Episode 1 was titled “Courtney Loves Life.” Episode 2, which aired last night, was titled “Courtney Loves Fashion.” Episode 3, I predict, will be titled “Courtney Loves to Shower.” As with the premiere episode, last night’s featured a gratuitous shower scene wherein Courtney brandished her sideboob. More on this in a bit, including the addition of another body to the shower. But here’s what I’m thinking: Most Eligible Dallas begat Courtney Loves Dallas. Courtney Loves Dallas will beget Most Sideboob Dallas. The Bravo producers have identified a star. Let’s dive in:
We pick up where Episode 1 left us, at an occasionless party (save for the fact that a TV show is being taped) on the roof of Sundown. Courtney’s former beau, Matt Nordgren, approaches. They embrace. It appears as if Courtney is standing on painter’s stilts. She looks that much taller than Matt. Matt tells her, “You need to get rid of people who are cancers in your life.” This is ironic, because Matt, in Courtney’s eyes, is cancer. Then Courtney returns to her friends and talks about how Matt broke her heart and how she has never had closure. While she is baring her soul, one of her friends looks at her phone. Courtney concludes: “I can’t believe I wasted this outfit on that,” meaning Matt. I would encourage Courtney to reconsider her policy of wearing an outfit only once, to cut down on waste.
Next, we go to the gym with the worst name in all of Dallas, InCinR8, where Courtney says, “How do you deal with really annoying men? You get a really tight ass and forget about them and move on to new boys.” It was at about this point that my 8-year-old daughter walked into our living room, where I was watching TV, and I had to ask her to leave because I want my daughter to grow up to be a well-adjusted, intelligent woman, and I was worried that viewing this show might rot her brain (or lead her to think that the best way to deal with rejection is to set about changing yourself, beginning with your ass). As we watch Courtney work out, we learn that she is preparing for D Magazine’s “10 Most Beautiful Women in Dallas” photo shoot.
Let’s take a break from the action for a moment to turn a question over in our minds. We recruited Courtney to participate in our 10MB contest in 2012. When she emerged victorious from our online contest, we photographed her and published her picture in our magazine. So is it polite or even appropriate for me to poke fun at her show on this blog? Our interests were at one point aligned. In a sense, the magazine and Courtney worked together (in more than a sense, when it came to D: The Broadcast). Too, our annual 10MB feature isn’t exactly an effort to expose corruption at City Hall or improve race relations or offer a solution for the Cowboys’ horrible secondary defense. What business do I have mounting an intellectual high horse?
There are people within our larger organization who are friends with Courtney. They will bristle at this post, and our office Christmas party tonight will be charged with an added bit of electricity as a result. But none of us at the magazine are here to be polite and protect our friends, especially when those friends parade their sideboobs around on television and say that the best way to deal with annoying men is to get a tight ass.
As for our 10MB gig, I will acknowledge that it is not the highest form of journalism. But you know what it is? Sincere. And beautiful. We attempt to do something almost like magic, take 10 “normal” women and make them look like magazine models. Okay, okay. We also attempt (with great success) to capture a whole bunch of internet traffic during the online voting process. But those pages in the magazine are meant to flatter the woman, to present them in the best light, to delight our readers. I would therefore put our 10MB on a higher plane than whatever it is that the people at Bravo are doing. To me, it looks like they are trying to create the opposite of beauty. As I said in my recap of the first episode, it seems to me that Bravo is trying to make Courtney look bad, in every sense of that phrase. And she is letting them do it, she is jumping into the shower and smearing hemorrhoid cream on herself in a desperate attempt to keep her head above the ever-shifting waters of the internet so that her blog attracts enough traffic to keep the Chardonnay flowing.
In other words, she is fair game. She’s doing her job, and I’m doing mine — for which she should be thankful, because this post will only serve to bring her more attention.
Back to the show. After her intense workout, Courtney repairs to her apartment, where she hops in the shower with her girlfriend. The shower has a shower curtain. Neither woman thinks to use it. There are subtitles. Courtney tells her friend, “I mean, you’re like clean.” Totally.
Apres shower, a guy friend of Courtney’s shows up at her apartment bearing the aforementioned hemorrhoid cream. Courtney explains that there is a “rumor” that if one spreads hemorrhoid cream on oneself, one can watch the pounds magically melt away. Standing in her kitchen, she smears the cream on her midriff and thighs, then adds a layer of Saran Wrap and duct tape, all the while making an ick face because the hemorrhoid cream smells bad. So prepared, she retires for the evening. I can’t imagine she slept well.
The next morning, Courtney gets dressed. Did the cream work? We can say this: her midriff is free of hemorrhoids. Courtney says, “I hate to be vain, but, like, appearance is kind of everything.” Totally. Or kind of totally.
Then it’s off to a breakfast meeting with the woman who runs Bauble Bar. Will their two businesses do business together? Courtney says, “It would be a good team thing.” There is talk of “customer base” and “traffic.”
Time flies. Now Courtney is on a blind date with a guy named Jeff, who is in real estate. They have a grammar discussion about the past tense and past participle of “sing,” a discussion sparked by the revelation that Jeff competed on American Idol, on which he either sang or sung. They aren’t sure. I actually enjoyed this part of the show. But Courtney doesn’t enjoy the date. Jeff is too polite for her taste. “I’m not sure Jeff could throw a girl against a wall and make out with her and pull her hair,” she says, taking us to flashback images of her and Matt Nordgren going at it on Most Eligible Dallas. Wait. Why is she still obsessing about Matt? I was led to believe that she got a really tight ass and forgot about him. So disappointing.
We go to commercial. When we return, she is at her apartment, on the phone, recapping the blind date for a friend. This scene lasts 30 seconds. Then back to commercial. You know how when you’re watching an NFL game and one team scores and they go to commercial, then come back just for the ensuing kickoff before again going to commercial? You know how frustrating that is? This is not like that. Here you say to yourself, “Thank God. More commercials.” And you mean it.
The show ends with Courtney’s 10MB photo shoot. The great Bode Helm is behind the camera. Presciently, he shoots her in a shower at the Joule — though, because this is a D Magazine joint, the sideboob does not make an appearance. Depending on your perspective and orientation, this is either a bad or a good thing.