Mr. Joe Tone, editor of the Dallas Observer:
Perhaps you have heard of the Red Bull Soapbox Race. It is a thing. The makers of the energy drink go around the country staging soapbox races. Jumps are involved. And crazy-ass steep bobsled-like turns. You probably should watch some of the videos at that link before you even think about accepting this challenge, because some of that stuff looks dangerous, and I know you’re from out of town.
In any case, the Red Bull Soapbox Race comes through Dallas in September. Registration ends May 1. I hereby officially and actually challenge the Observer staff to a race. Red Bull has agreed to fund the construction of both our rigs (though the actual construction is up to the individual publications).
Are you scared? You look scared.
I bet right now Jim Schutze is reading this and coming up with excuses for why he can’t pilot the Observer rig in a race against me, Tim Rogers. I bet his excuse will have something to do with Detroit and the Texas Institute of Letters (whatever that is).
Be that as it may, I await your response. Good day, sir.
24 comments
You guys really do owe, Tone and Schutze(heck, the whole Observer staff), a bottle each of single malt; because y’alls blog post concerning their rag(and writers) always get the most comments/clicks. It would be a comment ghost town on here…..I can envision the virtual tumbleweeds as I type!
Coating the outside of our soapbox car with issues of Best Doctors and Best Brunch will give us a significant aerodynamic advantage.
Uh, Tim, pssssttttt. you have a bud that is a fabricator and in convoluted kind of truth stretching is part of Wick’s empire, just saying.
Hi Tim. Joe’s unavailable right now. But I did just ask around and confirmed the following: no one has any idea what you’re talking about. Did you email us or something? Pretty sure most of the D mail goes right to the spam folder.
Red Bull. Red Bull. Is that the thing I keep renting My Week with Marilyn from, only to totally not watch it? You can race those things?
Just watch out for Schutze’s hat-cam–it’s his secret weapon.
Actually, it’s his only weapon, because, otherwise, he shoots blanks.
Just asked Krista and she confirmed that, yes, I did in fact explicitly ask Tim to knock it off. Yet another request that he has failed to heed, like “stop wearing sandals in the office” and “quit choosing the second pronunciation on most words.”
Anna: I don’t mean to insult your reporting skills, but it sounds like your office is working on this without you. I say make it the DO staff writers vs. the D staff writers in a journalism Olympics.
Hi Dani. I was joking. Tim’s been emailing Joe about this for weeks. I’m just flattered the D staff can pull themselves out of researching their hard-hitting 287 Best Proctologists issue long enough to challenge us, you know?
@Anna Merlan: It’s 285 proctologists this year. We had to boot one off the list because he is up on disciplinary charges for using more fingers than was strictly necessary. The other proctologist removed himself from the list because he has switched careers and gone into public relations.
Most insults about D’s “Best of” issues are silly. It is their business model, after all. But, Anna, that made me laugh hard. Well done.
I don’t get this rivalry schtick with the Observer. I understand the Dallas News-Dallas Observer rivalry, but you’re a city magazine for gosh sakes, and the Observer maybe takes away a small amount of your restaurant ad revenue and readers.
The rivalry and mostly faux attacks against the Observer seem designed to increase eyeballs because it’s clear that comments (and, therefore, Frontburner eyeballs) are not what they once were.
Sheeeeeeeet… Jim already has his own helmet-cam.
Hey Tim, if the Observer isn’t interested tell the Red Bull folks WRR is poised to go faster than any of you, powdered wigs and all. With a soundtrack like Flight of the Bumblebee you guys would go down.
Tim: Riveting stuff, as always. There’s a reason D has long been the magazine of choice for literally dozens of discerning individuals waiting to have their teeth drilled.
(I have no mechanical ability, you see, so while other people build a racer, I’ll be focusing on our shit-talking activities.)
I’d rather my periodical of choice use a funding model involving “Best Proctologists of Dallas” than one involving “Best under-age kidnapped sex slaves”, you know? Glass houses, Ms. Merlan.
@towski: Pow!
@Adam Hat Maker: This sucks the life force out of me, but I’ll do it anyway. D Magazine does not compete with the Dallas Observer for advertising. As you might imagine, an ad in D is quite a bit more expensive than an ad in the Observer. We have audiences whose overlapping Venn diagram creates a pretty narrow sliver.
Where we do have a rivalry is in the marketplace of ideas. One example: Jim Schutze thinks the problem with Museum Tower only involves rich people and shouldn’t be covered in the Morning News; I think it’s an important issue that concerns every citizen of Dallas.
Quite honestly, if the Observer went out of business tomorrow, it would not improve our bottom line. At least not significantly. Maybe some online ads would migrate to our site. But it wouldn’t be a big financial windfall for us.
It would, however, leave the city poorer. It would eliminate another voice in the conversation. A voice that is sometimes spectacularly wrong. That’s where the rivalry lies.
If I come after you, I won’t be wearing that cam on my hat.
Phoenix, Arizona.
@TimR – very helpful response – I mean that sincerely.
But if you, sir, compete with D.O. for the marketplace of ideas, why were you (I mean Tim Rogers, not your magazine) so non-opinionated during so many key debates in recent years? The tollway is a fine example. I heard plenty of sarcasm or attacks, but not many opinions.
don’t forget that shootze keeps waving around a shotgun. of course I would play a buck fiddy to watch ol’ jim race in his robe
On your marks, get set, go –
It’s the roblet of the year
Tim’s D against Jim’s DO,
In big boxes, at low gear.
Tim’s young and he’s tough
But Jim’s hardly a slouch
While not physically as buff,
He’s unabashedly unrivaled grouch.
Lining up at race start line
(A Red Bull photo moment)
Tim tosses back like fine wine
Future DMag advertisement.
Jim sneers, green robe draped,
Cocked eyebrow, not shotgun.
He’s madman escaped,
His only focus, be number one.
Still working……….
Tim – I’ve seen the Dallas Observer far more often right than spectacularly wrong. I think your qualifier, “sometimes” is a stretch. Since at least 2007, D Magazine is more often spectacularly wrong on big and important issues. We can no longer build and develop our way to greatness via commercial real estate, but you folks have a stake in maintaining the old ways.
@TimR – Hey! I have a hard enough time getting people to shake my hand, with my gangly fingernails and all. Now, there you go trying to blow my cover. Back to your challenge, sir.
Pop! Goes the pistol,
And jumping they start
A race most trophaeal
Of opponent’s heart.
Leading slightly is Tim,
Until they hit the first curve.
When crafty, wild Jim
Into first he does swerve.
Muttering woundikins,
Tim can not relent
(Not noticing, opponent grins)
Swerving off track, both went.
Curses fly, as they try
To aright their machines.
But the race, flies on by,
They’re stuck at the scene.
A little tale of hare v hare -
Along comes the turtle
And puts end to affair.
Steady and slow, requires no hurtle.
And around the last bend
Said turtle, don’tcha know?
It’s true, in the end
The winner, Steve Blow.