Did you watch the premiere episode of Courtney Loves Dallas last night? Neither did I. But I did DVR it. And I’ve got power at my house, where I’m hunkered down and where half my trees are lying in an icy heap in my front yard. So I watched it. Here is my recap:
Courtney drinks white wine with her friend in her apartment. What does Courtney wear? A t-shirt. No pants. She and her friend use the word “vagina.” Packages arrive at the apartment. Courtney opens them. They are filled with clothes. Courtney looks at the clothes. Her friend sits on the couch and grows bored. Then they go to dinner. Courtney, who is 30, pretends that she is much older and wiser than the 21-year-old bartender. Courtney and her friend drink some drinks. They dance while sitting down.
The next morning, Courtney is super hung over. She takes a shower. There is gratuitous side boob, which is strange, given that Bravo is a channel for girls and gays. Courtney goes to breakfast at the Q Cafe with three friends, one of whom wears a fedora. While Courtney drinks restorative mimosas, her friends harp on her for being single in a way that suggests the producers have begged them, “Come on guys. Please talk about something interesting. Start an argument or whatever,” and the friends said, “Um, well, Courtney is single. We can harp on her for being single.” There are Matt Nordgren flashbacks. Then breakfast ends.
Back at Courtney’s apartment, a friend brings her some jewelry. They drink white wine. Courtney puts on an outfit so she can have some pictures taken for her blog. She says, “The perfect photo for my blog captures the emotion behind the outfit.” Then she gets ready for a party that Matt Nordgren will attend. Then she goes to the party. It’s at Sundown at Granada. Courtney sits on the balcony with her friends and has some more drinks. Then Matt Nordgren shows up at the party wearing the one black t-shirt he wears on television.
If you’re expecting a Kerr-vs-Nordgren showdown, you’ll be disappointed. There’s not even really a cliffhanger. The last eight minutes of the 30-minute show are nothing but Courtney talking about how nervous she is to see Matt, interspersed with shots of Matt from across the party, wearing a look on his face like he’s trying to figure out where that smell is coming from. Then Bravo runs the minute-long tease trailer for the show. The whole thing feels like the producers needed about 25 additional minutes of decent footage to make the show. I am looking forward to the second episode and to buying a chainsaw so I can cut up my dead trees.