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A Sincere Apology to the Dallas Aboretum and Everyone Who Attended the Poo Live Crew Concert Last Night

What was I thinking? The simple answer is, I wasn’t thinking. And for that, I sincerely apologize to everyone involved.

Last night, I was asked to emcee the Poo Live Crew concert at the Arboretum. Yes, that was the actual name of the band. No, they are not a 2 Live Crew tribute band. Sadly. Because if you know anything about 2 Live Crew’s live performances, which featured sexually uninhibited women performing acts of — well, it’s entertaining to imagine that sort of thing going down at the Arboretum. Maybe that’s what I was thinking about last night when I took the mic. Anyway, Poo Live Crew is a harmless ’90s cover band from Fort Worth that plays hits from the ’60s, ’70s, and ’80s. And the members all wear Evel Knievel costumes. Just go with it.

My job was to make a few announcements, officiate a ’90s costume contest, and then introduce the band. I was told by Wendy, the Arboretum’s helpful and patient PR rep, that I needed to begin by welcoming people to the Martin Rutchik Concert Lawn. Very important to hit that name. Martin Rutchik. Concert Lawn. And, as you know, yesterday we had some rain move through the area around noontime. Though the weather was gorgeous when things got underway at 7:25, the Martin Rutchik Concert Lawn itself was still wet. There were several hundred people in attendance. Those without chairs or tarps to put under their blankets figured to get a bit moist. So I took the mic off its stand and began the evening thusly:

“Hello, Dallas Arboretum! Welcome to the Martin Rutchik Concert Lawn! We had a little rain earlier today, so I caution you all to, you know, watch out for the wet spots.” Momentarily stunned by my own inappropriate double entendre, I paused before adding: “That is a piece of advice that will serve you well in other aspects of your life, too.”

The silence that greeted my impromptu joke was so complete that I could hear the luffing of a mainsail as a boat jibed nearby on White Rock Lake.

So, again, I apologize to everyone. In an effort to make it up to the Arboretum, here’s a plug: the next show is Tuesday, when the M80s will perform. Wear your best ’80s outfit, and you could win a two-night stay at the Stoneleigh, breakfast included. To make good with the concert-goers, I will not emcee that night.