Rick Perry Has a Plan For North Korea

Hey, Chuck -- you got a sec?
“Hey, Chuck — you got a sec?”
"Anything for you, RP."
“Anything for you, RP.”
(muffled) "Fantastic. Now, as you know--"
(muffled) “Fantastic. Now, as you know–”
"Why are you covering your mouth?"
“Why are you covering your mouth?”
"Because I'm saying secret stuff, Chuckwagon. Anyway, as you know, North Korea has declared war on Texas."
“Because I’m saying secret stuff, Chuckwagon. Anyway, as you know, North Korea has declared war on Texas.”
"That seems like a pretty broad take on the situation, Ricky."
“That seems like a pretty broad take on the situation, Ricky.”
"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought *I* was the President of Texas. I didn't realize you had take n my place. I guess I'll collect belt buckles and sudoku books and clear on out."
“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought *I* was the President of Texas. I didn’t realize you had taken my place. I guess I’ll collect my belt buckles and sudoku books and clear on out.”
"OK, OK, fine. Continue."
“OK, OK — fine. Jeez. Continue.”
(muffled) "Anyway, like I was saying. North Korea's got it out for us, Chucktaw. So, what I need is for you to go over there and Delta Force that situation. Or Delta Force 2 or Lone Wolf McQuade. Whatever. It's up to you."
(muffled) “Anyway, like I was saying. North Korea’s got it out for us, Chucktaw. So, what I need is for you to go over there and Delta Force that situation. Or Delta Force 2 or Lone Wolf McQuade. Whatever. It’s up to you.”
"You, uh, know those are just movies, right Ricky? I'm just an actor. I can't go over there and command a strike force."
“You, uh, know those are just movies, right Ricky? I’m just an actor. I can’t go over there and command a strike force.”
"..."
“…”
"Ha, just messing with you. I'm GTG."
“Ha, just messing with you. I’m GTG.”
"GTG?"
“GTG?”
" 'Good to go.' Sorry, just watched Bachelorette last night on Netflix. Trying to work that into my rotation."
” ‘Good to go.’ Sorry, just watched Bachelorette last night on Netflix. Trying to work that into my rotation.”
(muffled) "Ah, ok. I'll put that on my Instant Queue. Anyway, let's meet your team. Fellas?"
(muffled) “Ah, ok. I’ll put that on my Instant Queue. Anyway, let’s meet your team. Fellas?”
"Reporting for duty, sir!"
“Reporting for duty, sir!”
(muffled) "Glenn?"
(muffled) “Glenn?”
"I told you, I'm sick, man."
“I told you, I’m sick, man.”
"GLENN, GET YOUR GEAR ON AND GET UP HERE RIGHT NOW."
“JESUS CARVING A CHRISTMAS TURKEY, GLENN. GET YOUR GEAR ON AND GET UP HERE RIGHT NOW.”
"OK, fine. I'm ready."
“Okkkkkkkkkk, fine. I’m ready.”
"And, of course, you know the last member of the team. Say hi, Griff!"
“And, of course, you know the last member of the team. Say hi, Griff!”
"Hey, guys."
“Hey, guys.”
(muffled) "So, what do you think, Chuckleberry? I'm code-naming you boys The Expendables."
(muffled) “So, what do you think, Chuckleberry? I’m code-naming you boys The Expendables.”
"The what?"
“The what?”
"Simmer down. It's just a name."
“Dang it, Griff — make sure seat backs and tray tables are in an upright and locked position. It’s just a GD name.”
"Anyway, troops, I got to skedaddle. Thor here needs to shake the dew off his lily and I've got my krav maga after that. Sing me out of here, Chuck Stop."
“Anyway, troops, I got to skedaddle. Thor here needs to shake the dew off his lily and I’ve got my krav maga after that. Let’s finish with our theme song, Chuck Stop.”
"It’s cold beer country/110 in the shade/An iced tea won’t cut it/And neither will lemonade/I need a cold Budweiser on a bar stool/And a jukebox by my dear/Singing cold beer country/Cause it’s cold beer country round here"
“It’s cold beer country/110 in the shade/An iced tea won’t cut it/And neither will lemonade/I need a cold Budweiser on a bar stool/And a jukebox by my dear/Singing cold beer country/Cause it’s cold beer country round here!!!!”

12 comments on “Rick Perry Has a Plan For North Korea

  1. I was about to ask what happened to him. Am I late to the party in noticing he’s gone?

  2. Brad no longer works here. He is a good friend still to many in this office. Both for legal and personal reasons, then, we can’t say more. D Magazine has a history of hiring boomerang employees, those who’ve left for their own reasons or ours and then returned to the fold. Brad one day might be such a hire. We wish him well.

  3. Hate to remind you, but you should have hired me. I could have taken the train to work.

  4. Why does Ricky Sue Perry’s face look like a Google Map? Seriously, I have never seen so many extra long lines on one face. Does it come from multiple face lift failures or years of drinking wine in a closet?

  5. Though I often disagreed with his particular slant on the issues, I wish him well also.

  6. Bruce, the way I look at it is D turned me down already, I think I have a right to my opinion about the matter, they have theirs, and I have mine. Surely everyone recognizes the 1st amendment right? I mean, the press should know that better than anyone right?

  7. Lew, your application would have stood a better chance if you didn’t continue to steal our content and try to pass it off as your own.

    http://www.lewpblog.com/2013/04/01/lets-break-down-rangers-schedule-by-promotions/

    http://frontburner.dmagazine.com/2013/04/01/lets-break-down-texas-rangers-schedule-by-promotions/

    Please remove this post, and all posts containing D Magazine content without attribution immediately.

    As you know, this is not the first time I’ve contacted you regarding your theft.

  8. “I think I have a right to my opinion about the matter, they have theirs, and I have mine.”

    That gem alone should at least warrant a second look at Lew’s application.