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Zac Crain is a senior editor at D Magazine. He moved to Dallas in 1997, and since then, he's worked as an editor at the Dallas Observer and American Way, written for Esquire and Spin, ran for Dallas mayor, written a book, and served as "glue guy" for a handful of rec-league basketball squads. Scouting report: can't go right, but he's a creative passer, and semi-accurate set shooter.

How Will You Feel When Adrian Peterson Is Playing For The Cowboys Next Season?

1. Adrian Peterson won’t play another down for the Vikings this season, and most likely, because of his contract if nothing else, he won’t play another down for the team, period.

2. The Cowboys are still owned by Jerry Jones. He’s only ever shied away from a player for moral reasons once (Randy Moss) and regretted it ever since. Also, from Don Van Natta Jr.’s celebrated profile:

Then a man taps Jones on the shoulder, says Adrian Peterson wants to say hello and hands over an iPhone. Jones says hi to the Minnesota Vikings’ star running back and listens, nodding but not smiling. “Well, I understand, Adrian,” he says into the phone. The slanted smile returns. “I’d like that, too. … Well, I love your story. I love your daddy’s story. I’ve always respected what you’ve been about. I’ve always been a fan of yours.”

Listening to half the conversation, it is obvious Peterson is telling Jones he wants to play for the Cowboys. Peterson, 29, is in the fourth year of a seven-year, $100 million contract that will pay him $11.75 million this autumn to play for the Vikings.

“Well, we’ll see what we can do, if we can make that happen,” Jones is now saying. “Hmm-hmm. … I’d like that, too. … Well, we’re talking pig Latin here, but let’s see if we can do that.” Jones listens, nods and says again, “We’re talking pig Latin here, but let’s see what we can do about that. OK, Adrian, thanks.”

3. The Cowboys will be coming off another 8-8 season and will need to stay in the headlines.

So, again, how will you feel when Adrian Peterson is playing for the Cowboys next season?

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Why Was John Wiley Price Trying To Get a Court-Appointed Attorney?

Yesterday, Judge Renée Harris Toliver denied the county commissioner’s request to have court-appointed counsel represent him on public corruption charges. But why did he request such a thing in the first place? He’s been represented by Billy Ravkind forever. Can Price really not afford him now? Or is this a gambit to start laying the groundwork for a future appeal and/or forcing the government to pay for his defense? Or some other thing I’m just not smart enough to see? I’ll hang up and take your answers in the comments.

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Sam Merten Resigns From Mayor’s Staff To Run For City Council

In a move that was expected, the mayor’s spokesman and former Dallas Observer writer Sam Merten has resigned to run for City Council. Specifically, the District 9 seat that is opening up since Sheffie Kadane is being term-limited out.

The mayor’s chief of staff, Adam McGough, is handling Merten’s duties for now, but may also run for a council seat. The mayor still hasn’t decided if he’s running for re-election, but you’d think if McGough decides to run, too, then Rawlings more than likely will.

Anyway, I’m open to taking Merten’s job if the mayor is ready for some fun.

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RadioShack On the Verge of Bankruptcy

Despite trying to rebrand itself as The Shack and hiring a bunch of has-beens to be in its ads and whatever else, the formerly useful electronics store now says it can’t stay afloat “beyond the very near term.” (As of August 2, it had $30.5 million in cash, or $6,800 for each of its 4,485 stores.) Yeesh. If it goes under, I don’t know where I’m going to get my, uh, hmm, my, let’s see here, my, um, uh — yeah.

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Leading Off (9/11/14)

Small Earthquake Hit Irving This Morning. It was a 2.9. A 2.4 hit Arlington on Sunday. Based on the locations so far, we’re looking at places connected with the Cowboys, so keep an eye out if you live near Valley Ranch.

Prime Prep’s Enrollment Rolls Back. It’s down to around 320 students, or about half the 600 they were expecting. Glass is half full version: enrollment is still around 320 students, much higher than the zero many assumed at this point.

June Jones Did Not Recruit North Texas High Schools Very Well, According to North Texas High School Coaches. Maybe the next guy will do better.

Kid Convinces City Councilman To Buy Him a New Suit. Sounds like someone is learning how to be a county commissioner. That’s my five minutes. You guys have been great! Carlos Mencia is up next.

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Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Wet ‘N Wild — And Water Parks In General

Grantland’s Bryan Curtis has a massive story about the genesis of Wet ‘N Wild (now Hurricane Harbor), Schlitterbahn, and pretty much every other water park ever. You should check it out. A taste:

Naming the park proved simple. Rolly Crump remembered, “One day, at a meeting, George said, ‘We got to come up with a name. It’s got to be wet and it’s got to be wild.’

“I said, ‘Well, George, that’s it. Call it Wet ’n Wild.’” Later, the name would be as soothingly generic as the chains on International Drive: the Red Carpet Inn, the Western Sizzlin’ steak house. Yet for the men standing on the threshold of a great invention, Wet ’n Wild almost sounded dangerous. They made sure the opening round of ads emphasized that the park was safe.

About that: A few days before Wet ’n Wild opened, in March 1977, Millay invited the Orlando hotelier Harris Rosen to watch the first teenager test the Whitewater Slideways. These were the concrete slides Millay had seen in Placerville, California, now rebranded and lengthened. (They measured 400 feet.) The teen folded his arms across his chest, slid down the flume, skipped right across the surface of the splash pool, and landed in a heap on the concrete.

“That wasn’t supposed to happen, was it, George?” Rosen said.

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SMU Coach June Jones To Resign

I don’t know if SMU would have outright fired June Jones during the season. Maybe they wouldn’t have fired him at all. But it can’t really come as a surprise that Jones is stepping down after two games, because SMU lost those two games by a cumulative score of 88-6. And one of those games was against UNT.

When I talked to Jones a couple of years ago, he said, “My biggest thing when I came here was that I wanted to, just like Hawaii, build it so that it could sustain if I wasn’t here.”

His agent, the once-powerful Leigh Steinberg, apparently standing in a full flight suit on an aircraft carrier, tweeted that “June had felt for some time he had accomplished mission to turn around program and needed a break” and it’s like Steinberg has no idea that you type words into a box, hit “send,” and then people can read those words.

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A Game-By-Game Guide To How The Cowboys Miss the Playoffs Again

The Dallas Cowboys will obviously again miss the playoffs and more than likely finish 8-8 in doing so. But how? Read this and save yourself a few hours every week.

Week 1: 49ers — WIN
More of a 49ers loss than a Cowboys win, but whatever. You know who doesn’t see it that way? Jerry Jones and every Cowboys fan, all of whom get way, way too excited about the season’s prospects. “Super Bowl” is mentioned with a straight face. Prevailing sentiment in town: OH MY GOD, ARE THEY REALLY GOING TO DO THIS THING?

Week 2: At Titans — LOSS
Nope.

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Leading Off (9/4/14)

Man and Woman Found Dead In Frisco Home. It’s the same home where police found the body of 10-year-old Arnav Dhawan in January, which led to his mother, Pallavi, initially being accused of murder. Police haven’t confirmed, but the bodies found yesterday afternoon — near the pool and inside the house — are thought to be Pallavi and her husband Sumeet. A Collin County justice of the peace had recently ruled that police had probable cause to continue investigating Arnav’s death.

Greg Abbott, Wendy Davis Agree To Live, Televised Debate on September 30. It will be hosted by KERA after negotiations for a planned debate on WFAA on the same date fell apart.

Christian Group Plans Protest At AT&T Stadium Sunday To Protest Michael Sam Signing. Whatever.

Council Looks At Ordinance Requiring Rest Breaks For Construction Workers. The rule, first passed in Austin, doesn’t ask for much: 10 minutes of rest for every four hours of work; access to drinking water; penalties for violators. Sort of with Council member Sandy Greyson: “I can’t believe we’re even talking about this.”

Council Also Generally Supports Privatizing Fair Park. Nothing has been voted on but the Council mostly liked what it heard regarding a new governance structure from the special Fair Park task force. The task force was charged with coming up with “dramatic ideas,” and I’m still waiting to hear those. Putting a private nonprofit in charge? Not dramatic. Naming the ghost of the late Dennis Hopper as president of that private nonprofit? Closer. Making Ghost Hopper’s first order of business installing and maintaining a lava-filled moat around the midway? Definitely in the ballpark. Doing away with citywide elections and instead choosing the mayor and council based on who can successfully cross Ghost Hopper’s river of fire? Now we’re talking. But, sure, leave me off your task force. See if I care.

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Leading Off (8/28/14)

Six Police Shootings In 17 Days. People are wondering what is going on. Not saying something is, but with that many in such a short period of time, it’s worth asking a question or two.

Deion Sanders Trying to Merge Prime Prep Academy With Another School. Flash forward two years, and this newer, bigger, more embattled school is trying to merge with another another school. Take the L, Deion.

VENOMOUS CATERPILLARS. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Texas Transportation Commission May Block Toll Lanes On Central. Finally, someone is talking some sense.

U.S. Attorney Sarah Saldaña May Become First Latina Head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement. She’s being looked at for the gig by the Obama administration. I’m sure she’d do a great job, based on the times I’ve seen her lose her mind at various sporting events, which is not even remotely germane to the matter at hand, so I’m not sure why I brought it up.

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St. Vincent On Merritt Tierce’s Love Me Back

St. Vincent, aka erstwhile Dallas resident Annie Clark, was recently interviewed by Andy Morris for GQ UK. The entire thing is entertaining, but I guess the relevant portion for our purposes is when she recommends Merritt Tierce’s new novel, Love Me Back.

Can you recommend a good book?
I just read a book called Love Me Back by a woman from Dallas, Texas called Merritt Tierce. It’s excellent. It’s fiction but it seems to be cut pretty close to her life: she talks about her life in the food service industry (which sounds like it could be a very boring premise) but it’s an awesome book. It’s especially poignant for me reading it because I knew every restaurant she was talking about in Dallas: they remind me of a time in my life. I remember when you were 14 and you’d used to go to Chillis [sic] to hang out on a Friday night and think it was very wild. All the tchotchke Americana on the walls: amazing!

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American Family Association Doesn’t Like New RadioShack Commercials

The American Family Association is not known for its sense of humor, to say the least (Google tries to autofill a search for the organization with “american family association hate group”). So it is with a complete lack of surprise that we report that the AFA is not altogether thrilled with RadioShack’s latest, somewhat sexually charged ad campaign.

“The RadioShack ads are immature, juvenile, and downright distasteful,” the AFA said in a release. Which, honestly, is the best part and how I assume — or hope, I guess — the agency pitched the campaign.

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