Find a back issue

We’re Ducked: End Times Coincide with Announcement of the Duck Commander 500

DuckDynasty

Working from home today, high above downtown Dallas, and it’s quite an amazing scene out there — and I’m not talking just about the snowstorm. In fact, I just saw, emerging from First Baptist, what appears to be seven angels. They were hard to see, as they were clothed in pure and white linen, but I’m pretty sure their breasts were girded with golden girdles, as redundant as that may sound. Then — and I know this sounds odd — four beasts gave them each what appeared to be a vial, or a bowel, perhaps. Also, I heard this song from the heavens. That seems important.

[Clearly related] Texas Motor Speedway — which last year had the NRA as its NASCAR Sprint Cup race sponsor — today announced a new multiyear title sponsor for its April tail-chase: Duck Commander, the company run by the charming homophobe Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty. The announcement came from TMS president/troll artist Eddie Gossage:

This is perhaps the most unique sponsorship in professional sports because not only does this come with special branding, it comes with celebrity spokespeople that are followed by tens of millions of people every week. Fans will see members of the Robertson Family and cast of Duck Dynasty and all the rest during Duck Commander 500 week here at Texas Motor Speedway and we have produced some awesome merchandise that both race fans and Duck Commander fans will love. This marriage is perfection.

Well, it’s not perfection. As we all know, gay marriages are the only perfect marriages, since they’re usually based on equal parts love and income. I would call it “a perfect marriage of event and stereotype.” Not that it matters when the end times are upon us.