7:59 a.m. I awake, and notice I still have clothes on and WFAA is on. Shon Gables said there’s fog. So this is how it ends?
8:05 a.m. The nice southern girl in me wonders if I should bring something, a covered dish. “Hello, Jesus. I brought you a Tuna Noodle Casserole.” Wait – what if Jesus is vegan? Hah. No. That won’t happen. As long as there’s a thing called bacon, Jesus won’t be a vegan. Oh wait. He’s Jewish. Crap. Circling back to the vegan thing. Googling “vegan crap” now.
8:07 a.m. Oh crap. There’s Monika Diaz, reporting something about roofs being blown off. I should’ve paid more attention to Kirk Cameron. Is that how God extracts us – peeling off the roofs? Sidebar: Should I actually take the TV off of mute? It’s adorable that Colleen Coyle is going to go ahead and give us a seven-day weather forecast. Ah. Mystery solved. Temps in the high 80s and low 90s and humid. Dallas + end of May = Hell.
8:10 a.m. There’s a river and a bunch of boats. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
8:11 a.m. Guns on campus. Oh man, this Rapture is actually a thing that is happening. How come WFAA’s b-roll of the state lege always shows Sherman State Rep. Larry Phillips?
8:12 a.m. Man, Shon Gables is looking pretty smart for not going back to Detroit to take care of that warrant. Hearing postponed on account of Rapture. Also, what’s AP style for the rapture. The Rapture? The rapture? ThE rApTuRe?
8:15 a.m. Oh man. Traffic report. NOBODY’S ON THE ROAD. There’s one semi going really slow, so clearly its driver was raptured.
8:20 a.m. Does post-Rapture Dallas look more like Wall-E or Shaun of the Dead? Also, I kind of hope someone over at Whataburger throws some taquitos on the fryer just as the Rapture happens. If I don’t go up, I am totally gonna walk in and snag them. Because who is gonna stop me? Plus, if I’m not called up, I’ll probably feel like acting out like that anyway. So by my math, Rapture + Whataburger = Free Taquitos.
8:21 a.m. Whisky Tango Foxtrot. They said it’s supposed to be at 6 p.m. Why am I up so early? Screw this. I’ll be back at 6. Maybe.
Update: 9:42 p.m. Either I’m way too sinful, or this was the worst rapture ever. Fox News called it around 5:30, saying the rapture was a fail. I mean, I sat on my couch all day, even contemplating an adult diaper so if the Lord called me, I wouldn’t be on the can, you know, when he did. So if you’re still out there, roll call. Although I’m certain some of you, if there were a rapture, are undoubtedly judging comments and blog posts from a much loftier abode these days.
As for me, I have this mental vision of Harold Camping furiously scouring the Internet for some kind of proof that he was right, even a little bit.
13 comments
*lmao*
An Irishman’s Take on the Rapture – http://chriswrites.net/2011/05/20/rapture-this/
Lol sooooo I confused … Is suppose to be rapture or zombieland??? Either way this day wil suck!!!
I’m listening to Christian soft rock on the PA at Saxbys Coffee in Addison while I wait for my wife’s car to get fixed at a nearby garage. The world can’t end soon enough. (Here’s a theological question for you: committing suicide is a sin. But what if the world is going to end in a few hours? Is killing yourself still wrong?)
Does anyone know if it’s supposed to happen before The Preakness? Should I “bet the ranch,” in case I don’t get swooped up?
The rapture has apparently taken macys.com.
So, we’re meeting at Whataburger at 6.15-ish? I had been thinking of hitting Best Buy or an Apple Store as soon as the first unmanned cars came to a stop, but taquitos are a must have, too. Of course, I should check with my felow heathen “left-behinders” who are hosting the Parrothead party, and make sure they aren’t grilling, first.
Harold Camping, the 89 year-old originator of this prophesy, says it’s happening at 6 p.m. all over the world. Either he misunderstands the world’s timekeeping system, or like New Year’s, it happens by timezone.
But in either case, FoxNews says it’s a bust. So, sadly, no free taquitos.
I was raptured early(reserved a room months ago) and let me tell you Heaven is simply divine(pun intended). Jimmy is jamming on the Strat and Janis is rocking the vocals. Oh damn, Randy Savage is handing out Slim Jims to everybody! Hurry up guys because rumor has it that Richard Pryor and George Carlin are performing live tonight(a double bill) can you believe it! Hope to see some of you there!
Hello……is anyone out there?
Brains I want brainsssssss!!!!
This sucks! You mean I still have to find a way of getting out of going to church? Damn, I was really counting on this whole Rapture, Apocalyptic crap so I could sleep in this Sunday!
Crap. Back to work.