Courtney Loves Dallas Episode 7 Recap

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Your intrepid recapper ventures into treacherous territory this week. “Courtney Loves Herself!” presents a tough episode to tackle. Not only does it introduce a storyline that involves D Magazine, where I am employed, but something actually happens in this episode. Courtney and Tori get into a heated ontological argument in a hotel room about what is “fake” and what is “real.” Let’s make this happen:

The show opens in Courtney’s apartment, where she telephonically informs Tori that she is headed to an interview for a spot on a morning TV talk show. Yes, that would be D: The Broadcast, the show we launched last year in partnership with KTXD. That partnership lasted about six months and ended last August. So. Yeah.

Cut to Courtney in the interview. A man named Stuart Boslow asks the questions from behind his desk. Our marketing director, Jennifer Miller, is present, seated next to Courtney. But she says nothing. Behind Courtney and Jennifer looms a rather impressive metal filing cabinet. Courtney tells Stuart, “I think I’m good at, like, thinking on my feet and thinking quickly [presumably in the seated position, to distinguish that from thinking on her feet], and that wit sometimes kicks into, like, autopilot where I can crack a joke quickly.” At no point does Courtney bother to tell Stuart that she can time travel, which seems to me like a useful skill for a morning TV talk show about current events. If you knew, for instance, that on Friday the Federal Reserve was going to curtail its bond purchases, then on Thursday you would have a huge advantage over other morning talk shows.

Without knowing Courtney’s super power, Stuart puts her through a screen test with Lisa Pineiro. Courtney tells the Bravo camera, “Lisa Pineiro is, like, a legit news anchor.” Or maybe she says, “Lisa Pineiro is like a legit news anchor,” without the commas. There is a huge difference in meaning, depending on how you punctuate that sentence. I rewound and watched it several times in an effort to get her intention, but, like, I couldn’t figure it out. As the screen test progresses, Jennifer and Stuart watch with serious looks on their faces. Jennifer whispers into Stuart’s ear. I imagine she says, “Want to get a sandwich after this?” Then Stuart hires Courtney right there on the set, in front of Lisa Pineiro. I like the way that man operates. Not afraid to make a decision, that Stuart. If you think that Stuart has ever gone shopping and stared at the bottles of olive oil for minutes on end, trying to decide which one to buy, then you are mistaken. When Stuart gets to the olive oil aisle — pow — he grabs a bottle. I can promise you this.

Courtney tells the Bravo camera, “Like, this legitimizes me. This makes me feel important. This makes me feel valued. That’s been the name of the game all along.” It saddens me that Courtney craves this external validation. I want to grab her by the shoulders and shout, “Courtney! You are a not-unattractive 31-year-old woman with a thriving blog about clothes! You don’t need a morning TV talk show to make you feel important! Also, whatever happened with your mother’s cancer?!” The scene ends with a sweeping aerial shot of the D Magazine building, which is confusing, because not only did the screen test happen at the KTXD studios and not in our offices, but no one outside of Dallas has any idea what that white “D” on the red square is a logo for. Thank goodness.

Next we find Courtney driving through the rain, talking on speaker to Tori. It is Tori’s birthday, and she wants to know what Courtney has planned for her. Courtney confesses to the Bravo camera that she has planned nothing, but to Tori she says they are going shopping and she’ll fill her in on the rest of the plans later because it’s a surprise. As she tells this lie to her best friend, Courtney pets and strokes her own hair, which makes it impossible to keep her hands at 10 and 2. Given the inclement driving conditions, I think this is a mistake.

In the following scene, it is no longer raining. Courtney and intern Shannon are fondling the merchandise at Julep. Courtney proclaims four items “cute” before Tori even arrives. Courtney says, “For Tori’s birthday, I’ve decided I want to take her shopping for, like, the most perfect outfit. Because let’s be honest. I mean, like, who doesn’t want to wear something brand-new and adorable picked out by me for their 30th birthday?” Tori, that’s who. When she shows up, she is pissed. Pissed that intern Shannon is horning in on the action. Pissed that they are shopping for clothes instead of drinking beer. She tells the Bravo camera that she doesn’t want to “play dress-up” and that Shannon should be “tweeting or twating or whatever she’s supposed to be doing.” You know what? I think I like Tori.

The next morning, Courtney brings Tori for a big birthday surprise: botox injections! Performing the procedure at a place called Skintastic is Dr. Jeffrey Adelglass, who looks like he has never missed a meal and who got his medical degree from the Universidad Autónoma de Guadalajara. If Tori was pissed on the shopping excursion, now she’s homicidal. She refuses to even look at Dr. Adelglass, and she asks Courtney, “Did we just meet? Because I’m pretty sure if you knew me, we’d be drinking beer on a patio.” Nonetheless, she gets injected in her forehead, and Courtney gets injected in the corners of her mouth. While Dr. Adelglass’ comely assistant wears a white lab coat, he prefers to do his work in a gray pinstriped suit, jacket and all, like he’s headed to court or something. Perhaps this is the way they do things at the Universidad Autónoma de Guadalajara. “Adelglass! Where is your jacket? Never perform a medical procedure in shirtsleeves! What do you think? This is a farm or something?”

We go from the botox session to a spa. Who knows what day it is? Courtney is not present, just the three besties, Tori, Katie, and Thais. As the ladies’ feet soak, Tori bitches about Courtney. “Courtney’s not even Courtney anymore,” she says, after dropping the bomb that Courtney took her for botox injections for her birthday. “Everything is ‘Oh, this is fab. This is gorge.’ I’m like, ‘Would you talk English?’” Katie and Thais look serious. (The latter, by the way, just started following me on Twitter. Hi, Thais! I totally agree with you, girl. Tori should say something to Courtney about how self-centered she has become.)

Insert transition montage of aerial shots of Dallas. Bravo does these well. They make me want to live in Dallas.

Which brings us to the big fight. To celebrate Tori’s birthday, Courtney has invited her to come watch Courtney’s photo shoot for her blog. A photographer named Casey Curry has secured a hotel room at the Anatole to shoot Courtney. You know he’s good because he’s from Los Angeles. Courtney says the shoot will “elevate my blog to another level.” Reaching this other level requires Courtney to wear a tiara and drink champagne while sitting naked in a hotel bathtub filled with red balloons. No sideboob for those wondering. Casey, from behind his Canon, says, “Great, love it,” in an emotionless monotone that makes me wonder if he really thinks it is great and loves it. Courtney thinks the shoot is “so glamorous.” She drinks champagne out of the bottle in a way that makes me wonder if she really knows what glamorous means.

Then Tori arrives. If she was pissed on the shopping excursion and homicidal at the botox session, she is now in a genocidal murder-hate frenzy. Courtney is between shots and has donned cutoff jean shorts and a T-shirt, but she is still wearing the tiara and she’s drinking champagne out of an old fashioned glass — again. I’m here to tell you that Dr. Adelglass would not approve. That is not the way they drink champagne at the Universidad Autónoma de Guadalajara. Courtney asks Tori, “Why are you pissed off? It’s your birthday.” And it is on! The besties totally get into a fight that, near as I tell, is legit. Courtney calls Tori selfish and explains that while, yes, she is drinking champagne out of an old fashioned glass and sitting naked in a hotel bathtub filled with balloons, this is work. It might not look like work. But it is. “Fashion is always going to be part of my life,” Courtney says. To which Tori says, “This is not fashion. You have on a tiara and red lipstick.” To which Courtney says, “What do you want me to go hang out and drink beers with you at a sports bar because that’s what you like to do and not wear any makeup?” Then she pets herself.

Let me take a break in the action to explain a couple of things. First, when your friend has a birthday, I think you are supposed to do what she wants to do. If your friend wants to drink beers and not wear makeup, you should go drink beers and not wear makeup. I don’t think that’s asking too much. If your friend wants to smoke bath salts and eat the face off a homeless person, no one will blame you if you decline and choose instead to wear a tiara and drink champagne while you sit naked in a hotel bathtub filled balloons. Otherwise, go along with the friend’s wishes.

Second, the reason I say that the fight is legit near as I can tell is because, remember, the girls are loaded up with botox. While they shout at each other, they are wearing the unwrinkled, serene expressions of ladies lounging on the white sand beaches of San Tropez. Thanks, Dr. Adelglass! Still, I think they are, indeed, angry.

The argument grows more heated. The girls talk over each other, and I have a hard time transcribing their words. Tori says that everything Courtney is doing is fake. I do make that out clearly. And that leads Courtney to take this show in a direction I could not have predicted. She says, “This is like a fantasy shoot!” Or “This is, like, a fantasy shoot!” Hard for me to tell. Moving on. She says, “Of course it’s fake! It’s not real! It’s fake because bubbles — you wouldn’t take a bath in balloons! It is fake because there is not water in there, and I’m wearing high heels in a bathtub!”

I never expected Courtney to raise such a deep issue. What is real? It’s a question philosophers have wrestled with for hundreds of years and even physicists have come to appreciate. Does this so-called reality — the bathtub, the balloons, the tiara — even exist independently of our beliefs and perceptions? Or is this world and everything in it just a construct, something Courtney has conjured, along with her blog? She starts to sound like a subjective realist, putting her squarely in George Berkeley’s camp. How can Tori be pissed if everything — including the blog post you are currently reading and even Tori herself — is fake and doesn’t exist? Of course you wouldn’t take a bath in balloons. It’s fake because bubbles. And there is not water in there.

But these ontological issues fly right over Tori’s head. So Courtney pets herself some more and tells her that it is time for her to leave. Tori fires a parting shot about her birthday: “Do me a favor and don’t come. Because you’re an asshole.” For some reason, Bravo bleeps part of the word.

I am left with one thought. Even though the beers and the patio on which she yearns to drink them might be nothing more than a figment of her imagination or even a hologram projected on our cosmological horizon, Tori deserves her birthday wish.

30 comments on “Courtney Loves Dallas Episode 7 Recap

  1. It seems that, like (,) Berkeley, she’s having some issues defending herself against accusations of solipsism.

  2. If Courtney put one hand in a bucket of cold water and the other hand in a bucket of hot water, and if she then put both hands in a bucket of lukewarm water, she wouldn’t be able to pet herself. Even though there is water in there. Because bubbles.

  3. You have precisely captured and summarized many moments of last night’s episode which I found so bewildering! One part that I would like to hear feedback on is why was she so hyper in the hotel room?? Tori even said that. Was she on something? I don’t think it was the cheap champagne that she drank out of the old timey glasses. Also – I don’t understand the point of the fantasy photo shoot. Was this photo shoot a 2014 version of Glamour shots for her shoddy blog? I believe the purpose of a photo shoot is to sell a person, place, product or idea. I have no idea what she was shilling. She was clearly not selling anything I’d like to buy. Also regarding the blog, I read it and I don’t find it impressive. It clearly shows that she just rocks whatever a P.R. person sends her for free. Lastly, those modern day Glamour shots with a LA photographer could have been re-scheduled for a best friend’s birthday party. It was not a once in a life time opportunity like a B.F.F.’s birthday party. She seriously need to get her head out of her a$$.

  4. You’ve hit on Berkeley’s point exactly. If your size depends on how many “Courtney Loves Dallas” recaps you have read, and if you look big when I’m near you after you just read the Episode 7 recap, and you look small when I’m far away and you’ve only read episodes 1 through 6, then size cannot be a quality of Matt Bondurant. And if a primary quality like size varies depending on where I stand and how many recaps you’ve read, then everything I experience is nothing more than my subjective perception. It has no external, independent reality. Because bubbles.

  5. I agree with others – I hope other recaps await us beyong CLD. If nothing else this show is a cautionary tale of what happens when people become famous for no reason and start to take themselves seriously — watching this show is both hilarious and heartbreaking — because not sure what happens when Courtney ends up back at the late shift at Sunglass Hut telling any 20something who will listen about her 15 minutes. . . guess that’s where the time travel powers will come in like super handy. . .

  6. I could not determine if it was the hair-petting or the permanently pointy eyebrows that made me feel so uncomfortable.

  7. I would explain it this way: the word “tumescent” is not part of your ready vocabulary. So you went with “engorged.”

  8. I’m torn between “Because bubbles” and ” the downside for time travelers who take along besties”.

  9. Wow Tim you must be a very bitter person to attack someone for their size, or clothing. It is a shame you do not know anything about the people you slander in your blog. I do know Dr. Adelglass, he has worked in our fine city for a long time and has helped more people than most. Did you know he has built Research Across America to further medical drug research for the entire globe? He has been voted the best place to work in Dallas numerous times. The big guy has been working 60-70 hours a week to improve how people feel and look at Skintastic. Tim I understand you’re just a guy who blogs, but there is no reason to be cruel to someone you do not know based on their size or clothing. Marty

  10. Excellent recap once again! I see Dr A has found himself a new reality show since Big Rich Texas was cancelled. Glad to see he is still gainfully employed. Thanks for clearing up the mystery why the D Magazine building was shown last night. I did something very stupid this morning and watched about 10 minutes of Courtney’s morning show and had to turn it off. She had a dreadful hair style (pony tail sticking horizontal out of the back of her head). Let’s just say Courtney should stick to writing blogs and stay off camera she talks too much and her voice is annoying. Your recaps are the best….

  11. Slander…..I do not think it means what you think it means. Unless……is there a podcast of this blog that I’m missing and obviously need access to, like, yesterday.

  12. I think the screen shots are almost as good as the recaps. This one tops the others, though.

  13. They should hand out an award for this, you are FUNNY as hell. That Courtney chic is what my mom calls a ZERO to the left.

  14. I’m not sure about ‘slander’ either (“Avid Reader”) – but unfortunately, I couldn’t help myself here – and had to agree with “Marty” on this one.

    And it really doesn’t matter if it was Dr. A or some other business person in Dallas – insulting someone like that was just not a requirement to keep this article funny. It was a sad reach to make it more funny at the expense of someone else’s feelings. I mean – this article has “Because Bubbles” – do you really need a lot more than that – ??

    I don’t know all the ‘ins and outs’ of Dr. A and his businesses as Marty seems to – but I do think it’s pretty insensitive to publicly make fun of someone based on weight and appearance. And – in this absurd and ridiculous scenario – Dr. A seems to be the one guy who actually is a very prominent working member and extremely legitimate business in our Dallas community. WTH?

    So yes – maybe not “slander” but definitely unnecessary and overly rude.

    Then – the writer, who clearly is just trying to do what he needs to do to get a laugh out of his audience – goes on to attack the man’s credentials as a physician – and even insinuates that he’s involved in court or legal cases, has no American or ‘degree’ – it’s all rubbish?

    Then, the writer tries to link to something – regarding the ‘medical degree’ (and unsuccessfully – the link is bad??) – maybe he was trying to ‘recover’ and show that the man actually has real credentials. Hmmmm…….

    I agree the article is overall, funny. But – I also felt it was over the top rude to assault the credibility and take a personal jab at a working member of our Dallas community – and insult him personally because of his weight. It was just juvenile, and uncalled for. But the babies seem to think it’s funny, so….

    Hopefully he and those who support this sort of trash can sleep at night knowing the hurt it does to others. And – before you reply that I am acting like an ‘old lady’ or whatever mean shit you can whip up, or that the writer was “just being funny” – keep in mind – you would feel a bit differently if it was done to you.

    Why you ask? Because bubbles.

  15. Great recap. I was personally amused by her use of the word “classy” in relation to drinking straight from the $4 per bottle Andre “champagne”.

  16. I love how high-brow these recaps are getting. So, once Courtney’s solipsistic, 30-minute brain-drain has finished depleting my brain cells, I can come here and use this recap as a primer on intellectual, complicated subjects such as feminism, subjective realism and of course, the merits of sideboob. Always a tough debate, that one.

  17. YOU think you are giddy. I am 50 times more giddy than you could ever be. I am about to Dee in my pants. Super BRAVO with a tad of BRAVURA, 2 snaps and one around the world. While “cancer” makes me cry, the bit about wearing high heels in the bath cracked me the holy hell up. You?

  18. Actually, I was riffing on Bondurant’s “enlarged” and Courtney’s use of “gorge.”

  19. I just have one question, In the article you said that D: The Broadcast is no longer as of November. But according to Courtney’s twitter, plus The Broadcast’s Twitter and KTXD website that show is still very much on with CK as a co-host? Was there a rebranding because I haven’t seen anything of any recent nature that labels it as D: The Broadcast, just The Broadcast? I looked at a recent segment (SAG fashion breakdown). Courtney is terrible. Oy!

  20. Amazing that people spend more than 5 minutes on something that a) they don’t have to and b) they obviously hate. Must be a shotgun to the head holding hostage making the eyes stay on the tv or preventing the fingers from changing the channel

  21. Nah, she’s a perfectly awful writer, as well. She appears to know nothing about fashion, which makes her insistence on blogging about it actually offensive – unless the whole project is meant to be some manner of exercise in irony. Dear LORD, I hope so! Otherwise, she is giving Dallas AND Texas AND women in general a bad name.