Dallas now has its own entry into the Rebecca Black/”It’s Thanksgiving” Wall of Honor. His name is Corbin Corona and, as you can tell by the headline, he’s a clown. Back in October he released his video “Oh My,” which (poorly) name-drops Al Biernat’s:
“I’m out here in the streets all day, lifestyle sh*t I’m talking Al Biernat’s”
Undaunted by the need for talent, Corona forged ahead, releasing a video for “SuperStar” in late December. This week it’s found its way to a variety of blogs, through a well-placed link on Reddit’s “Cringe” page. A YouTube comment sums up the video well: “great. now I have to know you exist.”
To save you all the time of watching the video, I look the liberty of live-blogging my first viewing of it:
:01- Corona rolls up to a house party, in a SmartCar, maybe? It’s 10 p.m., on a Friday. Bottles are popping off.
:04- A cross-eyed little person in a cowboy costume appears in the backseat. This video can now only go in two directions: Lynchian masterpiece, or fratastic bachanal of mildly offensive stereotypes. I’m hoping, for the sake of this piece, it’s the latter.Â (Mind you, this has all happened before the music video credits have disappeared from the screen.)
:07- The little person jumps out of the car, riding a plush horse. The “latter” option appears to be in full-force.
:08- Corona and a gal dressed up as Alice from Alice in Wonderland dance through the Dallas Arboretum’s Chihuly exhibit. Something so gangster has never been experienced before.
:30- Okay, he’s now in a room full of ballerinas, so the Lynchian masterpiece is back on the table. If one of these dancers turns into Man in the Planet, I’m going to stand and clap at my desk,Â then slam a Pabst Blue Ribbon.
1:00- A man in aÂ TeenageÂ Mutant Ninja Turtles hat makes his first appearance. He’s swinging around flaming metal balls. This is a fire marshal’s nightmare, especially with all the tulle from the ballerinas. Corona parties on, hazards be damned.
1:27- A small snake has appeared around Corona’s neck, though I had to pause the video to determine whether it was a snake or his hair. Upon further inspection, Superman is also dancing in the background at this particular moment. No word on whether he and the Ninja Turtles have former some sort of alliance. Also, this now appears to be a costume party, but Corona is underdressed unless he’s going as “man who becomes more and more repellant to women as the night progresses.”
2:07- Superman is wringing out his cape after being thrown into a pool. This is not typical Superman behavior. I expect someone will be punished for this misdeed later in the video.
2:20- We appear to be at the Chinese Lantern Festival, or Corona brought the lanterns to his party. Either way: dragons, lights, and Corona’s now in the pool.
2:24- The cowboy’s back! I forgot about him. I expected him to be a main character in this video, but he slipped away. I’m hoping the final scene of the video is Lil’ John Wayne just slaughtering everyone else at this party.
3:08- Old ladies in the mix! Corona is kissing them delicately on their hands, like a stately prince. I hope for their sake they aren’t Corona’s actual grandmothers, though I suspect they are.
The Greatest Generation has been disappointed yet again, in ways their younger selves couldn’t have possibly imagined.
“I’m a rapper, Memaw.”
“Cut your damn hair.”
3:35- The money’s run out, and our cast of characters has been set. Alice, Lil’ John Wayne, and Chihuly return, only to dance off into Corona’s neon-soaked sunset. I’m going to go bleach my eyeballs.