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Courtney Loves Dallas Episode 2 Recap

This is the face Courtney makes as she spreads hemorrhoid cream on her midriff to lose weight.
This is the face Courtney makes as she spreads hemorrhoid cream on her midriff to lose weight.

Episode 1 was titled “Courtney Loves Life.” Episode 2, which aired last night, was titled “Courtney Loves Fashion.” Episode 3, I predict, will be titled “Courtney Loves to Shower.” As with the premiere episode, last night’s featured a gratuitous shower scene wherein Courtney brandished her sideboob. More on this in a bit, including the addition of another body to the shower. But here’s what I’m thinking: Most Eligible Dallas begat Courtney Loves Dallas. Courtney Loves Dallas will beget Most Sideboob Dallas. The Bravo producers have identified a star. Let’s dive in:

We pick up where Episode 1 left us, at an occasionless party (save for the fact that a TV show is being taped) on the roof of Sundown. Courtney’s former beau, Matt Nordgren, approaches. They embrace. It appears as if Courtney is standing on painter’s stilts. She looks that much taller than Matt. Matt tells her, “You need to get rid of people who are cancers in your life.” This is ironic, because Matt, in Courtney’s eyes, is cancer. Then Courtney returns to her friends and talks about how Matt broke her heart and how she has never had closure. While she is baring her soul, one of her friends looks at her phone. Courtney concludes: “I can’t believe I wasted this outfit on that,” meaning Matt. I would encourage Courtney to reconsider her policy of wearing an outfit only once, to cut down on waste.

Next, we go to the gym with the worst name in all of Dallas, InCinR8, where Courtney says, “How do you deal with really annoying men? You get a really tight ass and forget about them and move on to new boys.” It was at about this point that my 8-year-old daughter walked into our living room, where I was watching TV, and I had to ask her to leave because I want my daughter to grow up to be a well-adjusted, intelligent woman, and I was worried that viewing this show might rot her brain (or lead her to think that the best way to deal with rejection is to set about changing yourself, beginning with your ass). As we watch Courtney work out, we learn that she is preparing for D Magazine’s “10 Most Beautiful Women in Dallas” photo shoot.

Let’s take a break from the action for a moment to turn a question over in our minds. We recruited Courtney to participate in our 10MB contest in 2012. When she emerged victorious from our online contest, we photographed her and published her picture in our magazine. So is it polite or even appropriate for me to poke fun at her show on this blog? Our interests were at one point aligned. In a sense, the magazine and Courtney worked together (in more than a sense, when it came to D: The Broadcast). Too, our annual 10MB feature isn’t exactly an effort to expose corruption at City Hall or improve race relations or offer a solution for the Cowboys’ horrible secondary defense. What business do I have mounting an intellectual high horse?

There are people within our larger organization who are friends with Courtney. They will bristle at this post, and our office Christmas party tonight will be charged with an added bit of electricity as a result. But none of us at the magazine are here to be polite and protect our friends, especially when those friends parade their sideboobs around on television and say that the best way to deal with annoying men is to get a tight ass.

As for our 10MB gig, I will acknowledge that it is not the highest form of journalism. But you know what it is? Sincere. And beautiful. We attempt to do something almost like magic, take 10 “normal” women and make them look like magazine models. Okay, okay. We also attempt (with great success) to capture a whole bunch of internet traffic during the online voting process. But those pages in the magazine are meant to flatter the woman, to present them in the best light, to delight our readers. I would therefore put our 10MB on a higher plane than whatever it is that the people at Bravo are doing. To me, it looks like they are trying to create the opposite of beauty. As I said in my recap of the first episode, it seems to me that Bravo is trying to make Courtney look bad, in every sense of that phrase. And she is letting them do it, she is jumping into the shower and smearing hemorrhoid cream on herself in a desperate attempt to keep her head above the ever-shifting waters of the internet so that her blog attracts enough traffic to keep the Chardonnay flowing.

In other words, she is fair game. She’s doing her job, and I’m doing mine — for which she should be thankful, because this post will only serve to bring her more attention.

Back to the show. After her intense workout, Courtney repairs to her apartment, where she hops in the shower with her girlfriend. The shower has a shower curtain. Neither woman thinks to use it. There are subtitles. Courtney tells her friend, “I mean, you’re like clean.” Totally.

Apres shower, a guy friend of Courtney’s shows up at her apartment bearing the aforementioned hemorrhoid cream. Courtney explains that there is a “rumor” that if one spreads hemorrhoid cream on oneself, one can watch the pounds magically melt away. Standing in her kitchen, she smears the cream on her midriff and thighs, then adds a layer of Saran Wrap and duct tape, all the while making an ick face because the hemorrhoid cream smells bad. So prepared, she retires for the evening. I can’t imagine she slept well.

The next morning, Courtney gets dressed. Did the cream work? We can say this: her midriff is free of hemorrhoids. Courtney says, “I hate to be vain, but, like, appearance is kind of everything.” Totally. Or kind of totally.

Then it’s off to a breakfast meeting with the woman who runs Bauble Bar. Will their two businesses do business together? Courtney says, “It would be a good team thing.” There is talk of “customer base” and “traffic.”

Time flies. Now Courtney is on a blind date with a guy named Jeff, who is in real estate. They have a grammar discussion about the past tense and past participle of “sing,” a discussion sparked by the revelation that Jeff competed on American Idol, on which he either sang or sung. They aren’t sure. I actually enjoyed this part of the show. But Courtney doesn’t enjoy the date. Jeff is too polite for her taste. “I’m not sure Jeff could throw a girl against a wall and make out with her and pull her hair,” she says, taking us to flashback images of her and Matt Nordgren going at it on Most Eligible Dallas. Wait. Why is she still obsessing about Matt? I was led to believe that she got a really tight ass and forgot about him. So disappointing.

We go to commercial. When we return, she is at her apartment, on the phone, recapping the blind date for a friend. This scene lasts 30 seconds. Then back to commercial. You know how when you’re watching an NFL game and one team scores and they go to commercial, then come back just for the ensuing kickoff before again going to commercial? You know how frustrating that is? This is not like that. Here you say to yourself, “Thank God. More commercials.” And you mean it.

The show ends with Courtney’s 10MB photo shoot. The great Bode Helm is behind the camera. Presciently, he shoots her in a shower at the Joule — though, because this is a D Magazine joint, the sideboob does not make an appearance. Depending on your perspective and orientation, this is either a bad or a good thing.

The end.

41 comments on “Courtney Loves Dallas Episode 2 Recap

  1. This is an excellent review of a show that I won’t watch. Side note: I would have not included the paragraphs about your disagreement with your co-workers and 10MB. it detracts from your point and highlights your defensiveness. Also, it makes the post read like Celeste’s diarrhea posts (i.e. First draft, no editing and past deadline.)

    I appreciate your sarcasm about this show. I think these Dallas-based reality shows are harmful to the image of Dallas.

  2. Socrates once said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Or so my girlfriend told me during my freshman year of college. And if she could be believed back then, when she was still a teenager, then you, Mr. Rogers, are leading a life worth living.

  3. Don’t watch But even the recap is a snooze. (Sorry Tim). No joy, no charm and no depth of character. I think the show “that Girl” with Marlo Thomas set the bar for single women, just saying.

  4. I’ve heard that hemorrhoid cream sold in the U.S. no longer contains the ingredient that tightens skin. The creams sold overseas do, so if Courtney used hemorrhoid cream from this country, she made that face for nothing.

    Anyway, did she really say “past particle” or was that D’s writing? It’s “past participle.”

  5. I don’t beat up on Courtney on principle. I figure there are far worse ways for a 30-something single woman to make a buck. I also can’t honestly say i wouldn’t trade places with her. Real work sucks. Having to fix your own hair sucks. However, I can’t seem to stop being annoyed that she is in her mid-30′s and calls men “boys.” Her friends don’t correct her, either. I know, I know, it says more about me that THIS is the thing that bothers me!! But can someone validate me here anyway? Does any other woman our age say “cute boys?” I find it creepy as hell for some reason.

  6. I agree with your point about shows like this one harming Dallas’ image. Though I suspect its damage might be limited by its small audience (can’t find rating online).

    What you perhaps might not realize, with respect to the paragraphs you would not have included, is that I was writing for two audiences.

  7. I don’t buy any of the 10MB rationalization, and I question the extent to which you yourself do (hence calling it a rationalization), but the rest was great and honest and spot on.

  8. Oh, let’s dig deeper, then. Maybe you can talk me out of my position.

    Why don’t you buy it? Because I was doing my best to be honest, and I don’t think I’ve deluded myself. Yes, 10MB is not the highest calling of our magazine. But we don’t do it cynically. I’ve admitted that the contest is big traffic generator for us. That said, the presentation in the pages of the magazine is first-rate. It’s something the women can be proud of. And I think readers can enjoy it in good conscience. After all, it’s really just a fashion shoot. Only instead of using professional models, we use the ladies who won the contest.

    What’s so wrong with that?

  9. This is the first description I have read/heard that is worthwhile. The fact that you included the word “contest” makes all the difference.

  10. Well, first I’ll note that I like you and am not trying to be a jerk/start a s-storm.

    I would contest the premise that the women chosen are particularly “normal.” They all look like people who you might expect to fare well in a looks contest, and the inherent exclusivity/elitism of looks contests in general is the heart of my gripe. I just don’t see how D picking the Whitney Drolens of the world subverts that model.

    I realize that there many more worthy venues for criticism (to address the “what’s so wrong with that”), but I generally find you to be pretty reasonable, which is why I maybe projected my feeling of minor distaste for this contest onto you.

  11. I want to get the workout she did on the treadmill; the squats, back running, ect. anyone know?

  12. I want the workout she did on the treadmill with the squats, back running ect. anyone know where that is located?

  13. She worked in retail management. Yes, very “cushy.” These girls who claim that primping, getting photos taken of themselves in outfits that no women in her right mind would ever wear (because they don’t match and/or have no aesthetic what so ever), and call it “work” are delusional. The fashion blogging world has become extremely popular, and yes I admit there are a few I browse through but for the most part I find it as a cry for attention. This girl has proclaimed exactly why she’s single. Her idea of reality is extremely skewed.

  14. I just wish more of these women contributed more to society. Not saying all of them don’t because a lot of them do, but I just don’t know how Courtney slipped through other than the fact she was on a dead end tv show, kind of like she is again, now.

  15. Courtney Schmortney. You don’t love Dallas and Dallas doesn’t love you. If you really loved us, you would STFU and get a job. Please, please stop perpetuating the myth that Dallas women are vapid idiots. Please go save babies in the congo or something more noble than what you are doing. Please?

    PS: Dear Bravo, stop enabling her. You need to read the book “Codependent No More.”

  16. You are hilarious. I appreciate the refreshing honesty in this post and I needed a laugh. The reason I find your point of view so comical is because these women are soooooooo not interesting in real life. Boring tv show aside that makes the cast look like brainless bimbos minus the sex appeal- I have tried having a conversation with CKerr and it was painful. She calls it “loud and speaks her mind” but most of Dallas calls it “annoying insecure obnoxious snobbery”. I had taken CLD off of my DVR line up but I am putting it back on just to watch and then read your recap of Ep.3. You are brilliant!

  17. Jeff is one of my best friends etc. They are two complete opposites and Courtney handled it great. As a woman, unsettled crap with an ex is the worst feeling ever. Props to her on going with the flow

  18. Jeff is one of my best friends/ex. They are totally opposite and Courtney handled it famously. He is shy and she tried…props to her. It’s also really hard to get over unsettling crap with an ex. Give her a break

  19. Jeff is one of my best friends/ex and they are polar opposites… Props to Courtney for putting it all out there and trying! Also unsettled things with an ex is absolutely the worst feeling ever…you go girl!

  20. Jeff is one of my best friends/ex and they are polar opposites… Props to Courtney for putting it all out there and trying! Also unsettled things with an ex is absolutely the worst feeling ever…you go girl!

  21. Jeff is one of my best friends/ex and they are polar opposites… Props to Courtney for putting it all out there and trying! Also unsettled things with an ex is absolutely the worst feeling ever…you go girl!

  22. Jeff is one of my best friends/ex and they are polar opposites… Props to Courtney for putting it all out there and trying! Also unsettled things with an ex is absolutely the worst feeling ever…you go girl!

  23. I enjoyed the article but I’m still wondering why they gave this lady a show. I was disgusted by her behavior on Most Eligible blah blah. Why is she always making that pig face? She is the definition of what women should NOT want to be.

  24. Tim – I am so glad you told your 8 year old to leave the room, I was appareled when Courtney said not eating and working out was what she did – way to not promote a healthy lifestyle. Your recaps are spot on.

  25. What’s the over/under for when she starts working at Sunglass Hut again? Put me down for September 2014.

  26. Shouldn’t the title “Courtney Loves Dallas” be changed to “Courtney Can’t Get Over Matt”? Just sayin’.

  27. That asshole Lei Marco was rude a hell. I had never heard of his dumb ass until he appeared on Courtney Loves Dallas. I use to watch Most Eligible Dallas and Courtney was never my favorite person. I actually couldn’t stand her. I see her just a little bit different now and I don’t think that she deserved that. That asshole name LM does not need his own show. For what?