The Ideal Dallas Cowboys Draft

Jerry Jones and the Dallas Cowboys have had some awful drafts over the years. Most years, actually, apart from when Jimmy Johnson and Bill Parcells were running the war room. Can they do better this year? Probably. Here is how.

FIRST ROUND, NO. 16
JOHNNYFOOTBALL
Arguably, there are actual football reasons to pick Johnny Manziel here. Tony Romo is 34, coming off back surgery, and is already making a pretty seamless transition into a post-NFL career as a cooler. But this is all about buzz, jersey sales, giving ESPN’s Ed Werder something to do, and so on. Maybe it would actually work on the field, but that’s sort of beside the point. They’ve already explored the studio space on how to go 8-8 by blowing six or seven games in excruciating fashion. Now is the time to try something different: going 8-8 when your cornerback punches your starting QB over an argument at a club or a tweet or something, while Drake is moping in the corner of Jerry Jones’ suite.



SECOND ROUND, NO. 47
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You draft a mercurial superstar, you need an enforcer — on the field and off. Former NBA power forward Charles Oakley is the best in the business is and he’s available, so jump on it. And he can play … tight end? Sure. Tight end. He’ll be like a less athletic but still fearsome Antonio Gates. He didn’t play football in college either. People are still terrified of Charles Oakley. The most legit tough guy to ever play in the NBA. You need someone like that, because you know Manziel is just going to irritate everyone — on purpose, accidentally, and maybe a mixture of both sometimes. Also, now you’ll have Michael Jordan in Jerry’s suite, too.



THIRD ROUND, NO. 78
MOONEY-SEPIA
You need to control the narrative, and what better way than taking the guy that The Atlantic has called the most exciting new talent in magazine writing or something like that. Mike’s not here, so I can’t see the tattoo he has of that. Scouting report: surprisingly quick, easily distracted. You’ll get a 10,000-word feature and solid special teams play here.



FOURTH ROUND, NO. 119
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They need depth on the offensive line and Baylor guard/tackle Cyril Richardson has good value here, especially with Doug Free probably leaving soon.