You are approached by a man — for expediency and clarity, I shall hereafter refer to this man as LaMetrius — who says that he can promise you that the temperature outside will never be greater than 75 degrees and will never be lower than 42. LaMetrius further stipulates that there will only be a few scattered (but mostly unobtrusive) clouds, and the humidity will similarly be negligible. Plus, LaMetrius says, there will always be a light breeze.
Of course, LaMetrius smiles, there are some conditions. Three conditions.
- Once a day, you have to listen to Santana’s 2010 album Guitar Heaven in its entirety. You must do this between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. with a minimum of 10 people in the vicinity. You cannot use headphones. You must play air guitar to no fewer than five of the tracks in full, and every guitar solo.
- Twice a week, to keep the meteorological conditions as they are, you have to press a button. The location of the button changes, but to get to it, you have to drive on at least two of the major highways, and the button can only be pushed between 4 and 6 p.m.
- Once a month, without warning, you will be taken from wherever you are and whatever you are doing, and placed in a small broom closet. It is big enough for two people. You and State Rep. Leo Berman. For an hour, you have to talk politics. Sub-conditions: You have to be honest, and he is allowed, and encouraged, to use a megaphone.
Do you do accept LaMetrius’ offer?
15 comments
For the purposes of this exercise, Los Angeles does not exist.
I was going to say no until you promised that if I said yes LA would no longer exist.
Does LaMetrius look like Greg Fields or Pete Delkus?
Nope. I would rather take 105 degrees and 98% humidity everyday of my life than listen to Berman for two minutes.
Heck no. Summer weather in Dallas keeps the riff-raff away. You’ve gotta have character to stay in Dallas for the summer.
No way, my wife would wear sweatshirts and complain how cold it is year round.
This was almost a clever exercise.
Why “LaMetrius?” Would a gentleman with a made-up-sounding African-American name be apt to offer such a strange bargain? Why not “Skip?” Or “Tim?” Are you referring to the “met-” in “meteorology”? ‘Cause it would be cool if you gave it that much thought.
And I wonder what “LaMetrius” looks like. Describe him. Is he a genie? Or a dude dressed in all black? Or just some guy in street clothes? Hypothetical or no, I expect some real creativity.
I lastly question by what means “LaMetrius” accomplishes this climate-altering feat. Does he shift the Earth’s axis, thereby moving Dallas to a more tropical latitude? Or is there a giant HVAC unit hooked up to a bubble installed over the metroplex? Or do we simply invite some of the frigid personalities in abundance above the Mason-Dixon line to move to town? I imagine it’s something far-fetched, but not so much that it’s impossible. After all–a hypothetical is useless if the means by which it takes place are not within the realm of what’s feasible in three-dimensional space + time.
I’ve seen better from you, Zac. Get back to us on this.
PS – If I didn’t know better, I’d say all you wanted was an opportunity to take a swipe at Leo Berman. And were that true, it would make me sad.
No. I want some days to be warmer than 75 and colder than 42. I want snow and rain. But if I can use my Guitar Hero guitar in place of an air guitar I may reconsider.
Fine, I’ll play by your rules, BLP.
Here’s a new hypothetical: A guy dressed almost exactly like the genie from Aladdin — it’s a close facsimile, but there are a few wrong details — promises that he will pay your air conditioning bill all summer. You can keep it as cool as you like. You can run it with the doors and windows open. Whatever you want. This man, who goes by the name A. Man so as not to offend anyone, has unlimited wealth thanks to a distant relative who invented, among other things, call waiting, Formica, Cheetos, and romantic love. Thanks to his means, he is willing to even go so far as to pay the A/C bill at anywhere you happen to be, just so you can keep the temperature to your liking everywhere.
In return, all you have to do is not be a self-righteous know-it-all in the comments section of a local blog that entire time. Is this HYPOTHETICALLY possible?
Hypothetically, yes.
@Zac, your new hypothetical is impossible. Everyone knows that romantic love does not pay. Also, Cheetos were not invented, they were discovered. Like electricity, gravity, and the sport of Kronum.
@Wes Mantooth: God bless you.
Condition one is not getting the attention it deserves. The others are doable. But the same songs over and over will murder your brain (especially if they’re awful, of course). Remember Madonna’s “Make My Video” contest? An entire day of “True Blue” back to back on MTV. No? You’re welcome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBREXuIdpEw
What about wind. 75 is great and all but if there’s a 20 mph wind blowing it’s worthless. Keep the wind 5 to 10 and I’m in. Can I makeout with Leo instead of talk politics?
@fruitdog: Light breeze. You’re golden. And you can do whatever you want with Leo.