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Tux Challenge Day 14: An Ill Communication

Antony van Leeuwenhoek called them “wee beasties.” Using microscopes he himself built, the Dutchman was the first to discover bacteria and all manner of other teeny tiny organisms. It is surely one of Van Leeuwenhoek’s discoveries that is right now wreaking havoc in the lower reaches of my gastrointestinal tract. Confined to my house, I’m in the third day of a battle whose outcome remains far from certain. Decorum prevents me from sharing too many details, but I will tell you that great fecal geysers erupt from my bottom with the force and regularity of Old Faithful. I must hold tight to the toilet bowl during these outburts lest I be rocketed into the bathroom ceiling and knocked unconscious. Wait. Have I shared too much?

Per Rule 6.2, I am removing my jacket each time I visit the head. But the ship’s log will note that I am otherwise sailing these seas fully dressed. Thus concludes my report. You’ll understand if I don’t provide a photograph.

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12 comments on “Tux Challenge Day 14: An Ill Communication

  1. Get thee to a physician. You were just in 90+ degree Texas lake water. Who knows what swam into which orafice?

  2. Fine about taking the jacket off — but you’re keeping the cummerbund on through the whole process, right?

  3. I agree with Amy S. Sounds like a Texas Lake Butt Amoeba has shimmied its way into your nether regions.

  4. I think we need a picture of you laid out on the couch in your rumpled tux to prove you’re really wearing it. Otherwise, how do we know you’re not watching TV in your bathrobe? No picture, it didn’t happen.

  5. @RAB: Tim just sent me a pic, and he is indeed all tuxed up. I would post it, but there is a chance that a child may stumble upon it while their parents or older siblings are looking at our blog, and I’m not positive they would recover. He looks like creeping death.

  6. Cycle of life. Kids need to learn about it sooner or later. Plus, if they see Tim, supine in a cheap tux, looking waxy — it will just prep them for seeing gramps laid out in the coffin some day in the future. Post it.

  7. Using my little-known Power of Decree, “Today I’m wearing the purple tie and vest” will henceforth be known as the common euphemism for explosive diarrhea encountered whilst dressed in formal wear.

    Used in a sentence: Those gals in the movie “Bridesmaids” sure were “wearing the purple tie and vest” in that one scene, weren’t they?

    In a movie scene:
    John: Where’s Henry?
    Bob: [frowny face]: He’s wearing the purple tie and vest.
    John: [quizzical look]
    [sound effect: nasty bathroom sounds]
    John: [knowing but slightly grossed-out look]: Ahhh.