Articles for December, 2010

Best Gift Books for Giving

Over on that Commie liberal site NPR.org, sometime D Magazine contributor (and Spirit exec ed) John McAlley runs down his choices for the best books for gift-giving purposes. When he’s sober, John makes good choices. Check it out.

How About [Naming] Them Cowboys?

To celebrate the Cowboys’ 50th anniversary, players from each decade were brought onto the field during halftime of yesterday’s loss to the Eagles. But the players were introduced as groups — “the Cowboys of the 1990s,” etc. — instead of as individuals. (The Ring of Honor players were later ID’d individually.) Those of us in the stands were left to identify the rest on our own, in the 10 seconds or so that each group appeared on the Jerryvision.

The 2000s group was only three players. Of course, everyone is going to recognize Dat Nguyen, and I know one of the others was Dexter Coakley. But the name of the third guy escaped me.

In the ’90s herd, I was able to identify Chad Hennings and a much slimmer Nate Newton. From the ’80s, I spotted Randy White. Roger Staubach stood out among the ’70s players, but I didn’t have a clue about those from the ’60s.

Would it have been so hard to have the PA announcer read their names, or at least scroll them across the Jerryvision screen?

David Sedaris And His Dallas Tip Jar

He put one out as a joke when he was signing books on tour, and in Dallas he collected $530.

Leading Off (12/13/10)

1. Did Tony Romo save Army Staff Sgt. Brian Redding’s life, or did these events play out with some Guillermo Arriaga-style fateful happenstance? The soldier bet a dollar that the Cowboys would beat the Colts, which he won. Then he dropped that dollar, and when he went bent over to pick up the bill, he inadvertently dodged a bullet. You decide.

2. I don’t really have the energy to get all excited about First Baptist pastor Robert Jeffress’ Grinch Alert website. To me, it just feels tacky. But the fact that we are talking about it raises a question: has Jeffress used the holiday to remind us of the Gospel or himself?

3. This debate over the value of the straight-party vote on election ballots is yet another reminder that, in light of our new Tea Party-era, The Federalist Papers needs to be on the top of your holiday reading list.

Garland Doesn’t Have Gas Anymore

Dallas Morning News’s Katie Fairbanks is reporting that the Garland animal shelter has “quietly dismantled” it infamous gas chamber this week.

Animals will now be euthanized via injection.

Chapter 2: The Mayor Stops For a Snickers Bar or Something

Tom realized, suddenly, that he was hungry. More like starving. His stomach felt showroom-quality, brand new, 100-percent devoid of food. He turned into the first 7-Eleven he saw without even tapping the brakes, without even realizing he was going to do it. Screeching into the parking lot like that was dumb and he knew it. He sat in the car for a full minute, long enough so that anyone interested in who was making such a scene would have gotten bored and went back to their Big Gulps or whatever.

He looked in the rearview mirror and smoothed out his hair; there was some dried blood on the back of his hand. He scratched at it — not his. Tom laughed softly to himself, but not softly enough. His ribs stabbed at him under his jacket. His hand found the grip of the baseball bat reflexively, and tightened around it. GD Schutze. He let go of the bat, and braced himself against the armrest to get out.

Even with his head ducked down as he entered, the clerk recognized him, doing a not-subtle-but-trying double-take. The Mayor didn’t meet his gaze. He walked down the middle aisle and pawed at a few candy bars. He was so hungry, nothing sounded good. And then, there was the clerk, right next to him. Tom noticed just in time — the clerk was about to poke him in the side, the bad side, to get his attention.

“You’re him, right?” Tom did his best to look confused at the question. “Mayor Leppert, yes? You came to our church, remember — before the election? Yes, yes! Mr. Mayor! How are you?”

He knew Carol would hate him for what he was about to do, but right now, he didn’t really care about the election. There was time to glad hand later, to fake interest in this guy’s story.

“Yeah,” he said, not smiling. “It’s me. And you know what? I’ve had a long day. And I’m about to start on a long night. So why don’t you go back to doing your job and I’ll go back to doing mine, which now includes making sure your church gets as many code violations as I think we can get away with without people questioning my relationship with Christ.”

The clerk stared at him. Tom stuffed a dollar in the clerk’s shirt pocket and unwrapped a Snickers.

Leo Berman Does Something That Gives Me Tired Head

OK, I understand the state worrying about how much Health Care Reform will cost. Many feel its unconstitutional, and the state has joined other states in suing based on that. That I get. But then State Rep. Leo Berman up and files this bill that basically makes it a felony if a federal employee in the state of Texas enforces the reforms.

Call me extremely dense – because I know some of you will – but how does it work to make it illegal to do your job?

Dear Andy Siegel:

Everybody voted. It passed. I’ll buy you a 40 of your favorite adult beverage if you will just stop it.

Love,

Me

Things to Do in Dallas This Weekend: Dec. 10-12 (Sports Edition)

It’s finally Friday, FrontBurnervians, which means you’re all so close to the weekend. If you’re still trying to figure out how to spend the next 72 hours, we’ve got your back.

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D Magazine Seeks New Events Editor

Forgive my tardiness in broadcasting this fact to long-suffering FrontBurnervians, but our events editor position at D Magazine has recently reopened.

We’re hoping to find a real detail-oriented team player, a “people person” with a truly unique skill set, someone who knows that at the end of the day you’ve got to think outside the box, and have a true passion for communicating with others through PowerPoint presentations and Excel spreadsheets. If you’re not a proactive self-starter, the kind of strategic thinker who works well under pressure and knows and does what it takes to get the job done, then you need not apply.

Or just read the real ad after the jump.

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The Onion Won’t Let Don Meredith Rest in Peace

Their chart isn’t the tribute that our piece was, but it’s funnier.

Check out Jerry Jones too.

Gilbert Aranza Sucks — And Is Also Awesome

The last time I heard Gilbert Aranza’s name, the DFW Airport board was terminating six of the concessionaire’s leases at the airport because of a dispute over back rent. The imbroglio was headed to court. Sounded like like he was a bad guy. Right?

That’s why I found the below press release a bit funny. Aranza’s Star Concessions was named the concessionaire of the year at the airport (for the fifth time in nine years). The award is based on reports from mystery shoppers who apparently have a finely tuned sense of irony.

DFW AIRPORT NAMES STAR CONCESSIONS FOOD AND BEVERAGE CONCESSIONAIRE OF THE YEAR FOR 5 TH YEAR (Dallas-December 9) DFW International Airport announced today that it named Star Concessions its food and beverage “Concessionaire of the Year,” the result of extensive surveys over the course of the entire year by Evaluation Systems for Personnel, Inc., an independent agency. Star Concessions, a Dallas-based company, won the prestigious award for the fifth time in the nine years DFW Airport has given the award.

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Leading Off (12/10/10)

1. So after a million years, the interchange at U.S. Highway 75 and Parker Road in Plano is finished, and now it has some kind of fancy-schmancy ramp system that one business owner near it predicted would confuse some people: “We have smart drivers and we have morons. I’m sure people will figure it out, but it might take a little while.”

2. Dallas got stimulus money for its Weatherization Assistance Program, but it appears it’s been overpaying for items (at times up to 400%) used in it. In some cases, the city may have paid for work that wasn’t done and materials that were never used.

3. Carter Haber, 12, decided to raise money for Christmas presents for the residents of the Samaritan House in Fort Worth after he heard the shelter had lost its corporate sponsor because of the economy. The heartwarming twist? It was his Bar Mitzvah project.

4. Jerry Jones, in a 60 Minutes interview, said that if George Steinbrenner was alive, he would’ve fired Jones for the Cowboys’ performance. What would be more fearsome than George Steinbrenner? Zombie George Steinbrenner, of course.

5.  Welcome to Friday. If you’re counting the days until Christmas, you’ve got 14 days until the big day, and for you procrastinators, 13 days, 6 hours before you’re wandering the aisles at CVS.

The Mayor’s Broken Ribs: A Short Story

“I’ll tell them I broke them in a cycling accident,” he said, surveying the room, inventorying the damage. His ribs hurt. GD, they hurt. He had broken two, no — ah, em-effer! — three ribs. The safe was open — okay, Tom, think about that later — and the coffee table was broken from where Jim had “fallen,” haha, through it. And that was about it. Nothing he couldn’t contain. Well, except the safe, and no, no, he could not think about that now.

Tom leaned against the edge of his desk, its top now a modernist sculpture (title card: “Post-Fight,” paper, wood, coffee — $2,000), and called Chris, his chief of staff. He picked up on the third ring.

“Well, it finally happened. I know. I know, godda — okay, okay. Sorry. No, I don’t know. I’m fine. More or less. Can you call the Morning News? Yeah, Rudy — if you can. I think cycling. I don’t think anyone would believe anything else. Maybe basketball, but I’d need witnesses. No, really. Chris. Chris! I’m fine. I’ll see you the morning.”

Tom winced as he reached under his desk. As he felt for the bat, he looked at the now-broken table. Schutze had sprung up like a GD cat after the Mayor threw him onto the oak table and bounced out of the office. Tom had to assume he was near a computer right now. With the papers from the safe. He shuddered and pulled his pin-striped jacket tighter around him, as if an imaginary northeaster had just blown through.

This would all be over in two days. If he could make it that long. He shoved the remnants of the coffee table into his coat closet and swept the top of his desk into the trash. He looked around one last time. “Good enough,” he thought, as he poured two fingers of Jack into his coffee, and tucked the baseball bat under his coat. Two more days.

Canadian Critic Thinks You Should Be Watching Police Women of Dallas

As you may or may not remember, we’ve spoken of this Police Women of Dallas show before.  It’s on TLC. It features women who are officers of the law in Dallas.

Have you been watching it? Well, in Canada, one TV critic recommends the show to his fellow Canucks after one hellaciously long lede that I only half understand. But it has the word cojones in it, and I think it was even used properly, so there’s that.

But at any rate, he says he loves the show, and gives much love to one Officer Person, and marvels that with a last name like that, there was no choice but to become an officer of the law (”If you insist on going about with a name like that, you take refuge in employment with the police. It’s as plain as a poke in your eye.”).

But law, this review gave me hurty head.