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The Observer Has Some Ideas For Our New TV Station, and They Aren’t Half-Bad

Yesterday we announced that we were creating/partnering up for/branding a TV station. The Observer took that as an opportunity to dream up some of our programming, which is a great idea because I considered doing it yesterday then figured they’d probably do it anyway and it would be funnier.

Some of their ideas:

Simek’s Survival: D Magazine Arts Critic Peter Simek becomes an unlikely candidate for wildlife exploration as he is dropped into nature’s depths and forced to fight his way out. Will his delicate aesthetic sensibilities and shiny loafers protect him from rattlesnakes, bear attacks and the sinister world of poisonous plants? Tune in on Tuesdays, at 1:30 p.m., to find out that they won’t.

This, I would watch. Peter’s Long Island upbringing is sure to be an asset when dealing with snakes.

Male Grooming with Mike Mooney: (Running time: 24 seconds.)

I envision some sort of D Moms crossover where Mooney learns the difference between shampoo and conditioner.

Most Beautiful Women vs. Best Doctors: A Real World-Road Rules-style competition reality show, shot on location in exotic locales like Garland and that one parking deck on Main Street that’s always empty.

As long as The Miz is involved.

There’s also one about Wick, which I’ll politely leave alone.

  • PeterS

    Well, I don’t think I’ve worn loafers since Ieaving Long Island, but maybe I should reconsider. The pennies could come in handy when choking-out rattlers. And of course we played this game all day yesterday, though most of the good ideas more or less involved (devolved?) some attempt to re-stage this appearance by Oliver Reed on a British talk show:

  • BHargrove

    Mooney picks up a razor, perspires, gently places it in the medicine cabinet. (WRAP)

  • Anna Merlan

    I can’t believe all the other ones I had about Wick didn’t make it. Man. Not even the Home Alone remake, Joe? Come on.

  • Zac Crain

    Tim tells Mooney Wick is mad at him. We let him sweat it out. I eventually call and talk him off the ledge. Sounds repetitive, but I assure you, it’s entertaining every time.

  • BradfordPearson

    The floor: open

  • Anna Merlan

    I’m gonna defer to Joe’s editorial judgment, as he is both funnier and less mean.

    That email thread was amazing, though.

  • Mark

    It’s really hard to parody folks like the D/FB who parody themselves daily, isn’t it? Anything you people write produces more net intelligence and seriousness than was there to begin with.

    For example, Zac doing his trusty, one and only picture show is like the Thanksgiving uncle who corners the 12-year-old and says, “Hey, lemme show you a trick!” before clumsily producing a quarter from behind the kid’s ear, followed immediately by “Hey, watch this!” before clumsily producing the same quarter from behind the kid’s same ear, followed immediately by “Hey, you ain’t seen nuttin’ yet!” before clumsily producing the same quarter from behind the kid’s same ear, followed immediately by “Wanna see something amazing?!” before clumsily producing the same quarter from behind the kid’s same ear…

    Meanwhile, the 12-year-old, unable to escape, is grimly composing his adult memoir of childhood torture and abuse while the 3-year-olds wandering by clap and clap, bounce randomly off the door facings, and clap and clap and clap.

  • Michael J. Mooney

    This could start as short cut-away programming in Peter’s show, the way The Simpsons started on Tracey Ullman. But then if we ever spin off, there are going to be merchandising arguments, lawsuits, depositions, all sorts of nastiness. Now that I think about it, It’s probably not even worth it.

  • Brett Moore

    Of course, unlike the 12 year old whose parents force him to be polite to his uncle, you have the option of just walking away…

  • Zac Crain

    [wanking motion]