Leading Off (5/23/14)

Robert Gates Elected President of Boy Scouts. The former secretary of defense, an Eagle Scout, is now the leader of the kerchief set. Our own Bradford Pearson, also an Eagle Scout, will be along shortly to comment on this development and also to confess that he is gay and that he cheated to get his soufflé badge. (Note: I made that joke only because I am half the man that Brad is and because I’m jealous of his scrapbooking badge.)

Dallas One of Four Finalists for GOP Convention. Las Vegas and Cincinnati withdrew rather than avoid elimination yesterday, which is like pulling up with a bogus hamstring injury in a 100-meter dash rather than getting your ass handed to you. Weak! Now it’s us, Cleveland, Denver, and Kansas City (the one in Missouri). Mayor Mike Rawlings says, “[The Republican party] is the customer, and we’re the sales guys. So all I’m doing right now is saying, ‘Yes, yes, yes.’ Whatever they want.” Message to Republican party: tell Rawlings you just want to be left alone. (Sorry. Might be anticipating Father’s Day a little.)

Yet Another Rangers Injury. This time it’s Prince Fielder. Neck surgery will keep him out the remainder of the season. Just hard to believe how many guys on that team are hurt. So Russell Wilson was just for funsies? You sure?

Man Charged for Being Naked, Jumping Through Woman’s Sunroof. This story is funny if you don’t think too hard about it. So don’t think too hard about it.