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Courtney Loves Dallas Episode 3 Recap

CourtneyKerrLast night’s episode on Bravo was titled “Courtney Loves NYC.” In it, Courtney and her bestie Tori venture to the Big Apple for Fashion Week — though, from what I can tell, they only stayed for two days, attending just one actual fashion show. Let’s break it down.

We open in Courtney’s apartment, where she makes travel preparations. Courtney says, “This is my first year to go to Fashion Week as, like, a full-time blogger. Last time I went, it was like a vacation. Now it’s legitimate work.” Spoiler alert: if you are expecting that Courtney will do some welding in New York or wait tables or drive a UPS truck, you will be disappointed.

Cut to New York. There are many establishing shots. Courtney and Tori check into their hotel. They both wear the crap out of aviator sunglasses indoors. Ensconced in the room they share, Courtney looks out the window and observes, “It’s hard to get a cab in Dallas. And here they’re freaking everywhere.” This is absolutely true. It would be hard for anyone who has ever been to New York to disagree. New York has more cabs than Dallas. I don’t have any data to back this up. It’s a strictly subjective assessment that I happen to share with Courtney.

There follows an extended unpacking scene in the hotel room. Then Tori proves her bestie-ness. “I don’t want you to be intimidated,” she says. “Because you are amazing at what you do.”

“I know,” Courtney says, opting for honesty over modesty. “And I appreciate your support.”

Tori continues, “I want you to bust out of this, like, Texas bubble and, like, bring it here.” She does not mean that she wants her friend to bring the Texas bubble to New York. She means that she wants Courtney to bring it. I didn’t want there to be any misunderstanding about that.

To attend her first fashion show as a full-time blogger, Courtney chooses a lace-panel shirt dress and red heels. Her semiotic take on the ensemble: “This outfit says I might be from Dallas, but I’m here, and I’m legit.” To me it says: “I got this for free.” But what do I know? I wear orange socks every day so that I don’t have to worry about matching them with my shoes or pants. Tori selects a tight pair of red pants and worries about her “camel toe.”

Courtney and Tori arrive early at a Carmen Marc Valvo fashion show and quickly find the champagne. Courtney says, “I’m just, like, like, totally humbled that I even get to be here.” This misuse of the word “humble” is one of my pet peeves. A performer, for instance, will give an awards acceptance speech and say that he is humbled to receive the honor. No, he is the opposite of humbled. Take away that singer’s success and make him do bar mitvahs to pay the rent. Then he is humbled. What Courtney meant to say was “I’m just, like, like, totally aggrandized to be here.” In any case, Courtney and Tori watch the Carmen Marc Valvo fashion show with expressions of such amazement that you’d think they were making first contact and the alien beings turned out to be talking bears who could succinctly explain quantum gravity. Either that, or they wore expressions of such amazement that you’d think they were seeing the end of The Usual Suspects for the first time. I can’t decide which is funnier.

After the show, Courtney meets Carmen Marc Valvo himself, who has kicked colorectal cancer but still seems to struggle with hyperhidrosis.

Then something wonderful happens. As everyone else leaves and our girls are helping to soak up the last of the champagne, a flamboyantly gay tuxedoed man named Lei Marco, whose accent is so thick that he needs subtitles, approaches Courtney to take issue with her belief that the lace-panel shirt dress says she’s from Dallas but she’s here and she’s legit. Courtney brushes him off, but Tori sticks up for her friend, telling Marco that he is rude. Marco tells Tori that the way she applied her eye makeup is rude. Please, Bravo, give Lei Marco his own show. If you did, I’m sure he would be humbled. I would definitely watch Lei Marco Loves Cleveland. Just picking a city at random. Your call. If Cincinnati works better, that’s fine.

Then we’re back in the hotel room, where the girls are retiring for the night. That’s it. One fashion show. After all that legitimate work, Courtney is pooped. It would seem a perfect opportunity for the girls to shower together, as is their wont. Instead, they order a room service meal of cookies, ice cream, and French fries. The Bravo per diem is humbling.

The next morning, Courtney heads off to a business meeting with the ladies at Bauble Bar. She wears a leather skirt and declares she is “on fire.” She has no trouble catching a cab. She does, however, have trouble opening the glass door at the Bauble Bar office, trying to push rather than pull it open. Or pull rather than push. Whatever. Humbling. I actually felt for her here and thought it was funny. The meeting goes well, and Courtney enters a vague arrangement wherein she will have to pick or design or approve of 64 pieces of jewelry.

Eight hours go unaccounted for.

Courtney returns to the hotel, where Tori is waiting. They again do not shower together.

Then comes the strange part of every episode of Courtney Loves Dallas when Bravo returns from commercial and gives us a 30-second scene before hitting more commercials. In this scene, Courtney and Tori go out for cocktails. They drink said cocktails. Let’s hope the per diem covered them.

In the final scene, we find Courtney back in her Dallas apartment, sitting in bed, pecking away at her laptop, exhausted from the legitimacy of all the work she has done in the cab-rich city of New York. And then — cue dramatic music — Matt Nordgren, the ex, calls. He tells Courtney that he misses her. They agree to meet Wednesday for a talk. As they hang up, Matt throws in an “I love you.” As I was watching this, I said out loud, “Whoa.” No exclamation mark or anything. But I did say it. Again, aloud. What the holy hell is wrong with me?

I have now watched three episodes of Courtney Loves Dallas. You can probably tell from this recap that I have not enjoyed the experience. And yet there I was, 90 minutes into this adventure, whoa-ing. Does this mean I care? It certainly means that I now have information in my head — Courtney’s dating history — taking up space that could be better used to store something more important. Yu Darvish’s stats from last season, the date of my last oil change, the Gettysburg Address, my father’s birthday, the name of that guy, whether I’ve paid my property tax. I came to work this morning and had a conversation with a co-worker about what Matt’s “I love you” meant. She thought it was a garden-variety “I love you,” just a way to wrap up the phone conversation. I disagreed. It sounded to me like a “I love you and want to reacquaint myself with the legit lady parts hidden by your lace-panel shirt dress.” AND SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD FOR ENGAGING IN THIS DEBATE!

This is how it happens. Human beings are hardwired to absorb stories — even when those stories are rot. I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t at all care about whether Matt and Courtney reconnect on Wednesday and wind up sucking each other faces. Because I do. A little. And that’s, like, like, totally humbling.

29 comments on “Courtney Loves Dallas Episode 3 Recap

  1. I’d be lying if i said I wasn’t waiting all day for this post. Thanks for making me chuckle.

  2. Um…how about every “reality” show on tv. I can only imagine (for now…) the glorious and humbling recaps of the other useless shows/people.

  3. Isn’t anyone concerned that Courtney thinks the Statue of Liberty is made of concrete? It is made of copper over an iron framework.

  4. IMO, Matt all of a sudden wants to reacquaint with her because she’s on TV again…Either that or Bravo is trying to trick the viewers in to thinking something is there between them.

  5. IMO, Matt suddenly wants to see her again because she’s on TV. My other speculation is that Bravo is just trying to trick us in to thinking there is something real between them for the ratings.

  6. That 30 second scene is normal for Bravo shows. Some shows like How I Met Your Mother have a small bonus scene at the end. Bravo’s bonus scene is in the middle of commercials about 2/3 the way through.

  7. These make me so happy. Tim, I think you need a recap reality show…a la “Fashion Queens”.

  8. Re: Taxis

    Keep in mind that she live on McKinney Ave where you are far more likely to get run down by the constant flow of horrible taxi drivers than be unable to find one. It’s easier to hail a taxi on McKinney Ave than NYC. I also loved how she acted like she was saving the 4th largest extremely wealthy metro of the US, home to Neiman Marcus and a major apparel trade hub from being a fashion wasteland painfully unaware of NYC fashion trends.

    I get Bravo playing Dallas and Courtney for laughs but she does seem honestly completely unaware of Dallas culture in a way that seems so sad.

  9. i live in miami and trust me you don’t want this guy to have his own show, once when i was celebrating my birthday at a club, he barged into my area and took my glass of champagne out of my hand and chugged it………….he is not that classy, believe me, maybe for TV, but more telemundo than bravo……………… basura!!!!

  10. This is an absolute embarrassment for this City… I would say it is an embarrassment for her, but I am absolutely certain she doesn’t have the depth to understand how much of a fool she is. Why would Bravo go back for seconds of this Mess??? The fact that D would put someone of such little substance in their 10 MB list completely voids any credibility of that FOREVER…. FASHION BLOGGER, sure thing, Sun glass saleswoman was already a stretch intellectually for this fool, and Matt if you had a clue you would be so embarrassed for yourself as well.

  11. She is cute at best. Beautiful???? And then she was on Millionaire Match Maker as a millionaire???? How do you go from selling sun glasses at the mall to a millionaire??? Bravo must pay well.
    No way Matt is going to get back with her. He will choose a “real model”. Bloggers are just young women that could never be models that want to be. Do this women think that women need their help ordering or shopping for clothes???? Those of us who care can put together an outfit. We don’t need to see them in a abandon parking lot looking down at their shoes to help us find our #wiw.

  12. What drives me crazy is she is such a phony and does not act at all like a “friendly southern belle” in person. She is cold and seemingly judgy. I used to live at that awful apt building “the McKinney Uptown” and she would never make eye contact or even acknowledge your presence in the elevator if you held it for her or said hello. I literally said hi, not knowing who she was, 5 times, just as I do with any of my neighbors, and it was like she was deaf. When they were filming this lame show she’d run around the parking garage with 300lb sweaty camera men chasing behind her while she wore a sequin green dress on a Tuesday. She was probably pretending it was Friday night and also pretending that Matt was her boyfriend. Sorry, he has to agree to be in a relationship too…and sounds like she was the only one privy to that info. Also, trust me. There are no millionaires living in that building as she alluded to being on “Millionaire Matchmaker”. Just a bunch of post college douchebags with brand new $45k/yr jobs at some sales or finance company. She doesn’t make anywhere near $1 million and is worse than all the $35k posers she makes fun of. She is one of them. At least they say hi in the elevator.

  13. I lived in that building when it first opened, was the aforementioned elevator still the slowest one in the world and a moving meat locker in the winter? Somehow I think it managed to get colder in the elevator than it was outside in the winter.

  14. I just moved out in August, and it wasn’t slow, but it always either smelled like drunk frat guys or discount pine sol. Awful! And there are always signs posted from some random trying to sell their ikea furniture. Seriously, I paid nearly $2,000 a month to live there and it’s the worst place I’ve ever lived. There are WAY better places in Dallas and you can get more for the money. I honestly chuckle when Courtney acts like it’s the Ritz with a doorman and package delivery. Please. The apartments are dated and the garage has asbestos hanging from the ceiling. Leave it to Bravo to make it shiny!

  15. I agree with others – these recaps are so much the pain of watching the show. It’s clear the real Dallas elite wouldn’t be caught dead on a reality show – because both the Bravo and other shows set in Dallas are cast with mostly wannabe’s (I do like Tara Harper because she does good work and I think just wanted a higher profile for her animal rescue charities). But with poor Courtney — I think she takes herself seriously — when she is mostly just entertainment for being bad good. I went to her blog out of curiosity– and if I had no idea who she is – I’d have thought it was the blog of an avante gaarde drag queen trying to poke fun at so -called fashionistas.

  16. I meant to say these recaps are worth the pain of watching the show — so glad D Magazine is allowing you to write a real recap — even though they kind of perpetuate the myth that is Courtney. . .

  17. I know Dallas is full of $30,000 millionaires and all types of wanna-be’s, but this show is ridiculous. Is Bravo really serious? I lived in Dallas for 25 years and now live in Miami. Dallas is such a great city but Bravo seems intent on making it look like a cow town (did you see the episode of Miami Housewives when Lea Black went to Dallas? It was horrible.) Courtney needs to learn that she is being made fun of.

  18. I agree, but am more amazed that this low-level writing is allowed to be published. It really lessens the magazines credibility.

  19. I’m sure this is really “Lei Marco” and since when does opinion writing lessen credibility? Courtney has a silly “fashion” blog and gives her opinion, yet working at Sunglass Hut hardly gives one the credentials to understand real fashion. The only think ruining Dallas’ credibility is that dumb show and Courtney. Tim is spot on. Many that have met her would agree.

  20. No one of you get it. It’s not about the fashion. It’s about her. Be snotty and rude. Because all of you have a show? She is engaging and an everyday girl. If you don’t like it don’t watch.