December 2012, Governor of Texas

January 2013, Full-Time Student after watching the Rodney Dangerfield vehicle Back to School on Comedy Central

March 2013, leaves to become soldier of fortune after watching Red Dawn

March 2013, returns to Texas almost immediately, becomes George Strait impersonator, mistakenly sings only Clint Black songs

Summer 2013, tours with Ted Nugent as his crossbow coordinator

November 2012, releases novelty rap single, an extremely late response to Chief Keef’s “I Don’t Like”

January 2014, releases the gangster-chic book Knuckle Sandwich on Timothy Cavendish’s vanity press

March 2014, produces and stars in a series of couples videos with his wife Anita, titled Fed Up!: Our Fight to Save Marriage From Boredom

Summer 2014, this happens

Fall 2014, stars in short-lived Walker,Texas Ranger reboot, as Walker’s new boss, Captain Frank Hahrdass

February 2015, announces intention to run for president

August 2015, loses his place during speech, ad libs with the last two verses of “The Thunder Rolls” by Garth Brooks, announces the termination of his candidacy