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A Plea To the Dallas Mavericks’ P.A. Announcer

I think his name is Brad Heath. That’s who it was last year, and the man I heard behind the mike on Saturday night at the Mavs’ home opener against Charlotte sounded basically the same. But there was something I didn’t notice last season: Heath (or whoever is handling P.A. duties) has a reliance on nicknames that borders on being some sort of personality disorder. Maybe I noticed it so much because O.J. Mayo had such a great game (30 points), which led Heath (or whoever is handling P.A. duties) to keep screaming, “Juice!” Which, okay, fine, Heath (or whoever is handling P.A. duties) pretty much did the same thing with Jason Terry and yelling “Jet” or “the Jet is on the runway” or whatever, and I don’t know why this is different, but it is. I guess I just find the nickname pretty unimaginative (not a big leap, exactly, but more to the point, it already belongs to O.J. Simpson for better or worse).

Anyway. Heath (or whoever is handling P.A. duties) also pretty much only calls Vince Carter “Vinsanity” which, no. No, sir. No, no, no. Can’t take it. No. “Jones checks in for Vinsanity.” NO. No way. Nuh-uh. No. Because 1) Earl Sweatshirt just dropped “feeling as hard as Vince Carter’s cartilage is” in a song and 2) seriously, dude is not doing much “half man, half amazing” things anymore. It’s like making fun of him to his face.

Heath (or whoever is handling P.A. duties) is allowed to call Shawn Marion “Matrix.” Totally fine. But he needs to mix in a Marion once or twice a game. Everyone else: last names, only. Because I swear there was a point on Saturday night when Heath (or whoever is handling P.A. duties) said Vinsanity, Matrix, and Juice in the same sentence, and I think even mixed in another nickname, and I was sitting there waiting for someone to walk on the court with a microphone to announce The Professor from the AND1 tour was checking in.