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Leading Off (8/13/14)

“I’m Pissed Off at America,” Says Doug-e-stan Founder: Douglas LeGuin is sitting in jail, charged with seven counts of aggravated assault on a public servant. Those counts stem from his luring of police and fire officers to the North 40 Lane subdivision off Frankford Road, booby-trapping a house with propane, then shooting at the officers. “I seceded from the nation,” LeGuin told a police dispatcher. “This is Doug-e-stan right here.” All shooting and booby-trapping aside….Doug-e-stan? Doug. Come on. You could’ve even just used LeGuin, if you wanted to keep it familial. It would’ve sounded like a French colony. Now it’s just Doug-e-stan, which sounds like what Kevin James might’ve called his garage on King of Queens.

Weatherford Police Continue Search for Flag-burner: [Puts on deerstalker hat]: look for the kid with the NIИ logo Sharpied into his physics notebook, the one who’s got nothing else to do on a Monday night two days before school starts again. I don’t think we’re looking for a hardened criminal. [Removes deerstalker hat.]

Cowboys, Raiders Fight During Practice: Wait, I should’ve said “Cowboys, Raiders, and Random Fan Fight During Practice,” because, bizarrely, that’s what happened. The fight started when Cowboys cornerback Morris Claiborne tackled a Raiders player; there was supposed to be no tackling at the practice. Raiders players rushed to their teammate’s defense, and so did a fan. The fan hit Claiborne twice with his hand, and once with a helmet. A good joke: “Get that man a Cowboys jersey!!!!”

Pet Buffalo Shot to Death: Her name was Precious and she was beautiful and someone trudged 400 yards through the brush to shoot her. Teddy Roosevelt would not be pleased.