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  • Deb

    You should have had J. Hilburn Men’s Custom clothing furnish their new line of customized tuxedos!

  • Avid Reader

    @Tim and @Zac, Hypothetical of the Day….IJS

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Zac Crain

    @Avid Reader: Currently exploring that.

  • Daniel

    You didn’t have the cold, dead eyes of a sociopath. Does that not happen until afternoon?

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Tim Rogers

    @Daniel: Yes, right after lunch, I lose my morning glow, and the dead eyes set in.

  • http://unclebarky.com Ed Bark

    Sigh, Tim Rogers with yet another advertisement for himself. Or if you prefer, Death of a Salesman :<) or :<(

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Zac Crain

    Hey, kettle, it’s pot. Just wanted to let you know you’re black.

  • http://thatdavidhopkins.com David Hopkins

    When Tim Rogers asked “what’s the biggest animal you can kill with your bare hands,” Tim Ryan answered with “let’s all find out together.” Wow. Was that an open invitation to go on a bare-handed animal-killing spree? If so, that’s disturbing and awesome.

    (I could kill a doe with my bare hands.)

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Zac Crain

    @David Hopkins: Tim Ryan’s answer is, by far, the best answer to that question yet.

  • beccalyn

    Tim Ryan is awesome. Main reason I watch Fox in the morning.

  • RAB

    @David:

    You might be able to kill a small fawn with your bare hands, but a full grown doe would most likely kill you (by kicking you to death) — and that presumes, of course, that you could even catch one.

  • http://www.dmagazine.com Michael J. Mooney

    We can’t go down this rabbit hole again.

  • http://www.dmagazine.com Michael J. Mooney

    Also, I’m pretty sure that if someone created a TV show that was nothing but a bare-handed human fighting an animal (different animals and fighters each week, of course), it would be the most popular show in the world. For a while anyway.

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Tim Rogers

    @Ed Bark: Lighten up, Francis.

  • Downtownist

    That facial hair needs its own tuxedo.

  • Daniel

    Giant tortoise. Just lure his head out with some turtle food and then stomp it with your boot.

  • http://thatdavidhopkins.com David Hopkins

    The North American white-tailed doe usually weighs from 88 lbs. to 200 lbs. So if we went with something in the middle (144 lbs.), I have about 40 lbs on this poor creature. Yes, IF I could catch it (baited trap or snare) and IF I attacked it from the side, I’m sure I could kill Bambi’s mom.

    I’m not saying the doe won’t get in a few good, potentially crippling, shots. I’m just saying it will die before I do.

  • Daniel

    People, giant tortoises grow to be as much as 660 pounds; they’re slow, and you can stomp their heads.

    Only challenge would be that they can actually retract their (grotesquely prehistoric looking) heads, or at least I’m guessing they can, and the largest among them have a carriage that places their heads many inches from the ground — those ungainly and slow-witted beasts might require a baseball bat to lick soundly.

    But, shucks of lordy, you could kill a giant tortoise in your tux. Discussion over.

  • Daniel

    Oh, yeah, bare hands only. Well, it might set me to whinnying like a schoolgirl and barking peals of anxious chatter, but I could strangle his terrible, terrible head.

    FIn.

  • Daniel

    Of course, if you you stomped a 600-pounder’s gnarled head with enough zeal and vigor, he might get too dazed to retract it; the gamble here is, if he does retract it, no way could you lure it back out with turtle food now. And a single blow to the head probably would not kill him. You lose.

    But even a 300-pounder would exceed in size any of these mammals we’re entertaining, and his head would be close enough to the earth that I could easily deliver a fatal blow from my boot-heel or even a knee-drop I guess if I practiced a little, which I’ll start.

  • annie

    i am against barehanded animal sport killing but oh my god this comment stream is hilarious. ha! i love it. keep going please!

  • Poodle

    I like that you mentioned you have a dog.

  • http://unclebarky.com Ed Bark

    Will do, Tim. Francis?

  • Frank Wright

    Ed bark doesn’t get the movie reference? OMg.

  • coming this December

    And the next hypothetical questions is…… What would it take for Tim to wear shorts, a sleeveless shirt and flip-flips during the entire month of December? Oh, and a fanny pack, ya’ know, just cause’ (BUT Tim can keep whatever he wants IN the fanny pack.)

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Zac Crain

    @coming this December: I like it, in theory, but I feel like December won’t be quite cold enough, so Tim won’t have to suffer enough. At least, physically. On the other hand, him having to wear that get-up during Christmas, possibly a trip to church, etc., I do enjoy the idea of that.