Find a back issue

Leading Off (4/20/11)

Mavericks Beat Trail Blazers, 101-89. Dirk Nowitzki led the way with 33, Peja Stojakovic hit five three-pointers, and the Mavs didn’t turn the ball over once in the last 28 minutes. They’re up 2-0. Scouting report as the series heads to Portland? Shell art is OVER.

Mark Cuban May Sell Landmark Theatres and Magnolia Pictures. The former star of The Benefactor says he’s “just testing the waters” and won’t sell unless the offer is “very, very compelling.” Compelling. Got it. Mark, I will give you: my three-DVD set of Breakin‘, Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Beat Street; 30 solid minutes of pretending to care about Ice Rocket; unlimited high fives (or handshakes, if you are feeling less active); my in-depth interpretation of the television series Lost; 20 minutes to flip through my GOOD IDEAS notebook; five solid to extremely solid alibis; and the smiting of one enemy. You can drop off the keys at the front desk.

Dallas Cowboys Get Schedule For Imaginary Games. Since no one is playing football for the foreseeable future, the NFL schedule makers had some fun. The schedule the Cowboys got, for instance, has them playing home games against the prisoners team from The Longest Yard (the remake, not the original) and an MTV Rock N Jock all-star squad being put together by Dan Cortese and Bill Bellamy.

  • Amy S

    20 minutes seems a bit long….

  • Ozone & Turbo

    Thank you for keeping us relevant.

    That is all.

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Zac Crain

    @Amy S: I’m being generous, I know, but it’s not like I’m giving him access to the GREAT IDEAS journal.

  • Amy S

    OK, great plan. I suppose Washington gets to play Trump’s Apprentices.

  • http://www.twitter.com/dmburrows DMBurrows

    Zac, I see your offer and raise it by 100 chili hot dogs from 7-11.

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Zac Crain

    OK, fine. A bidding war it is then. I see the chili dogs, begrudgingly, and raise you three weekly anecdotes that start off really great but sort of get lost in the details around the middle; unlimited fist bumps; matching jean jackets; two parking validation slips for SMU parking garages; and a producing credit on Drinking Drinks with….

  • Amy S

    None of these items have any value on Ebay. I can throw down two empty bottles of Louis XIII cognac, which apparently are worth $69.99 EACH in the open market.

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Zac Crain

    @Amy S: Don’t look on eBay. Look in your heart. You will find what I have offered is PRICELESS.

  • Amy S

    Bet you say that to all the girls.

  • RAB

    Zac:

    How much would you charge just to sell one of the matching jean jackets, plus a night that we could wear them together, say, at that bar on Katy Trail?

  • Wes Mantooth

    You need to bedazzle those jean jackets for them to have any real value. I suggest “Disco Stu” in rhinestones, although as we all know, Disco Stu doesn’t need to advertise.

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Zac Crain

    @Wes Mantooth: That’s a given.

  • Fruitdog

    20 minutes with your GOOD IDEAS notebook? Why would he need time to read it twice?
    :iceburn:

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Zac Crain

    @Fruitdog: Well played. And true. It’s just a giant flipbook of me raising one middle finger, and then the other.

  • Whisky Tango Foxtrot

    Zac’s Good Ideas, Page One:

    1) Run for Mayor
    2) Write Best Seller about Dallas Heavy Metal Guitarist
    3) Beat Up Mario Tarradell
    4) Grow Hair Out
    5) Grow Beard
    6) Reopen Free Darko
    7) Create @FakeTimmyTyper Account

  • Amy S

    In regards to the imaginary games, I’ve wasted a great deal of my procrastination time (wherein I sit in front of a giant Excel spreadsheet appearing to perform accounting related duties) thinking up more matches besides the one mentioned above (Trump’s Apprentices face off against Washington).

    Charlie’s Goddesses vs. the Rams
    Deadliest Catch Crew go to Tampa Bay
    Tea Baggers hit the Patriots
    Leppert’s Hands gets him some Oiler’$

    Sigh, back to work.

  • http://frontburner.dmagazine.com Zac Crain

    @Amy S: The following teams also make an appearance on the new NFL schedule:

    Los Angeles Stallions
    Washington Sentinels
    Texas State University Fightin’ Armadillos
    and the 1975 Notre Dame Fighting Irish

  • http://www.sevys.com Amy S

    @Zac: I think to appropriately honor your brilliance we will have to pour complimentary Chopin Rye Vodka martinis from 5-7 today down at the Grill.