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Tux Challenge Day 8: No Wife, No Children, No Carousing

Before heading home to walk the dog, I did thankfully manage a beer or two at the Old Monk. Photo by David Hale Smith
Before heading home to walk the dog, I did thankfully manage a beer or two at the Old Monk. Photo by David Hale Smith

Approximately once every two years, the stars align and something magical happens. My wife and children go out of town and leave me to my own devices. For me, in general, this means one thing: unmitigated, unlimited carousing. I put out the call to my peeps and my homeys and my bros, and we go shut down some bars. Or, you know, play some Golden Tee. Truthfully, I’m really only good for a night or two. Then I grow bored with carousing, run out of steam, and begin to miss my wife and children. But for those two nights, boy howdy! Katy bar the door and other folksy expressions!

Except, as it turns out, the Great Tuxedo Challenge of 2012, brought to you by Patron XO Cafe, with special help from Al’s Formal Wear, changed all that. Yesterday morning, I dropped off my family at the airport. At 8:45 that night, sitting at my house, I had a decision to make. I could go to Goodfriend and drink till the taps spit air — or I could stay home and take off the tux. Those are the rules. If I’m out, the tux is on. If I’m in, the thing can come off at a quarter till 9. Carousal or cool comfort? That was my dilemma.

You know how this story ends. Though the stars were aligned, I wound up sitting in my underwear, watching gymnastics.

17 comments on “Tux Challenge Day 8: No Wife, No Children, No Carousing

  1. I dare you to attend the Blondes vs. Brunettes powder puff football game Saturday at the Cotton Bowl for an hour. You do that I’ll take you to the Mansion for drinks.

  2. Tim, I am sure there are many commenters who would love to see you suffer through the month in a tux. I am not one of them. In fact, it’s making me sad. I’m wondering if this contract, or “bet” in the vernacular, had a buy out clause. Is there a way that we can collect enough (bobbleheads, autographed nonsense, shampoo samples) amongst those who are similarly feeling the pain of this long (it’s only the f@(*()+’ing 8th?), long, long dramatization of the tux ordeal. I’m feeling safe to say, you’ve probably broken at least one record, somewhere, if only the amount of Patron XO Cafe one person has consumed over an 8 day period.

  3. @Amy S: You are in the minority, I am sure. In any case, this is a matter of pride. I started this thing, and I plan to finish it.

    Tune in to FOX Channel 4 tomorrow morning at 7:50. The #tuxchallenge will be on TV.

  4. “I wound up sitting in my underwear, watching gymnastics.”

    We need to talk, Tim.

  5. Count me in with @Amy S and @Joy. I’ve really been trying to find the humor in this bit and Iit’s just not happening. No snark or witty comment. It’s just…not funny.

    @Tim Rogers Since you’re so confident that those of us that are over this are in the minority,why don’t you put a poll up? Let the people speak. If it comes out that the unvaleted masses want you to continue, have at it. If the poll favors the other side, take the $$$$ that Patron XO is paying you, donate it to BvB and limit the bet posts to twice a week. Howzaboutit?

  6. @Amy S and @Joy: Everyone knows the conversion rate. “Gymnastics” means “porn” and “underwear” means Randy Travis naked.

  7. Go to home depot and pick up a cheap window unit air conditioner. I think you can get one for less than $150. Your wife isnt around to protest how ugly it is so the time is now. Stick it in your bedroom and crank it down – I promise more tuxedogasms standing in front of it. I had to have a bunch of chemo, which caused early onset menapause, which caused nuclear meltdown hot flashes. Our master BR was the warmest room in the house so my dear husband put a window unit in for me. Best gift ever. The other advice brought to you by chemo is: hairlessness really helps in the heat. Shave it all off.

  8. @TimRogers: Don’t listen to the haters. I’ve gotta’ fever, and the only prescription is more tuxedo.

  9. I think we were all hoping it wouldn’t be so torturous, but more Up. Up defined in a Hudsucker Proxy kind of way. Like juggling. Or lunch at 560. Or skydiving. Yeah, that would be fun to see.

    Now I feel bad, because obviously this is something that requires a great deal of painful effort, and we obviously don’t appreciate the sacrifice you are making. Everyone has their price, even Zac, even you. What would it take? I offer my 5 N’Sync bobblehead dolls and an Aaron Carter autographed Radio Disney t-shirt to the cause. And, as always, my two cents.

    Anyone?

  10. Surprised no one has examined the correlation betwixt Tim’s grumpy hut alcohol fueled tuxedo challenge and his wife’s packing up the kids for her parents house.

  11. Shouldn’t there be a D “Best Of” article in this:

    Best airconditioned ____
    Best ______ to wear a tux into

    Fill in the blanks with burger place, bar, taco restaurant, poker house, pub, pool hall, or arcade, whatever works for you. There has to be room for this in the April or May print edition when we are all getting ready for the impending heat wave.

  12. Does anyone remember the great Icky Twerp. He was a serious news man AND a comic genius. I miss him. Do you?