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Top 5 Reasons For Texas Rangers Fans to Hate, Hate, Hate the St. Louis Cardinals

So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.

Sun Tzu, predicting a Rangers sweep in the 2011 World Series

Texas Rangers fans, you know yourselves. Now it’s important that you take a moment to come to know the enemy. I’m here to help.

I was born in Springfield, Illinois. There comes a time in the life of every child of central Illinois when he faces a decision that will shape the man that he will become, one which may very well be the single-most important decision in determining his life’s course. He must decide to pledge his heart to one of two Major League Baseball teams. I made the right choice. I chose the Chicago Cubs, and so I’m uniquely qualified to explain just why you should hate their arch-rivals: those smug, self-satisfied Misery-ians known as the St. Louis Cardinals.

Perhaps the very fact that the Redbirds are facing off against your beloved Rangers in the 2011 World Series, starting Wednesday, is enough of a reason. Nevertheless, I want you to understand that there’s so much more to loathe.

1) World Series championships won: 10. That’s second only to the New York Yankees. Who do they think they are, grubbing for another title when your Rangers haven’t even got one to their name? Worse yet, much of the time they seem to stumble backwards into the playoffs, not dominate through 162 games. This year they didn’t even clinch a playoff berth until the final day of the season, and then were only able to make it because the Atlanta Braves suffered a historic collapse in the final month. This is the third time in the past eight seasons that they’ve won the National League pennant. In 2006, the last time, they won it all despite having finished with a win-loss record of 83-79. That’s only two games above a .500 finish. And so I ask you: We’re not supposed to believe they’ve made a deal with the devil?

2) Tony La Russa. He’s their manager. He’s been a big-league skipper for more than 30 years, with the Chicago White Sox and the Oakland Athletics before joining St. Louis in 1996. He’s a vegetarian and he loves animals. He had to fight the shingles earlier this year. And he has a reputation as a brilliant tactician. But not as brilliant as he thinks he is. He likes to shake things up every once in awhile, even when his moves have no discernible impact on the game – like having his pitcher bat eighth. (Bandwagon baseball fans: Pitchers bat in the National League. And they usually bat ninth.) The guy clearly believes he’s smarter than the game, and for that reason, he deserves a comeuppance.

3) “The best fans in baseball.” You’re going to hear Joe Buck and Tim McCarver talk about it on Fox when the games are broadcast from Busch Stadium on Wednesday and Thursday, so you might as well be prepared. They love to claim that St. Louis is the best baseball city in the country, with the best, most knowledgable fans. Hogwash.* Besides, Buck and McCarver’s opinions are hardly unbiased. McCarver spent most of his major league career playing for the Cardinals, helping them to win two World Series in the 1960s. And Buck….well, we’re about to deal with him.

4) Joe Buck. Do you know why Joe Buck has a broadcasting career at all? His father, Jack Buck, was the longtime voice of the Cardinals. That job was then bequeathed to him. Which eventually led Fox to hire him as its lead man on NFL and MLB broadcasts. So not only do you have the Cardinals to thank for having to listen to Buck call the World Series on TV, you can also be assured that his commentary will be biased against your Rangers.

5) Anheuser-Busch. The St. Louis-based brewer owned the Cardinals for many years, and they still have their name on the stadium. Sure, you drink Bud Light. But aren’t you always a little unhappy that you have to? You know where you need to channel that resentment.**

*My apologies to the many members of my extended family, and especially my dearly departed grandfather, who cheer passionately for the Cardinals. I love you all, despite your deep character flaw.

** Yes, maybe I should have saved this slot to make up something bad about Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols instead of an international beer-making corporation that doesn’t even run the team anymore. But I’m holding out hope that Pujols, who is a free agent at the end of the season, might be convinced to sign with Chicago. He is an excellent baseballer, and I don’t want to jinx the Cubs’ chances.

  • kman

    This will be a payback for Bush, we are going to beat your team like a rented mule. lol

  • Proud Cardinals Fan 1


    I agree. I’m embarrassed by the reactions I’m seeing by Card’s fans on this post. We’re not all like that. In fact, I would say (or I thought) MOST aren’t like this.

    Good series nonetheless!

  • George

    As soon as you realize the writer is a Cubs fan, and he chose the Cubs you should quit reading.

  • Myles

    All very true. You made the right choice as a youth.

  • Citizen of Cardinal Nation

    Best of luck to the Ranger team and fans, Cardinal Nation will warmly welcome you and to our town and the Cards will do their best to win their 11th in ’11. Best of luck to the Cubs … next year.

  • Big Silv

    Wow, this writer not only showed his lack of writing skills but also his inability to formulate a logic sequence. You sound upset that your team spends more money than anyone in the division and yet can’t go over .500. Don’t associate yourself Rangers fans or try to live vicariously through them. I like how you leave out how dominant we were in 04 and 05, but then use our record in 06 against us. You then call out one of the most successful managers in history, what baseball teams have you coached; you aren’t even one 8th of the writer that Tony is as a manager. Stop being mad at Joe buck for being successful, sorry you’re bitter that you haven’t accomplished anything in your life.


  • Amy A

    Has anyone notice that many who comment on FB don’t quite recognize satire and/or sarcasm?

    Hey, I am a TOTAL bandwagon Rangers fan. It’s the home team, so I am happy, but I know nothing about the sport. I grew up on Cowboys football, and football is my love. Therefore, I am not going to speak ill of ANY sports fan so as not to jinx the ‘Boys. I need another Super Bowl win before I die. And I turn 40 next year, so, you know, hurry up, guys.

  • Mandy S

    The birds on the bat
    Stir the pride in your heart
    When you love the Cardinals
    No matter their start

    They stumbled at first
    Things looked sorta bleak
    The pundits all said
    ‘Their division is weak’

    By August we worried
    That our season would end
    But the hitting and bullpen
    Were quick on the mend

    The hitters got hot
    The pitchers threw smoke
    The Phillies were first
    And boy did they choke

    Then came the Brewers
    And their big flapping jaws
    Making like “beasts”
    With their big hairy paws

    But their mouths were no match
    For our boys of October
    The Brewers made errors
    And soon it was over

    So now it’s the Rangers
    We hear they’re not bad
    So sorry, Texas,
    You’ll leave our town sad

    With Albert and Yadi
    And Berkman and Matt
    Our hitters will pound you
    And you’ll be so flat

    When the games shift to Texas
    We might win it all
    With pitching and hitting
    And solid baseball

    The trophy we’ll lift
    The parade we’ll attend
    As another Cards season
    Hits its glorious end

    Don’t cry down in Texas
    It could be much worse
    You could be the Cubs
    Who deal with the curse

    Of losing so much
    They don’t know how to win
    At least you reached the fall classic
    At least you got in

  • Dickie H.

    Cubs fucking suck, end of story.

  • Strength over stupid

    As we just saw in Game 3. The rangers fans are douchebags and throwing them on the field.

  • Cindy Wolkis

    You forgot that damn Rally Squirrel they went nuts about. We have ways of dealing with rodents in Texas. Rally Roadkill anyone?

  • joey

    Sounds like a typical loser Cubs fan.

  • CW

    Obviously, the person writing this article has no clue about Tim McCarver’s supposed bias to the Cardinals. While he did play here, he hates the Cardinals because they traded him away in 69-70. Joe Buck, while from St. Louis, has no allegiance here either. If you listen to the broadcast, I would say that they lean much more toward the Rangers than the Cardinals.

  • CardsFan4Life

    I’m not sure how to comment on all of this. I find it odd that its a bias cubs fan trying to encourage hatred on the Cardinals to the Rangers fans. Here is what it comes down to… Both ball clubs are great. I’ve read some of the comments (intelligent ones) and realize that the hatred it was trying to inspire, only showed how respectable Cardinals fans and Rangers fans are to one another. I am a Cardinals fan, but still admire the talent that Texas has and appreciate a great series between 2 teams that belong in the World Series. Not too mention, great fans (loud too!). Texas, good luck in the series. St. Louis is proud to play a respectable ball club, talented team, with great fans. And one last thing, who would write such a statement as hating the cardinals because the manager has a medical condition?!!! REALLY? Why do we even have to justify all of these reasons with horrible comments like that from the writer. Comments like that only inspire “hate, hate, hate” to the writer. Good Luck Cardinals and Rangers.

  • dennis

    CardsFan4Life – great response – dead on!

    Life long Cards fan who respects the Rangers

  • John

    Thanks Cardinals for Joe Buck………..NOT!

  • Serp

    I am a basketball fan but was forced to watch the World Series this year since my hometown team won the AL Pennant.

    I usually reserve this gut-wrenching heartache for my dear Maverick’s; however, that is impossible right now. I don’t really understand the grudge against the St Louis Cardinals. They have a beautiful ballpark (saw it in May when my favorite band in the whole world visited STL for their final American show). AND they have very dedicated fans who love baseball. AND yes, the team and management seems to be very talented. I guess I am just a noob to all this baseball stuff!

    Like someone pointed out in a previous comment, some Rangers fans (like me) are fair-weather fans who don’t know many of the rules, but we still feel compelled to root for our local team. Don’t hold the rookie knowledge against us, though, because we are just so happy to be in the World Series for a second time, and coming off that huge NBA WIN against Miami in June, we are ready for another World VICTORY–goodness knows the Cowboys aren’t doing it for us!

    Tonight’s game was the best baseball game I’ve ever seen! But good luck to both teams! May the best team win! (Go Rangers!) 😛

  • Cubhatta

    Wow, ur an idiot Cubs have the worst fans, shrowing beer on Shane Victorino and getting hauled away drunk and in hand-cuffs and when you guys lose you blame your fans. Face it ur a loser, a born loser. The cubs suck and we won #11 only 9 more for you pathetic baby bears. Only thing I hate more than the Shitcago cubs is Scrub I mean Cub fans. Choke cubs choke what a joke hey Chicago have no fear therell be more games to lose next year.

  • Carl

    I used to listen to the cardinals with my dad back in the 60’s. I went to a few games at the old stadium. Then Gussie Busch fired Harry Carrey and I stopped listening to the games. Nobody could put feeling into a baseball game like Harry Carrey did.

  • Cubs Suck

    Well, this writer isn’t even a true researcher. Got the numbers wrong about 2006. They played 161 games, finishing at 83-78. Big whoop, the rainout wasn’t replayed. However, “backing into the playoffs” another messed up research, as they were the top team in the MLB in 2004 with 105 wins, and won 100 in 2005- yeah, that’s backing into them, isn’t it? Figures a Cubs fan who hasn’t even been to the world series since the supposed goat curse of 1945, and hasn’t won it since 1908 would do lousy research, and write a fairly lame article. Well, we know the Rangers suck, Cards won their 11th off Tsucks.