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A Response From Twin Peaks’ Corporate Counsel

Two weeks ago, after the news hit that Twin Peaks will open a restaurant at Mockingbird Station, I put up a joke post wherein I pretended to have emails that were hacked from Twins Peaks’ corporate HQ. The emails revealed other potentially controversial new locations (Highland Park Village, the lobby of First Baptist, etc.) and the thinking that went into choosing those spots. The next day, a lawyer who works for Twin Peaks sent me an email saying he wanted to discuss the post. On the phone, he told me that the post wasn’t funny, that it was more suited to the Observer than to D Magazine, and, in any case, that it was inaccurate. I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before and probably could have handled his feedback better. But, after telling the lawyer that I wasn’t going to insult him by lecturing him about how satire works, I lectured him about how satire works. As for what material belongs in the Observer and what belongs in D, I told him I’d leave the burgers and boobs to him if he’d leave the editing to me.

Then I said words to the effect of: “You know what surprises me? That we’re having this conversation. You work for a company that is all about having fun and making double entendre jokes about breasts. Rather than bitching at me, if you think someone is actually going to mistakenly believe that Twin Peaks is opening a store in the lobby of First Baptist, why don’t you write a funny letter setting the record straight?” I got that letter on Thursday. We’ve been on deadline, so it has taken me until now to share it. Enjoy:

Dear D Magazine,

Really, you’re hacking into our computer system? Here at Twin Peaks we’re just not feeling the love from you guys. For a magazine known for its glossy plastic surgery ads, we thought you’d be a little more supportive.

Yes, it is true that Twin Peaks is opening in Mockingbird Station. The Station isn’t only for politically correct metros. It attracts people from all nearby neighborhoods — real men wanting made-from-scratch comfort food and 29-degree draft beer. These are the guys that will love our new store as a place to gather and kick back with good friends. And we’re building directly above the “Pretty Kitty”… Seems like the natural location to us!

It was very clever of you to make up a memo from Coby Brooks. He didn’t write this! He’s too busy living in Atlanta with his beautiful Venezuelan wife and running our Twin Peaks La Cima restaurants. We’re sure he has gotten a kick out of it!

If you really want the scoop, plans have just been approved to open a Twin Peaks kiosk at 750 North St. Paul Street #2100… Oh wait, isn’t that D Magazine’s headquarters? Our girls will see you there for a little coffee, tea and “me” time.

Overall, we appreciate you looking out for us, D Magazine. Any press is good press, right? You are more than welcome at our Mockingbird location anytime… We’ll save you a seat at the bar!

Regards,
Twin Peaks Staff

  • Everlasting Phelps

    “that it was more suited to the Observer than to D Magazine,”

    OUCH.

  • D. Shapiro

    “Pretty Kitty” does win the offensive name award. “Real men” like looking at barely legal girls in little clothing and gettin’ drunk. As a real man, I suppose he’s got a point. Plus they have decent pot roast. Trinity Hall has a better chef, though.

  • Brett Moore

    Isn’t that the Denver-based Dallas Observer?

  • BradfordPearson

    So many exclamation points!

  • Glenn Campbell

    So when are you going to post the funny reply?

  • Avid Reader

    When are they going to send the funny letter?

  • Brett Moore

    Somebody get me a PR intern to fire off a funny letter to D Magazine, stat!

  • Marcus

    Glen edges out Avid by a nose at the wire, Photo Finish!

  • Avid Reader

    ^^

  • Anna Merlan

    To belong in the Observer, it would’ve had to be much funnier.

  • DickSully

    Coby Brooks should hang out with C.J. Wilson.

  • Bill Marvel

    Lawyers are never funny. He should have sued D. Now THAT would be funny.

  • Everlasting Phelps

    I have it on good authority that D’s lawyers have moments of wit.

  • Michael Hassett

    Sounds like a Lavin fail to me.

  • Jeff Hayden

    Wouldn’t “29-degree draft beer” have to be licked like a popsicle?

  • Jeff Hayden

    I prefer a Thighner to a Breastaurant.

  • Bill Marvel

    You’re half right.

  • Tim Rogers

    Beer has alcohol in it, which lowers the freezing point.

  • Lew Patton

    Tim, you always get in the middle of things no? Tsk, tsk…

  • billholston

    my favorite lawyer joke: Why did they start using lawyers instead of white mice for medical experiments? There are more of them, the researchers never get attached to them and there’s just some things white mice mice won’t do.

    That said, I love lawyers. Often maligned, but much good gets done in our city by lawyers. very proud of the profession.

  • SkyMasterson

    That is the least funny funny letter I have ever read.

  • Bill Marvel

    Decades ago somebody proposed the Playboy Club rule, and so far as I know it’s still in effect: The quality of food in any establishment is in inverse proportion to the bare skin displayed by the wait staff.

  • Richard Pollak

    PAYBACK IS A BITCH,TIMMY! ONLY YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE A FUNNY MAN
    SEE HOW IT FEELS WHEN YOU’RE CAUGHT WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN
    THINKING THAT YOU’RE JUST JOKING AS I DID WHEN I SENT YOUR THAT EMAIL ABOUT STEVIE DOYLE AND YOU GOT ALL HUFFY UNDER YOUR JOCK STRAP
    RICHARD S POLLAK
    PRESIDENT
    PRESS CLUB OF NORTH TEXAS

  • Richard Pollak

    PAYBACKS A BITCH TIMMY
    NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELINGS LIKE IN MY OPINION TO BE CAUGHT WITH YOUR FUNNY PANTS DOWN BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU’RE FUNNY BUT OTHERS DON’T
    TOO BAD YOU GOT YOUR JOCKSTRAP RUFFLED
    JUST LIKE YOU TRIED TO BE A TOUGH GUY WITH ME WHEN I WROTE ABOUT LITTLE STEVIE DOYLE
    YOU’RE NOT FUNNY BUT IN MY OBSERVATION WE’LL ALL GET A GOOD LAUGH AT U

    RICHARD S POLLAK
    PRESIDENT
    PRESS CLUB OF NORHT TEXAS