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Making Deron Williams An Offer He Can’t Refuse, Unless He Refuses It, But I Hope He Doesn’t, But He Might

D Magazine is proud to join forces with the Dallas Mavericks in attempting to woo free agent Deron Williams to come home.   Photo via Newscom
D Magazine is proud to join forces with the Dallas Mavericks in attempting to woo free agent Deron Williams to come home. Photo via Newscom

As you may have heard, Deron Williams — this summer’s No. 1 free agent target, and former star at The Colony — has apparently narrowed down his choices to the Brooklyn Nets and Your Dallas Mavericks. Williams can make more money with the Nets, and presumably win more games in Dallas playing with Dirk Nowitzki. Being a longtime Mavericks fan and semi-professional dealmaker, I spent some time this weekend coming up with a supplemental package to help Williams decide to come home. Pay attention, Deron.

Reduced rent at the duplex where I live. I’ve already worked it out with my leasing company. They are totally cool with it. It’s in Oak Cliff, so it’s close to downtown and the AAC, and I’m generally around to watch your stuff on road trips. It’s upstairs, if that makes a difference. I’d be willing to switch if so.

Rides to games. We’d be neighbors, so it’s no trouble. I’d even be willing to get the struts fixed on the right side of my car so the ride would be smoother.

Free and unlimited access to my iTunes library. I have, like, 8,000 songs. NOTHING TO SNEEZE AT.

My Six Flags Over Texas Commemorative 50th Anniversary Keychain That Doubles As a Flash Drive. It’s on my desk now and it’s full, but I can easily move all of that to the trash. Just say the word (“poppycock”).

A Lengthy Profile By Michael J. Mooney. He made a story about a bowler from Plano go viral. Imagine what he’d do with someone like you. I’d do it myself, but sometimes I get writer’s block, so I start writing about things like bears learning to speak English and curing cancer, just to get myself going, and then I leave it in and somehow it gets published. Mike’s probably a safer bet.

Five (5) Free Anecdotes. I know talking to sportswriters after games can get tiring and you run out of material after awhile. I have lots of choice material you can use. You know that time my grandfather had to pull a rusty pitchfork out of my ankle and I didn’t even go to the hospital and I still can’t believe that? Now it happened to you. You can even use them in the Mooney profile. It’s cool.

Free Subscription to D Magazine And Its Ancillary Publications. Goes without saying.

My Services As Sidekick. You don’t have to put me on the payroll. I have a job. But you need someone to over-laugh at your jokes, pick up the to-go order from Cheesecake Factory, even take a punch at a club (I have a skull like an anvil). I can do those things.

Also: My Services At Nickname Generation. I’m good at it, and, honestly, I’m going to do it anyway. DWill is about as imaginative as a menu in Salt Lake City. Not your fault.

There are a few other items, but this is the bulk of the deal. Good luck getting that from Brooklyn, Deron.

14 comments on “Making Deron Williams An Offer He Can’t Refuse, Unless He Refuses It, But I Hope He Doesn’t, But He Might

  1. Zac, while reading this, I (almost) shed a tear knowing that the sweet innocence displayed in this offer is about to be cruelly crushed.

    Sorry. I wish it wasn’t so.

  2. We just have to be honest with ourselves…

    Deron grew up in the suburbs (The Colony…….ugh) and probably has no interest in leaving real city life behind and coming back to what is essentially a suburban lifestyle.

    If you were a basketball player, with friends in high places (Jay-Z) and had all the money you ever needed and had the choice b/t living in Brooklyn/NYC or Dallas, which would you pick?

    Hopefully, he proves me wrong, but I think this is what it comes down to.

  3. 8,000? I’m currently at 16k +. You either have an old iPod or really like 35 minute Grateful Dead jams. Please say it’s the former.

  4. @Steve: I *had* an old iPod, but it was stolen — for some unknown reason — in a burglary a couple of years ago. Technically, I have something like 20,000 songs on ITunes. But that’s spread over three/four computers. 8,000 is the home joint. If he takes my offer, I am absolutely prepared to take the time and effort to merge them all into one. (By that, I mean the 20 minutes and portable hard drive.)

  5. It might not scale to Dallas quantities, but the food in SLC does not deserve your ripping…

  6. Ben Rodgers (http://twitter.com/BenRogers) of ESPN Radio has been following the D-Will to Dallas story closer than anybody. He just tweeted:

    “About to get a call w/ current scoop. Please standby for a very important confidence meter update. Cannot say more. Will respond only with %”

    “68%”