Five Point Plan to Fix the Dallas Cowboys

1. Hire Michael Irvin as player-coach. He’ll bring that stab-a-backup-lineman-with-scissors-over-a-petty-disagreement-over-haircuts-during-training-camp intensity that the Cowboys have been missing. Also, he really won’t have to play much, except when they need him to catch a pass on an elaborate game-winning trick play that never actually works outside of movies, but will here, and will, sadly, result in a massive knee/sternum injury that is totally worth it because WINNERS LEAVE IT ALL ON THE FIELD.

2. Hire Michael Irvin’s cousin to plant about six keys of coke in all of Jerry Jones’ cars, boats, planes, homes, apartments, motorcycles, and so on. Hire Irvin’s other cousin to drop dime on JJ until the cops finally arrest him and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell forces Jones to sell the team.

3. Put a no-hats-that-make-you-look-like-a-shiny-shirt-jackass clause in Tony Romo’s contract, or just a “no hats” clause.

4. Go have a nice, tall glass of bourbon — and make it the good stuff, treat yourself! — because you basically just fixed most of the problems surrounding the team. And also because WINNERS LEAVE IT ALL ON THE FIELD AND ALSO LIKE TO DRINK BROWN LIQUOR ON OCCASION, EVEN DURING WORK HOURS, SOMETIMES, NOT TOO OFTEN — IT’S COOL, SERIOUSLY, GET OFF MY BACK.

5. Select nothing but linemen, offense and defense, in the early rounds of the next three or four drafts. (Sports point!) Make sure none of them have barbed wire tattoos around their biceps. Those guys are all show, no go.