I suppose that is possible. Maybe one day I will have a writing job. Perhaps this recap of Episode 6, titled “Locken Loaded,” will impress someone enough to give me a job that entails writing.

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All Clichés Are Bigger in Texas Award Nominee: Friday Night Lights Edition

Last weekend, voters in McKinney approved a bond that will fund a nearly $63 million high school football stadium, and national press outlets have taken note. At that price, it would be the most expensive in the country, supplanting the troubled Allen ISD ball yard.

Today’s nomination goes to a Forbes contributor, Maury Brown. He writes:

This all gets back to keeping up with the Jones’. McKinney may be the biggest Taj Mahal high school football stadium now, but only a fool would think that there isn’t already boosters from other areas trying to mount a charge to get theirs built. Everything is bigger in Texas… including stadium envy.

Pray this newfound trend doesn’t gain a foothold outside the state. Imagine what the response from the state that prides itself on saying, “don’t mess with Texas” might be.

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All Clichés Are Bigger in Texas Award Nominee: Uninformed New Yorker Edition recently brought a young writer for Bustle — a site “for & by women who are moving forward as fast as you are” — on a junket to Dallas. She mistakenly believes she was visiting “the South,” and her primary experience in her 24 hours in our fair city was attending an FC Dallas game up in Frisco.

She concludes about Texas:

Lindsey and I stayed at the Hyatt Regency in downtown Dallas, which felt like it was the size of a small country. Expansive views, spacious rooms, panoramic elevators, 50 stories — one wrong turn and I’d get lost for sure. But it wasn’t just the hotel that was huge. We couldn’t help but notice how larger than life everyday things were all over the city: couches, restrooms, restaurant chairs, food portions, drinks, sidewalks. Some things really are bigger in Texas.

But hair? Where was the big hair?! Is that in Houston?

In case she follows the linkback to this post, here’s what Sarah Hepola wrote for us about the big hair myth.

All Clichés Are Bigger in Texas Award Nominee: Monster Truck Edition

Occasionally, in our ongoing resistance against the burden of type-casting that comes with living in the Lone Star State, we must raise our hands in surrender and admit “Yeah, OK, guilty as charged.” Via Uproxx, with an unwitting assist from WFAA:

Because everything is bigger in Texas, a good samaritan in Parker County drove around in his monster truck on Monday to rescue his stranded neighbors after the Brazos River flooded the town of Millsap.

According to local broadcast station WFAA News 8, their crew came across kindhearted monster truck driver Cole Geeo, driving around in his 8-foot high vehicle, and finding people to rescue. One person he rescued was Deborah Wright, who got trapped on her second floor balcony. When News 8 interviewed her by phone, as she waited for her knight in shining monster truck, she said of the flooding, “This is not my first rodeo with this.”

Her friend said of the rescue, “That’s a redneck rescue, I do believe.” Aw. You can see Wright climb a ladder onto the truck, and then land safely on dry landin the News 8 package.

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What We Saw at Last Night’s Real Housewives of Dallas Premiere

The elegant lighting and soft R&B set a glamorous scene for “The Real Housewives of Dallas” premiere last night at the Chandelier Room. While the press tested their microphones and asked “what’s that one’s name again?” to one another, I took a lap around the venue.

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All Clichés Are Bigger in Texas Award Nominee: Cattle Rustling Edition

Modern Farmer on the case of a man convicted of stealing livestock:

A cattle rustler by the name of Clinton James Easter recently found out that everything is, in fact, bigger in Texas, including prison sentences. Easter, 47, of Eastland County, Texas, was sentenced earlier this month to 30 years for stealing 15 head of cattle, which is two years per animal.

Eastland County is about 100 miles southwest of Fort Worth. Texas, the piece goes on to explain, has some of most severe cattle-rustling punishments in the country:

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All Clichés Are Bigger in Texas Award Nominee: The Day We’ve Long Dreaded Is Here

Bravo made it official this afternoon:

But there’s even more Housewives to enjoy in 2016! Stay tuned for details on The Real Housewives of Dallas, which will debut later next year. And, yes, the series will certainly confirm that everything — including the drama — is bigger in Texas.

God help us all.

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All Clichés Are Bigger in Texas Award Nominee: Kiwi Edition

Stuff, a news and entertainment website in New Zealand, offers its readers tips for visiting Texas:

All the stereotypes you associate with Texas are typically accurate: cowboy hats, cowboy boots, conservative, Republican, meat lovers – with one exception, Austin. In sharp contrast to the rest of the state, this city boasts one of the fastest-growing populations in the United States, many of whom are more “alternate” in their habits and include a stack of vegetarians.

Do they mean “alternative”? And how many vegetarians constitutes a stack?

Then there’s this:

Texans rarely walk anywhere. Neither do they all drive “pick-ups” or utes (Austin, in fact, has a lot of Smart cars). It’s rare to see someone taking a stroll, and they will insist you don’t either.

Yep, they nailed us.


Everything’s Bigger In SHUT UP

This headline, for a preview of the new Nebraska Furniture Mart, is not word-for-word the dreaded “everything’s bigger in Texas” trope, no. But it is meant to evoke that phrase and for that is is close enough. Too close. It’s hard enough when those jeans-kicking words are trotted out by carpetbagging Yankees, but much worse when the lazy cliche-spouting comes from inside the house.


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Further Thoughts On The Guy That Ordered That Giant Starbucks Drink

1. Now that I see the details of Andrew Chifari’s stunt — as a Gold member of their loyalty club, he was entitled to a free drink, basically limited only by whatever dumb thing he could come up with and whatever the baristas would allow, and, I mean, what do they care — I sort of respect the hustle.
2. THAT SAID, it took him five days to drink it. That I do not respect. The way I see it, Starbucks called his bluff and then he folded. Sure, it would have been borderline suicidal to drink that many shots of espresso in one day. Look at it this way: when you order one of those gag 72-ounce steaks, you clean your plate or you lose. You don’t get up on the steakhouse wall with a doggie bag. Same rules apply here, as far as I’m concerned.
3. The name he came up with for the drink — Sexagintuple Vanilla Bean Mocha Frappuccino — lacks panache. I mean, OK, it’s Starbucks, so maybe he felt he had to abide by the naming conventions. But you bring your own 128-ounce vase and manage to get them to fill it with caffeine slurry, you get naming rights, and you need something that doesn’t sound like an Idiocracy deleted scene. Say you want a “DEATHBRINGER” and have them Sharpie your name on the side.
4. Finally: “I think the fact that Kelly Ripa said my name and Michael Strahan said I was smart has been the most exciting.” DREAM BIGGER, FELLA.

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All Clichés Are Bigger in Texas Award Nominee: Starting a Business Edition

So Forbes recently ranked Dallas as one of the best markets in the country for starting a business. The seventh-best, to be exact. Said they of our fair city:

The northern Texas city gets consistently good marks across all categories. Its small businesses, while not as well-liked as others on our list, are likely to fall in high-growth industries and adopt social media. With nearly half of its businesses employing less than 50 people, Dallas also boasts a relatively large small business community.

That’s all good and fine. But we’re here to discuss their choice of photo in representing Dallas as a vibrant home to entrepreneurship: A row of western boots.

Let’s see how this compares to the art used for the remainder of the top 12:

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All Clichés Are Bigger in Texas Award Nominee: Conan O’Brien Edition

Conan O’Brien is bring his TBS talk show to Dallas to tape a week’s worth of shows at the Majestic Theater in the days leading up to the NCAA Final Four being played at Jerry’s AT&T Death Star at Arlington, April 5 and 7. Show dates are March 31-April 3, and free tickets are supposed to be made available today. Sign up for those here.

Team Coco (O’Brien’s production company) is also seeking submissions of fan art with a Texas or basketball or (presumably) Texas basketball theme. Select entries will be used within the Majestic or possible broadcast.

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All Clichés Are Bigger in Texas Award Nominee: Champ d’Or Edition

Check out this headline on a blog post about the sprawling $35 million Champ d’Or estate in Hickory Creek going back on the market.

Et tu, Houston Chronicle?


Another in a rambling, occasional, rootin’, tootin’, calf-ropin’ series about writers who use Texas and Dallas clichés in their pieces.

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