As you may have heard, Deron Williams — this summer’s No. 1 free agent target, and former star at The Colony — has apparently narrowed down his choices to the Brooklyn Nets and Your Dallas Mavericks. Williams can make more money with the Nets, and presumably win more games in Dallas playing with Dirk Nowitzki. Being a longtime Mavericks fan and semi-professional dealmaker, I spent some time this weekend coming up with a supplemental package to help Williams decide to come home. Pay attention, Deron.
Reduced rent at the duplex where I live. I’ve already worked it out with my leasing company. They are totally cool with it. It’s in Oak Cliff, so it’s close to downtown and the AAC, and I’m generally around to watch your stuff on road trips. It’s upstairs, if that makes a difference. I’d be willing to switch if so.
Rides to games. We’d be neighbors, so it’s no trouble. I’d even be willing to get the struts fixed on the right side of my car so the ride would be smoother.
Free and unlimited access to my iTunes library. I have, like, 8,000 songs. NOTHING TO SNEEZE AT.
My Six Flags Over Texas Commemorative 50th Anniversary Keychain That Doubles As a Flash Drive. It’s on my desk now and it’s full, but I can easily move all of that to the trash. Just say the word (“poppycock”).
A Lengthy Profile By Michael J. Mooney. He made a story about a bowler from Plano go viral. Imagine what he’d do with someone like you. I’d do it myself, but sometimes I get writer’s block, so I start writing about things like bears learning to speak English and curing cancer, just to get myself going, and then I leave it in and somehow it gets published. Mike’s probably a safer bet.
Five (5) Free Anecdotes. I know talking to sportswriters after games can get tiring and you run out of material after awhile. I have lots of choice material you can use. You know that time my grandfather had to pull a rusty pitchfork out of my ankle and I didn’t even go to the hospital and I still can’t believe that? Now it happened to you. You can even use them in the Mooney profile. It’s cool.
Free Subscription to D Magazine And Its Ancillary Publications. Goes without saying.
My Services As Sidekick. You don’t have to put me on the payroll. I have a job. But you need someone to over-laugh at your jokes, pick up the to-go order from Cheesecake Factory, even take a punch at a club (I have a skull like an anvil). I can do those things.
Also: My Services At Nickname Generation. I’m good at it, and, honestly, I’m going to do it anyway. DWill is about as imaginative as a menu in Salt Lake City. Not your fault.
There are a few other items, but this is the bulk of the deal. Good luck getting that from Brooklyn, Deron.