1. Hire Michael Irvin as player-coach. He’ll bring that stab-a-backup-lineman-with-scissors-over-a-petty-disagreement-over-haircuts-during-training-camp intensity that the Cowboys have been missing. Also, he really won’t have to play much, except when they need him to catch a pass on an elaborate game-winning trick play that never actually works outside of movies, but will here, and will, sadly, result in a massive knee/sternum injury that is totally worth it because WINNERS LEAVE IT ALL ON THE FIELD.
2. Hire Michael Irvin’s cousin to plant about six keys of coke in all of Jerry Jones’ cars, boats, planes, homes, apartments, motorcycles, and so on. Hire Irvin’s other cousin to drop dime on JJ until the cops finally arrest him and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell forces Jones to sell the team.
3. Put a no-hats-that-make-you-look-like-a-shiny-shirt-jackass clause in Tony Romo’s contract, or just a “no hats” clause.
4. Go have a nice, tall glass of bourbon — and make it the good stuff, treat yourself! — because you basically just fixed most of the problems surrounding the team. And also because WINNERS LEAVE IT ALL ON THE FIELD AND ALSO LIKE TO DRINK BROWN LIQUOR ON OCCASION, EVEN DURING WORK HOURS, SOMETIMES, NOT TOO OFTEN — IT’S COOL, SERIOUSLY, GET OFF MY BACK.
5. Select nothing but linemen, offense and defense, in the early rounds of the next three or four drafts. (Sports point!) Make sure none of them have barbed wire tattoos around their biceps. Those guys are all show, no go.
8 comments
Excellent start, but this needs more sex toys, mink coats and Alfredo Roberts.
@Steve: Why do you think hiring Michael Irvin was No. 1 on the list?
Zac, you know you can’t use the word “jackass” on FrontBurner.
“The Play Maker” will definitely be the best-dressed coach in the history of forever.
Maybe Jerry Jones can put together an Arena Football league team to play in the new stadium.
He might also consider selling top-of-the line color coordinated paper sacks for the fans to wear until the fans are not ashamed to be seen at a Cowboys game.
(Sub-point 2.1) Don’t forget to reopen ‘The White House’. It may keep them from hanging out in Cabo with B-list celebrities during downtime.
(Sub-point 3.1) All Cowboys will need to sign the ‘no trucker hats or shiny shirts’ addendum to their contracts.
zac, i couldn’t agree with you more…
especially #2 and #5.
and #3.
and definitely #4! hell yeah !!!
Zac Crain is an evil evil man who should be educated in proper Dallas media PC. Zac Crain is the type of evil man who, had he been at Jerry’s God-Fires-Wimp-Coach news conference, would have probably asked evil questions such as:
1. Jerry, define “culture”?
2. Jerry, how long do you think it takes for a societal culture to grow into maturity?
3. Jerry, when you announced that you were going to be a “jocks and socks” owner/manager/wannabecoach more than 20 years ago, do you not think you were creating a new culture for the Cowboys?
4. Jerry, why name a nice young man as the Boys’ new Interim-Head-Coach-With-Nowhere-To-Go to change a 20-year-old culture? Man up, Jerry! Put those headphones on your own head and stand on the sidelines where you will have no one to fire but yourself.
5. And when the firing time comes, do it!
See? Aren’t you glad an evil guy, like Zac Crain, was not at the news conference. think of all the expensive video out-takes the teevee guys would have had to throw in the trash.