We wrote about Rick Perry 64 times on this website this year. Wait, we wrote about Rick Perry 64 times this year, and used his name in the post. I’m sure a bunch more slipped in where Zac cloaked the Governor’s appearance. Anyway, that’s more than once a week. You can read all of them here. Thing is: that’s only half as much as we mentioned him in 2011. I guess my point is: Rick Perry is still the governor, and we’ll probably continue to drink from this chardonnay chalice until it’s dry.
In other news, we came up with a list of things to call the Margaret Hunt Hill Bridge, and Zac found out that she doesn’t like being called “Large Marge.” JC Penney went gay, bike lanes became a thing, the City Council approved a boathouse, and we found out George W. Bush spends his days inside, painting dogs, like Howard Hughes or something. Susan G. Komen cut funding to Planned Parenthood, some folks tried to Save Winfrey Point, and Mayor Mike was forgainst the toll road.
Speaking of Mayor Mike, what a year! He had all the black City Councilmembers walk out on him, he fire-bombed us with West Nile repellant (Zac caught up with one of the mosquitos), he got himself a fancy new golf course, planned a JFK assassination commemoration for the oldest people on the planet, and developed three personas (hint: they all love pizza). He also loved high-fives.
In the race for Texas’ open U.S. Senate seat, former mayor Tom Leppert used his hands, and Craig James, in order: promised not to drop out of the race because it would disappoint God; took home 4 percent of the vote in the primary, less than the number of hookers he (allegedly) killed; dropped out of the race, presumably disappointing God; owed a bunch of people a lot of money. Oh and did Craig James Kill Five Hookers at SMU?
In presidential politics, Harold Simmons said Barack Obama was the most dangerous man in the country, and Chuck Norris thought the end times were nigh. After Obama won reelection, a bunch of people wanted to secede and started a social network for Texas secessionists, forcing normal people to petition the White House to not let Texas secede, because we would’ve become North Korea.
Rapid fire: women knitted uteri for Rick Perry, Dwaine Caraway hated sagging pants (but loves popcorn), John Wiley Price did a bunch of things people probably shouldn’t do, DISD hired a new superintendent who was promptly deep-fried for spending a ton of money on a communications head.