Fort Worth Woman Claims Man She Hired To Remove Her Dog’s Ingrown Toenails Was Not a Vet and Also Stole Her Purse. So much going on here. (Link fixed — sorry.) As far as I can tell, the man accused of the crime, Jeremy Bradbury, had the following credentials: he was wearing scrubs; he was carrying a little bag; he had a blood pressure cuff; he may have introduced himself as a vet. So Gay Penny (great name) might have been a little too trusting. Listen, it happens. Also, the dog, a 3-year-old dachshund/chihuahua mix named Flo Jo (amazing), has one other problem besides ingrown toenails: that dog is, I’m sorry, super fat. Cute, but tubby as all get out. As always, please watch the accompanying video. NBC reporter Scott Gordon has an incredible beat. (He was the man who brought to us last week’s “Confronted By Goats, Fort Worth Woman Calls Police.”)
Rangers Win Game I Actually Caught a Few Minutes Of At A Local Fast-Casual Establishment. It was against the Astros, and I was around for the part where they took the lead. I’m pretty sure. I was half-watching while eating dinner with my son and he was telling me how he got into a fight or something during dodgeball at school, and I’m honestly not sure what happened. He is a — how should I put this? — non-linear storyteller. I should probably talk to a teacher, but he says no adults saw it go down, so I don’t know. Anyway, the Rangers are still a game back for the second wild card spot.
Big Tex 2.0 Is Almost Here. The fact that there is a Big Tex Grief Support Group that has 4,000 likes on Facebook is climbing the charts on my list of reasons why we should burn that thing down every year. You know I’m right. Come on.
Man Tased While Wearing Statue of Liberty Costume Gets Case Dismissed After Unusual Punishment. He had to write that he wouldn’t argue with police 52 times on a blackboard. So, apparently, the case took place in the courtroom of a show David E. Kelley created for CBS in the mid-1990s. That work for you? How about this: so, apparently, the case took place in a Reddit subforum and the punishment was agreed upon by up votes. Huh? Huh? OK, another crack: the judge in the case? You guessed it: Bart Simpson. Hey, we’ve got a great show tonight. Stick around. Kelsey Grammer will be here! No flipping.