Man Leads Police Through Scenic Tour of Garland, Mesquite, East Dallas, and Balch Springs. They finally caught up to him when he crashed in front of a Walmart after about an hour. Then he screamed for a long time after being taken into custody. It all started, from what I can tell, with an attempted traffic stop, heavy emphasis on “attempted,” giant quotes around “stop.” Anyway, the guy kind of looks like when Ryan Gosling wears that creepy mask in Drive. I don’t think it’s actually Ryan Gosling in a mask, but I guess we cannot absolutely discount that possibility. We’d look pretty foolish if it turned out to be Ryan Gosling in a mask, you know? It’s probably not. But it could be.
Rick Perry Discusses Opposition to the Affordable Care Act On CNN’s Crossfire. Who’s he kidding with those glasses?
Dallas Zoo Using Black Lab Puppy To Help Cheetah Cubs Learn To Be Mellow. I’d like to dedicate this hyperlink to my colleague Krista Nightengale. Also, apparently the Dallas Zoo’s sole purpose now is to make the front page of Buzzfeed. And that is … just fine. If that story were any more adorable, they would have published it directly onto a pink sweatshirt being worn by a 4-year-old girl with a side ponytail.
Rangers Lose Game I Did Not Watch, And I Am Certainly Glad I Did Not. Sounds like it was a gut punch. But I did watch The Challenge: Rivals II on MTV. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but oh my gosh, it looks like CT could actually finally win. I know what you’re gonna say: don’t get ahead of yourself, Zac. Remember what happened on the first Rivals. Calm down. And you’re right. I’m trying. That’s why I’m working today with a black Lab. Just trying to be chill.
“Confronted By Goats, Fort Worth Woman Calls Police.” Didn’t even read this story before I decided to include it here based solely on the headline. ALSO, man, the subhead: “Startled homeowner tries to protect tiny palm tree.” But then I did read it. Listen, you know I don’t like to engage in hyperbole, but let me just say that every quote from Sharon Dyer in that story is solid gold. Seriously, those quotes are made of so much gold I think they are running ads for them on FOX News and Glenn Beck’s radio show. You know what’s in Fort Knox? All of the things Sharon Dyer said. Jay-Z is taking those quotes to Jacob the Jeweler to get a new chain made. Gold. All of them. UPDATE: Don’t read the story. Watch the video. Please. I’m asking nicely. THERE IS A REENACTMENT.
Do You Sleep Text? If you answered yes, well, I don’t believe you. Come on. Just apologize for what you said and move on.