Hello, Mayor Rawlings. My name is Zac Crain. You may remember me from such posts making fun of you as this one. And this one. And this one. And this one. Obviously, I might have taken it too far in — right, right and this one. And this one. And this one. And this one. And this one. Anyway, I think you probably know — oh, and this one. And this one. And this one. Is that it? OK. Wait. OK. I think that’s it. What? Yes, and this morning I referred to you as “a third-string Batman villain.” And there was the time in the magazine I tried to order a large meat lover’s pizza from you. The times, excuse me.
I’m not getting the job, am I?
Before you dismiss me out of hand for doing my job, keep in mind a couple of things. If I’m on your staff, there is, like, a 90 percent chance I won’t make fun of you anymore. At least on a blog. I mean, probably. Does Tumblr count? OK, then let’s say “more than likely.” Also, I think it goes without saying that I immediately make your staff basketball team league-championship quality. I do the little things, provide veteran leadership. Also, also: I love high-fives, just like you do.
Here’s my résumé, if you reconsider.