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On A.C. Gonzalez’s Choice To Remain a Virgin

Trivia: the “A.C.” doesn’t stand for anything.

It is time that this issue be addressed. Yes, our new city manager, A.C. Gonzalez, is a virgin. He is a deeply religious man, and he has decided to save himself. That is also why, during City Council meetings, he sometimes wears a small green teddy bear strapped to his head. It’s to promote sexual abstinence among unmarried people. If you search hard enough, you can probably still find the video that A.C. made back in the day with Arsenio Hall to convince people that waiting to have sex is even safer than having safe sex. And the rumors you’ve heard are true. Jill Jordan, Theresa O’Donnell, and the other assistant city managers have for years tried to tempt A.C. into breaking his promise to God, sending wanton women to his City Hall office. A.C. has always firmly but politely turned them away, quoting scripture as he does. So once again: yes, A.C. is a virgin. Let’s please move past his personal life and get on with the more important business of running the city.

Also, he has chronic hiccups.