I, Zac Crain, Would Like to Be an Honorary Texas Ranger As Well, Thank You

Do you not think I deserve such an honor? Perhaps you did not see the weblog post I wrote JUST YESTERDAY about the Texas Rangers, or at least Mr. Chuck Norris’ entry into same. Did you not see this? I will link to it again. So click when see the word “link.” Not there. Here: link. Also, you may have noticed that, during the 2010 Major League Baseball playoffs and World Series, I wrote several weblog posts about the Texas Rangers. Yes, I realize I was, in those instances, talking about different Texas Rangers, but those Texas Rangers are — are they not? — named after, and in honor of, the original Texas Rangers, so, really, as you can you see, any mention of any Texas Rangers is, in fact, a mention of all Texas Rangers. I hope you follow that logic, because it is unassailable or, as I prefer to refer to it, bulletproof.

Anyway. I would very much like to be named an honorary Texas Ranger. Or a real one, if you think that would better suit someone of my bearing, training, and intellect. I’ll need a real Texas Rangers cowboy hat, also. I wear a size MANLY.

Leading Off (12/3/10)

1. Dear Merritt Patterson: Great work on ferreting out the criminal record of that guy found videotaping kids in University Park. Too bad the Dallas Morning News let you do all the heavy lifting.

2. I think that we can all agree that this is Chuck Norris’ hair, but only because he bought it with his own money, yes?

3. A Cedar Hill man’s phone shattered while he was talking on it, cutting up his ear. This leads to this question: People still use their phones for talking?

4. The Rangers made a second trip to Arkansas to visit Cliff Lee. I know that all I really want for Christmas is a Merry Cliffmas. And if he needs a special Arkansas friend here and he finds Jerry Jones too annoying, I am available, and I make a mean buffalo chicken dip.

5. Friday is here. And while we aren’t going to enjoy another four day weekend, it should shape up to be a pretty good one, as far as weekends go.

Re: Hot Ticket: Coppell v. Trinity

For those who weren’t able to get tickets to the big game, KXTA (Channel 21) will broadcast the Class 5A Division 1 final live on Friday night. Apparently, they’re able to do so because the tickets sold out more than 48 hours in advance.

(And FYI, Glenn, I know we’re in the midst of producing our biggest issue ever of D CEO, but I’ve got some tailgating to do tomorrow afternoon.)

Jump for the release from XTA21:

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Pick a Replacement for “Metroplex”

Commenter Daniel had a good point in this post:

Chuck Norris and His Brother are About to Be Real Texas Rangers

Or at least real honorary Texas Rangers. Maybe you already heard this? Anyway. A few things:

• I originally read the lede to this story as: “In a perfect world, this afternoon’s ceremony would include Chuck Norris delivering a signature roundhouse kick to Texas Gov. Rick Perry.” I have to say, I wouldn’t mind a little more New York Post in my Dallas Morning News.
• Why now? No one knows. NO ONE. I hope this doesn’t foreshadow a revival of the Walker, Texas Ranger series. Unless Perry joins the cast as Walker’s taciturn, wise-cracking partner, Harrison “Haircut” Merriweather. Like a Southern Jerry Orbach. Catchphrase? Obviously, “Adios, mofo.” EDGY.
• I found this sentence odd: “As the official Sony Pictures website describes the show: ‘Walker’s independent crime-solving methods have their roots in the rugged traditions of the Old West.’”
• Also weird: The next sentence/paragraph is, “Not to mention the star’s background as a karate champion.” It’s like they just printed Jeffrey Weiss’ notebook, Hunter S. Thompson-style.
• I would be slightly more interested in this if Perry’s intro was simply him reading a list of “Chuck Norris Facts,” until the gag became tiresome, and then he kept going, and going, until it sort of got funny again, but this time in an uncomfortable way, and then THAT became unfunny, but Perry kept reading facts, one after another, not even really pausing, as Norris lost his forced smile, and then became tangibly angry, and Perry kept reading and reading, until people started to get worried about him, and then, just as his senior staff were about to push “send” on a phone call to get someone to quietly escort him from the stage, Perry abruptly stopped, stared down Norris, and delivered a perfect, almost beautiful in its symmetry, roundhouse kick directly to Norris’ bearded jaw, jumped into an old Camaro (with T-tops), and peeled out, away from the ceremony, away from Texas, and into his new life as a professional rodeo clown working the Southwest circuit, under the name of Hightop Pete, which, if anyone ever asks where he came up with that, he’d get a faraway look in his eye, take a long pull of his Marlboro Light, smile to himself, and then walk away. That would be kind of okay, I guess.