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Courtney Loves Dallas Episode 5 Recap

CourtneyKerrLast night’s episode was titled “Courtney Loves Love,” pretty much advertising that the show’s producers hate their jobs and can’t believe they went to film school only to wind up making this dreck. And, yes, I’m a bit late in posting the recap, but that’s because I had my yearly dermatological once-over today, which revealed two suspicious moles on my back that had to be surgically removed. As far as you or I or anyone else knows at this point, they could be cancerous. I could be just like Courtney’s mom. Now don’t you feel bad? Anyway, enough about me. Let’s get to recapping.

The show opens with a brunch at Courtney’s friend’s house. All the other girls, including Tori, look like they have come to a friend’s house for brunch. Casual, not a ton of makeup. Courtney, on the other hand, looks like she should be popping out of a padded barrel and waving her arms at a bull. As the girls drink mimosas, Courtney declares her intention to hire an intern. When someone points out that interns sometimes work for free, Courtney says, “Then you have to go through all their school. Like, you have to, like, like, make it official.” Tori says that she doesn’t want Courtney to hire a sorority kid who talks like a valley girl, which is like telling 2 Chainz that you don’t want him to hire a kid who wears necklaces. Then Courtney says she is going to have dinner with Matt Nordgren, and the brunching friends all make faces that are so serious that if you were watching with the sound turned off, you’d guess they were discussing the Holocaust.

We return to Courtney’s apartment, where, without comment, she uses red lipstick to write the following on her bathroom mirror: “It’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” What kind of woman does this to her bathroom mirror? I have an answer. It’s the kind of woman who can prove that absolutely ridiculous and absolutely boring are not mutually exclusive.

There follows a series of interns vying for the gig. Courtney says to the camera, “This intern will have to literally be someone who can do it all. Tell me when my hair’s too big. Tell me when my hair’s not big enough. Tell me when I need more hairspray.” To me, it seems there’s literally more to doing it all. Courtney conducts the interviews in a room of her apartment that looks like a converted closet she painted red. There’s just enough room for her, the applicant, and a desk. Katie is too eager. I don’t know what is wrong with Chelsea. Then comes Matt, an SMU student with a mullet. Courtney offers him a drink. He politely declines. Matt doesn’t get the job because Courtney says she can’t trust herself not to have sex with him. Totally understandable. A girl named Shannon gets the internship after she puts together two outfits from Courtney’s closet in under three minutes. No copy editing test. No googling to find out whether Shannon has ever been busted for kiting checks. She doesn’t even literally tell Courtney whether her hair is too big or not big enough. Just the two outfits. Bam, hired.

Hours elapse. It is now nighttime, and Courtney’s friend Annie shows up with a 12-pack of Michelob Ultra and a bottle of white wine. Annie is friends with Matt Nordgren, too, and she’s there to help get Courtney ready for her big date with Matt Nordgren (always first and last names). Whatever assistance Annie provides (beyond the beer and wine), I am not able to detect. A clock on the kitchen wall says it is 10:30, which is later than I typically prefer to eat dinner.

When Courtney arrives at Private Social, Matt Nordgren is waiting for her. He wears a smartly tailored dark suit, a white dress shirt open at the neck, and a smoldering look in his eyes. Courtney is nervous and knocks a fork to the floor. Matt Nordgren tells her, “I think you’re the mayor of Dallas now.” I would like to see Courtney handle the public-comments part of a Dallas City Council meeting. Sign me up for that. Thrust, parry. Courtney tells Matt Nordgren, “They call you the player of Dallas.” The words “mayor” and “player” rhyme. Matt Nordgren drops a bomb. He’s been “with a woman” for the past year, but now they’ve broken up. “Which, I’m single now,” Matt Nordgren adds, in case there was any confusion. Matt Nordgren tells her, “I feel like I’ve never been able to talk to anybody the same as I did with you.” And Matt Nordgren has her. Courtney is playing with her hair, smiling in a way that indicates there are at least 10 Michelob Ultras back at her apartment.

You know what, though? Matt Nordgren blows it. When Courtney tells Matt Nordgren that he “threw her by the wayside,” he denies that they were ever officially dating. Which, of course, leads to a flashback montage filled with scenes of the two riding horses together, of Courtney meeting Matt Nordgren’s mom, of Matt Nordgren’s hand on Courtney’s thigh, of the two sucking face in a hot tub — the strong suggestion being that Courtney and Matt Nordgren sure looked like they were dating. So why does he deny it? Furthermore, how can Matt Nordgren say he wants to get back together with Courtney if they were never together in the first place?

Matt Nordgren, listen to me. You’re clearly not very smart. So simply memorize the following words. Don’t worry yourself over what they mean. Just say them to Courtney. They will work. Say: “I’m sorry, baby. I don’t know why I broke it off. I didn’t realize how good I had it. The past year has shown me that. I won’t take you for granted again. Do you have any Michelob Ultra?” In like Flynn, man. You’ll be back at her pad in no time. But don’t look in the bathroom, because there’s a crazy message written in lipstick on the mirror.

Courtney begins crying in Private Social. Dinner never arrives. She bolts out of the restaurant. The Bravo producers were prescient enough to set up a camera out on the street so that they could catch her egress. The end.

The whole time, I kept thinking: when we last saw Courtney’s mom, in the previous episode, she was in a drug-fueled, post-surgical haze. Will someone please check on her?

20 comments on “Courtney Loves Dallas Episode 5 Recap

  1. I could barely make it through this episode, clearly the intern was a Bravo set up but still an intern for what? You write like one blog post a day and you have already said you prewrite and schedule them days in advance. What is this person supposed to do all day, plan outfits for awkward dinners where you act crazy? THAT’S YOUR JOB crazy fashion blogger.

    And I was over this Matt stuff the first episode. No one on earth cares about your sexless two month relationship from a year ago. No one! If you don’t just come out and clearly articulate that it was all fake drama for Bravo everyone is safe to believe that you are a crazy person that has no business dating anyone that doesn’t already have the restraining order paperwork printed out.

    Furthermore, I have bad time management, it’s a personal fault of mine, I’m late to things, I feel bad but an hour late is not cute quirky personality trait, it’s you are a rude lying selfish jerk if you don’t have a good excuse like a flat tire and then if you had any decency as a mature adult you would be appoligizing perfusly. It’s not cute in person, it’s not cute on TV, it’s just plain rude. And if it was a weekend social gathering there is absolutely no excuse, you negotiate a time that is reasonable for all parties including wanting to sleep in or handle a hangover or you decline the invitation. It’s fashionably late when it is a large party, not when you are bringing the food, that’s just rude.

    And wash your damn hair girl, like seriously, surely you can write your fashion blog and find time to wash your hair, as a hair haver of almost 31 years I do not find putting shampoo and conditioner in it such a burden that I would rather forgo it then just tell people I am dirty and also added a dirty sock to my head.

    Sorry, probably too much unloading on a fake Bravo show about a completely inconsequential person but why would someone do something like this to themselves?

  2. Hmm.
    Let’s see.
    Perhaps the overwhelming nonsense discourages her from moving towards positive growth. Or, like Lizzie on Blacklist, she makes mistake after mistake and is surrounded by planking bores.
    Maybe she revisits the drama to sort out her nonsense-after all, it doesn’t appear as though the tv show gives a damn to do anything except discourage her issues. Just, like, guessing, you know.

  3. Private Social has been closed for ages. (Possibly clientele like Courtney was a contributing factor?) When the heck was this filmed?

  4. So, just to make sure I understand……..you left the editor post for this? Writing sub-par recaps of a show that you clearly can’t stand, and for which you are clearly not the target audience? Way to further that career!

  5. Wait. It’s worse than that. Not only did I leave the editor post to write recaps of a show I can’t stand and for which I am not the target audience (I assume the target audience is men in prison who are hoping against hope for another sideboob scene like the classic ones in episodes 1 and 2), but I wrote this recap on my vacation! Thank you for the wakeup call about my career. So do you think A.C. Gonzalez will get the city manager job?

  6. I love the idea of Courtney handling the public-comments section of a City Council meeting. Richard Sheridan would have her crying in 30 seconds.

  7. Please, please continue to write about this. Your fans are hungry. This is what we need.

  8. Tim – absolutely another brilliant post. I could care less about your career – as long as you continue to entertain me with these fantastic recaps.

  9. 1. I always imagined your departure had something to do with Bradford’s disaster and Wick strongly suggesting that magazine was ready for a change.
    2. I was thinking A.C. would get the job no matter what, but the DMN’s recent non-committal editorial makes me think that the powers-that-be are wavering on him.

  10. You have been chosen to entertain with your witty snark. It is a career that selects you and a talent to endure.

  11. There is no target audience- women of any age should not be able to relate to her silly “relationship woes”, but I do admire her ability to drink alcohol, which is all the time. The best part of the show is reading your recaps the next day. I laugh because I thought I was the only one thinking those things, especially last week’s grave medical subject matter. Please keep it up… this show wont be on for long anyways.

  12. Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim . You just couldn’t have really believed Matt dated Courtney. You do know that solitary oh so uncomfortably not so romantic final episode was a Bravo put up job right? Courtney knows the truth but didn’t hesitate to throw her former BFF under the bus for the sake of ratings. Nice.