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What Makes the Texas Rangers Mascot so Creepy

The horror that is Captain.
The horror that is Captain.

Prompted by yesterday’s introduction of the Chicago Cubs new pants-less mascot, Grant Brisbee over at SB Nation decided to declare the five creepiest mascots in Major League Baseball. The Texas Rangers’ horse-man, Captain, made the list, and Brisbee summed up well just what’s so wrong about this abomination that roams the ballpark:

An unspoken horror of mascots is that their mouths are always agape. Stare at people with your mouth closed, and they’ll feel uncomfortable. Stare at people with your mouth open, and they’ll call the cops. No mascot, though, employs the horrible open mouth to better effect than any other mascot in baseball …

There’s probably a reverse-Godfather┬ácomponent to Rangers Captain freaking me out, too, like he’s going to wake up in bed with Nolan Ryan’s severed head.

But he doesn’t have crazy eyes like the Cowboys’ Rowdy, or disturbingly discolored skin-tones like the Mavericks’ Champ and Mavs Man.

I’m pretty sure Mavs Man is the one I’d least like to find looming at the end of my bed in the middle of the night.

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4 comments on “What Makes the Texas Rangers Mascot so Creepy

  1. Deuce from the Frisco Roughriders is markedly creepy with a noticeably amorphous shape and a mystery in the nature of just what type of creature he is supposed to be.

  2. I’d ask this jerk to spend 1 day working as a professional mascot. Maybe then he’d think twice about ridiculing the job that these performers do.

    He may find Rangers Captain creepy, but there are 1000s of kids that love seeing this mascot at the games, working community events (where I doubt Jason Heid has ever even considered helping out), or weekend after weekend attending little league events and birthday parties.

    As a so-called journalist, one would think Jason Heid might actually consider the effects of his vitriol and refrain from bashing hardworking individuals.

    Not everyone gets to sit around on our butts and write garbage for a living.

  3. I’d like to ask Jason Heid to spend 1 day working as a professional mascot. Maybe then he’d think twice about ridiculing the job that these performers do.

    He may find Rangers Captain creepy, but there are 1000s of kids that love seeing this mascot at the games, working community events (where I doubt Jason Heid has ever even considered helping out), or weekend after weekend attending little league events and birthday parties.

    As a so-called journalist, one would think Jason Heid might actually consider the effects of his vitriol and refrain from bashing hardworking individuals.

    Not everyone gets to sit around on our butts and write garbage for a living.

  4. He goes to charity events and hits on women in relationships because they don’t have a ring on their finger. Now that’s creepy